The Journal
by DreamingLillies
Summary: Sequel now up! "Since you are a journal and therefor can't judge me..." *"I’ll never break your heart.” “You cant promise that.”* "Maybe you're confusing your pride with denial. Stubbornness with fear. And even possibly your hatred with your love"
1. New! Entry 1

My brain is going to explode. Literally, I think that it is to spout brains everywhere. I'm pretty positive. I have entirely too much shit in it. For example, if I were to just free write every single thought I was having it would go on something like this: why the hell does Nina have to be all over Potter like that? Why do I care? I cant wait for Melanie's sleep over tomorrow. Oh my freaking ass god O.W.L.'s are this year! Are Ella and Sirius are going out? Poor Charlotte.

AND WHY IN THE HOLY WORLD ABOVE DID I ALMOST—accidentally of course—SAY YES TO POTTER TODAY?

I'm loosing my marbles.

My tool short is one short.

I'm one card short of a deck.

I'm one acorn of joining a pack of squirrels.

And I'm pathetic because I can't even find the courage in me to sneak down to the kitchen's and eat something. And Im in GRYFFINDOR! Where, supposedly, the brave dwell.

I wish school would just be over and then I check my O.W.L.'s off of my increasing long list of 'To Do.'s. I want to turn that list into a 'to done' list. I heard someone say that a long time ago and thought it was the coolest thing ever.

Not really. But it was cool.

So, the problem with living in Hogwarts is that late at night, there are no snacks to be eaten. No tv to distract you. Not even a damn radio. I mean it makes sense, the magic would seriously screw with technology. But this time allows me to think. And thinking is not safe when its concern with me. Because if its not academic, I'm thinking: What the fuck is the matter with me?

Is there something wrong with me?

Why wont Amos ask me out already?

There must be something wrong with me. There is no other explanation.

I really wish the "All shook up" would stop playing in my head. Elvis is hot and everything but I can only get shook up so many times, know what I mean?

So, today this guy Donne Franks from Slytherin and Jacob Jeffereson from had a fight about me in the great hall. I thought it was so great, Charlotte came up to me and was all 'two guys are fighting over you!"

So of course, I get up and run over there to spy and hear what they say. Turns out they were exactly fighting over me. They were fighting over who had the highest grade average for the fifth years.

Isn't that just fucking great.

What a let down. I mean its not like they're extremely hot or anything. But still.

Disappointment.

Fuck Potter. Such an ass hole. Makes me count down the days till I don't have see him.

Him and his fucking gorgeous hair. And body. And hands. And eyes.

Ass hole.

God his lips look soft.

Fuck this.

I really swear a lot when I write in here.

What would my mother think?

I really need to write her one of these days…

No, but seriously, I don't understand why I almost said yes to potter today. It was so dumb. He came up to me and said all this stuff about how he thought I looked beautiful today (which he basically says to me everyday, or 'hot' or 'smoking' or pretty' or some other variation). But today he said I looked beautiful and asked if he could walk me to breakfast (again same deal every day) I responded with my usual 'whatever' and he was SILENT. He didn't say one word the whole way down to breakfast, which is completely NOT NATURAL, at all. Then right before we walked into the great hall, he touched my arm to pull me back and I was about to yell at him, but he just looked at me so sadly. And all he said was please.

Those huge hazel eyes were staring down at me, and he just says 'please.'

"Please what?" I asked, in a whisper. Why were we whispering? I don't know.

Love how I answered myself there.

Anyway, he says 'say yes'.

And I was one letter short of a yes when my brain kicked in and said 'ye-no.' Very articulate. Then I scurried away, blushing like an idiot.

How much do I suck?

My hand hurts.

Stupid pen.

It sucks more than my life.

Which is, apparently, saying something.

Merlin, Im really hungry.

See, look how much I suck.

If Potter were here he'd make some sexual remark.

Ass hole.

Whatever. He'll be back to his normal annoying, prev self tomorrow.

I hope.

I feel better now. Maybe I'll start writing more in this.

Hopefully next time with a better pen.

He's such an ass hole!

-Lily


	2. New! Entry 2

The Journal—2

Last night really helped. It was quite beneficial. I'm using that word a lot lately. Like earlier today I walked up to Potter and I said "you look quite stupid" and really what I was thinking was "you look quite sexy" of course I don't say such things. I write them in this _quite_ ugly journal.

It really is hideous.

Wow, look at that, a whole paragraph without an 'f' bomb! See I told you it helped!

Who am I talking to?

A book. How fucking pathetic.

Oops there goes my good speech. But you know, who freakin cares? Its not like anyone's reading this…

They better not be. I should put a spell on it or something. Anyone who reads this will magically have black cats peeing on everything they own!

Too bad there's no such spell….

I really need to stop that whole evilly laughing in my head thing.

Its even creeping me out.

Now, that's pathetic.

I feel like Im just having a long conversation in my head.

At least its not vocal.

I better Potter talks to himself.

Oh who am I kidding? (again who am I talking to?) I talk to myself all the time.

Maybe I'm talking to myself and not the book then?

I cant decide if that's better or worse…

I'm such a procrastinator. I'm not doing my project. That's due tomorrow. That I haven't started. Yeah, doesn't that make you jealous?

That was obliviously not directed to me, so then to the book? So now Im not only implying that books can reply to my rambling but also have emotions such as Jealously?

I say 'such as' a lot too.

I sound like an old lady.

Like today I answer Mr. Slughorn and I said 'such as meat from a donkey and a tongue from a lizard." Potter laughed.

Ass hole.

He was probably just wondering if a lizard would even consider having oral with him.

I bet if a lizard could talk she'd say no.

Great now lizards _and_ books can talk…

I bet that lizard would be insulted that he even asked her to.

But I mean where else would he get some?

Hmmmm let me think…ANY girl.

Besides me.

Of course.

Ass hole.

Why do I keep thinking about him? And writing about him?

Its not as if he's that good looking.

Haha, funny Lily.

So considering you're a book I can write this down without embarrassment and without puking up my yummy dinner…

I stared at Potters ass today.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

It was just soooooo squeezable! And round but not bubble butt looking and just. Merlin.

I need help. Like serious professional help. Couch included with a shrink with exceptional head nodding abilities.

Today Potters all cute and he's all "Lilly, you look beautiful today. I'm going to miss you." I roll my eyes of course, then

CRAP I need to pack. Shit fuck.

Why did she give us a freaking project two weeks before school's out?

Stupid teachers.

Did I just deliberately switch subjects?

I apologize from that digression.

I'm apologizing to a book.

ANYWAYS, I rolled my eyes and he said "you know you will" I shook my head no then tried to walk away and he pulls me up against him (the nerve of him!) and whispers in my ear "One day, Lily, one day you will want me." Then just walks away.

Ass hole.

Sev wants me to owl him this summer.

As if.

Now _there's_ an ass hole!

I seem to be finding a lot of them lately.

I have this really annoying little bit of red nail polish on my right thumb and it WONT come off and its driving me _quite_ insane.

As if I needed that.

Well I should go do my project.

Or I could just stay here and write in here….

But I shouldn't.

-Lily


	3. New! Entry 3

What the fuck. What the fuck is his problem? Its not like he should be _embarrassed_or anything! I mean I think I am attractive! I think I am a good looking, hell I think I'm HOT. I'm a feisty smart redhead damnit! Those are hard to come by! Any guy should be lucky to have me.

THEN THE WHY THE HELL IS HE ACTING LIKE THIS?

Why doesn't he act like he wants me? He is so fucking hot and cold.

One minute he's kissing me in front of all his friends.

The next day I go to say goodnight to him and HE WONT EVEN LOOK AT ME!

Im talking about Amos of course.

You see I thought he was a great guy.

He's good looking, he's pretty smart, he's _extremely_ masculine.

That totally sounds like my type doesn't it?

He has this short blonde hair, that looks so great next to my red flowing hair, he has light brown eyes that make my green eyes stand out even more…he's prefect for me.

Too bad I want to strangle him.

I want to strangle him very much.

But maybe rape his body before I strangle him.

What? He has a _really_ good body…

I wouldn't actually do any of this. Of course.

I'm not a crazy. I'm not a Potter.

I meant I'm not Potter.

Like I would ever be _A_ Potter.

Ha. As if. Like never. Ever.

Ever.

ANYWAYS, Amos is now an Ass hole.

There are too many of them out there.

I finally wrote my mom.

Do you know what she told me?

We're apparently moving.

I don't even know where. Here's her exact letter:

_Lily,_

_Im glad to hear from you. Dad and I have been missing you._

_We're moving. Everything will be packed before you get back._

_We'll pick you up and then you can see our new house. It's really nice._

_See you in two weeks._

_-Mom_

It's _nice. _What is that supposed to mean?

It's nice.

Where is it? In France? In Russia? Somewhere where it would require me to learn another language?

God forbid its in America…I don't think mum hates me enough to subject me to American fast food…there goes my figure…

Jeeze mum thanks for all the details.

So I've decided to hell with it all.

Ok not really. I'm just being a drama queen again.

Because I can't be saying 'to hell with it all" when im only 15. That's not healthy.

I have prospects you know?

But right now I should just focus on studying.

Ugh, studying.

I don't want to study.

And packing.

Ugh, I don't want to pack.

I don't want to leave.

Actually I do want to leave.

But not to America.

Or Russia.

Or France.

Not that there's anything wrong with those Countries, but I'm quite fond of England.

There goes to QUITES again.

I really should just stop writing in this. If any one ever read it, not only would they be subjected to having black cats pee on everything, I would be carried away by men in white coats to an insane asylum.

See? I still have those prospects in my future.

Great.

And no matter how much I love Charlotte, who by some cosmic joke is Potters twin, I just hope I am far, far, far, far, FAR away from Potter.

-Lily


	4. New! Entry 4

The Journal

Entry 4

FUCK.

FUCK.

FUCK.

I failed my FUCKING transfiguration O.W.L.'s

FUCK.

I got a fucking P

A FUCKING P!

WHAT THE FUCK? HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN?

You see I had been neglecting this FUCKING UGLY journal to study for my FUCKING O.W.L's but APPARENTLY I didn't study ENOUGH!

I study for a good day, straight. Like, seriously, no joke. All. Fucking. Day.

Oh did I tell you the absolute great part about all of this?

Potter got a fucking O.

A fucking O.

Congratu-FUCKING-lations

He's all, "Evans. What did u get?"

I pretend I didn't hear him.

Potter, of course, yelled louder.

"EVANS!"

ok not that loud.

But still, _loud_.

"What?" I yell back.

"How'd you do?"

"Why the hell do you care?"

"I was just wondering."

"Well don't"

Don't you just love my fabulous come backs?

How do I just keep them coming?

I really suck.

And now every time I say that I hear Potter in the back of my head going 'you do huh? Well, I'm free right about now if you want to suck some more…' And I can see him wiggling his eye brows or winking at me or something.

I wish I could wiggle my eye brows like that. It's a skill.

A crude, stupid thing to do. But wiggling your eyes brows is still a skill. Its like rolling your tongue.

Oh dear, I just heard potter in the back of my mind going 'really? I have a better place for you to roll that tongue Lily Flower…" Then he would show off his wiggly eye brows again. Pig.

ANYWAY, Jack Davis asked me if I wanted to 'study' with him.

Translation: "Hey Lilly, do you want to go to the library with me and have me put my hand on your knee then rape your mouth with my tongue as you gag because I'm fucking disgusting?"

Yeah, I guess he just forgot to mention that.

I blame him for my fucking P!

Even if we were studying potions…

It doesn't matter; it was still all his fault.

I'm going to cry.

Again.

No one better see this.

I should have gone inside. Less people. Everyone is just walking around, with big smiles on their faces.

They didn't a P.

Oh my Merlin, I'll never be able to get a job with a P.

I guess there's nothing I can do about it now.

Great, now I'm crying. More like quieting sobbing.

Shit, fuck. Potter is walking over.

I'll be right back.

Well that was weird.

He comes up to me and says, "What's wrong Evans?"

"Nothing."

"Those tears don't look like nothing."

"Well, they're nothing."

"No they're not"

This goes on till I give in and say 'yes something is wrong!"

"What happened? Did someone hurt you? If sniv-"

"No, he didn't do anything, chill."

Potter sat down next to me, look how much my day sucks.

At least he smelled good.

Ahh, the small things in life.

AH! Where did that come from?

Ahem, anyways, so then I told him.

I don't know why I told him, but I did.

He said it would be fine, everyone messes up every once and while and that it will all be ok. That anyone who knew me would know I wasn't stupid and I everyone would be begging for someone like me to work for them.

I have to hand it to the boy. He knows how to make you feel better.

I thanked him, I know right I saw Satan icing skating earlier.

I'm referring to the fact that I have never thanked him before.

Except my first night here I think I said thanks for passing the peas or something.

Did you know that peas have the same happy chemical in them as chocolate? Many I should eat some chocolate covered peas. That's how much cheering up I need.

OH MY MERLIN!

What is my mother going to think?

-Lily

**Look, im going to be the gross guy at a bar that goes **

**You, the review button, click, now.**

**Hehe, sorry im so weird…**

**Thanks for the reviews =)**

**-Jenna**

_(Haha, I kept that because it makes me happy. I forgot how strange I was in '09)_


	5. New! Entry 5

The Journal

Entry—5

So I've gotten over the tragedy of getting a P.

So what? It's just a grade, right?

Ha. Ha. Ha.

See look, I'm already laughing.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

I just can't help myself bursting into fits of giggles.

I have an extremely large grumpy face on right now.

No, seriously, its like I just ate an entire bucket of lemons.

Not one lemon. A full bucket.

ANYWAYS, so tomorrow I'm having my last O.W.L, it will be Charms and I will totally ace it.

I know its really a terrible thing to think but I kinda hope Potter gets a P and then I can go "Hey Potter whatcha get?" and he'll ignore me and I'll go "POTTER!" just not that loud, but still, loud. and he'll turn around and go "what!" and I'll say…

Well, you got the point.

So I'm actually really looking forward to seeing my new house. I wonder where it will be. I hope that there will be a pool around. That would just be so great. All I would need to do is sit by the pool, completely relax, slow down, take a chill pill, listen to some music, and get a tan…

Ahhh. I can't wait.

I need to pack tomorrow because we're leaving on Friday. Im so excited to that Melanie is going to come to my house for a month this summer. I just wish Charlotte would be there. Her parents really miss her though and they said it would be absolutely fine if I went to her house. But of course that would be impossible. Considering she's James's twin. At least she gives him a lot of shit about it. For example, "My best friend wont even come visit me because you suck so badly, you oaf"

It's great.

I'm really a bitch aren't I?

But he's really an oaf isn't he?

Haha I crack myself up.

So was walking to my Ancient Runes O.W.L. and Diggory came over to me.

Gosh, I haven't even told you what happened, so let me back track.

*flashblack*

After I was sitting with Potter and he left, Diggory came over and said "Was he bothering you?" He was acting all mad.

I said no but then he got all pissed and was like "You were crying!"

"Yeah, and he made me feel better"

He started to shift uncomfortably; I asked if something was wrong.

"No…" Then he leaned down and kissed me. And don't get my wrong, we've kissed before. But just like a peck on the lips. However, this kiss was not a peck on the lips. It was a full on 'I want to smother you, but I don't have a pillow, oh I know I'll use my lips!' kind of a kiss. He is a terrible kisser. His breathe smelled and to get my lips open he chomped down on my unsuspecting bottom lip. I distinctly remember thinking 'what is that? Is that his tongue?'

He was worse than Davis.

And _that _is saying something.

So I jumped and screamed "What was that?"

And he said that I just looked so kissable.

"_KISSABLE_?" I yelled, "A LOT OF PEOLPLE LOOK KISSABLE BUT YOU STILL DON'T PHYSICALLY _KISS_ THEM!"

All of the sudden Potter's face floated in my head, I don't know why.

Ok, I know exactly why.

He's kissable.

Damn it.

Ass hole.

ANYWAYS, then he stood up, next to me, he's awful breath on my face, and yelled "I'LL _KISS_ YOU WHEN I WANT TO!" then grabbed me, I swear how did I ever like this guy, and tried to kiss me again, and all the sudden—

**BAM!**

Not like BAM! In a kitchen, but like BAM! In a comic book when a superhero paunches the lights out of the bad guy.

Not that James is my super hero or anything.

James was on top of him, rolling around; he was slamming his fist into Diggory's head—

Oh my Merlin.

I called him James.

Ugh, what the fuck.

Finals are fucking with my head.

Lets start that other.

POTTER was on top of him rolling around, he was slamming his fist into Diggory head and yelled "What the fuck is your problem, she doesn't want you!"

How does he understand that when it comes to Diggory and not him?

Weird kid.

I have to admit though, as much as I protested it, and yelled for them to stop, it was kinda hot.

Not Potter doing it, but someone defending me. Defending my honor.

Ok, _way_ hot.

Finally Slughorn comes out and tries to calm Potter but it doesn't work, so I got an idea to try to calm him. I went over and put my hand on his and simply said 'stop.'

He stopped and looked at me, breathing hard, blood on his knuckles, straddling Diggory's broken body.

I swear all of the girls in the crowd surrounding us, swooned.

He got off and looked Slughorn straight in the face, like a man.

Ok, _way_, _way_, hot.

"Potter, what do you think you were doing?" Slughorn said in a high pitched shocked voice.

"Kicking his ass." Sirius shouted somewhere in the crowd, there was a round of laughter.

"I was defending Lily, sir."

Ok, so this was past hot. It was smoldering. It burned.

Oh merlin, that sounded like it was in one of my moms romance books that I DEFINITELY never read.

"Is this true?"

I looked at Potter, and said yes.

"Erm well then….ok?"

"Hey, I think he needs to go to the hospital wing…" someone yelled.

"Right, yes. Lupin. Take the man to the hospital wing."

"Yes, professor."

Lupin cast a spell to levitate him to the informatory.

Slughorn walked away.

I guess being one of his favorites sometimes does come in handy.

*end flash back*

Now, tell me that was not intense.

I haven't talked to Potter since then.

It's too awkward.

Next year will probably be worse.

I can't decide if that's a good or bad thing…

So back to the original story, Diggory comes walking by and grimaces, I suppose remembering his broken nose and utterly fucked up face. He comes up to me and says "Sorry." Not even says, he muttered. Or mumbled. Or grunted. But he did not actually _say _the word. He looked above my head.

I turned and saw Potter behind me with all of his crew, glaring at him. Diggory looked pissed and scared and then Potter nodded at him and Diggory basically ran away.

I just turned back to Potter and his friends and grinned.

I had to admit, it was pretty damn funny.

-Lily


	6. New! Entry 6

Entry—6

UGH. When I actually need my journal to freaking write about my fucking life do you know what happens? HOGWARTS LOOSES MY LUGAGE!

You see normally Hogwarts students have their trunks with them but since Im a prefect I have to switch train corridors and patrol sometimes so they tell us to bring muggle clothes in a little bag with us to carry around so none one jacks our stuff.

BUT THEN THEY LOOSE IT!

It's like they're freaking southwest airlines or some shit. I mean really. It's a train. Where the fuck would it go?

I mean I know they sent it to my old house then the new people living there—Muggles mind you—saw all my magically talking pens and spell books and there was big deal with fixing their memory and all but they could have gotten it here faster. I swear if I hadn't been so paranoid with someone going through my purse on the train and finding this damn thing none of this would have happened.

I have a lot to catch you all up on.

I don't know who I'm talking to.

All well.

I've decided that god hates me and wants me to commit suicide.

Here's a flashback.

*past*

I get off the train and start hugging Melanie goodbye. It's not that sappy because I know I'll see here in a month. Then I hug Charlotte and cry a little then see my mum and my dad and my mum is crying. Of course. Then we try going to the side of the train to get my trunk and they tell us it will be sent to our house.

Ha. Yeah. 2 WEEKS LATER!

Ahem, anyways, then we go to our car and I'm babbling on about my year and all the things that happened. I ask them about the house and they say it's just outside of London and I'll love it. Then I look out the windshield and notice a very expensive car in front of us. I don't really notice it. After about 20minutes of driving I notice that same low black expensive car is still in front of us. I find that odd but Elvis is on the radio so I don't really care.

Then we turn, still behind the car, into a neighborhood. It reads Kishire. That rang a bell. The houses are freaking huge. I know that there's no way in hell we could afford them so I guess that we're either renting it or we have the small house in the neighbor hood. "This is our street honey. We live at that house." The black car turned too but I was too busy checking out the new house. She pointed to a rather large house with a 'sold' sign stuck in bright green grass in the front yard. It's a two story green house with white wood and lots of windows. We pulled into the drive way. I got out the car and stretch my legs, and put my arms over my head. I looked around. There's a pretty hand built wood fence around the yard. I start to walk to the door but then I hear a loud and shocked shriek of "LILY!"

I whip my head around and see Charlotte running towards me, her trunk lying on the ground on its side from her dropping it in shock. Her cat is still in her arms as she runs to me.

I heard a bird cage drop.

Potter.

Potter was standing outside of the little black expensive car.

Potter was standing next to a disgruntled owl in a crooked cage.

"MUM!"

"What is it?" She said getting my owl out of the car.

"What is the address of this house?"

"Oh it's 4424 Joy Lane"

Charlotte's address was 4425 Joy Lane.

Fuck my life.

Just then Charlotte's arms attacked me and she yelled "YOU LIVE HERE? Oh my god Lily it's going to be the best summer ever!"

Potter walked up with a face of disbelief. Then he smirked.

"Yes Lily Flower, the best summer ever."

*end flashback*

For the first two days I refused to leave the house. I watched the telly and ate and slept. Finally Charlotte came over and went like ape shit on me.

*flashback*

"Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to convince my brother that you're not dead! You haven't gone outside once Lily! I should know! He never leaves his damn window now! I know you hate him and everything but really you need to pull yourself together! Don't let my brother control you're summer just because he'll be in it more than you hoped. Get off that couch you fat ass and let's go to my pool!" She grabbed my hand and pulled me up. Dragged me upstairs to find my room all in boxes. Unpacking or just packing in general is a bitch. I had been refusing to do it. Ha. Its summer. I do what I please. Puney wasn't happy. "Stop being a slob. No wonder you're single." Blah blah blah.

Like her ugly fat boyfriend is something to brag about.

Back to the present…in my flashback….confusing…

Anyways, so Charlotte started going through my boxes (they were open, I needed to find my few essentials) and she found my bikini.

Oh god.

A bikini. In front of Potter.

In his back yard?

I think not.

I don't really feel like getting raped today….

So I started to slowly back out of the door when Charlotte corners me.

"James is gone for the day; he went to London with Sirius. Chill." So I grabbed my bikini and went to the bathroom to change.

We walked across the street to her house.

Wait wrong word.

Manor is more appropriate. Yeah this neighborhood was filled with big houses but this one looked like its dad to all of them. And I couldn't even see how deep it was because it was surrounded with trees. It was pretty beige with a copper roof. A black iron fence with ivory growing around it could be made out, along with a 5 car garage.

And they weren't even Muggles!

So we got up to the door. They were on a little hill; it was a quad workout just to get there. Two days of not moving really caught up with me.

We went into the house and I had never felt poor or anything of the sort.

Until I walked into that house.

Marble floors, golden clocks, high ceilings with angles on the top. The works.

It made me feel intimidated. And that was saying something

So we walked through the living room (with a colossal looking fireplace and five soft and comfy arm chairs.) We went out the doors and I would have sworn that I had stepped into a tropical island. There were palm trees! Who the hell has palm trees in England?

The Potters obliviously.

I mean I always knew they were loaded but enough to import freakin palm trees?

Anyways the pool was large in a lagoon kind of shape. Waterfall and a slide on opposite ends. There were chairs to lie out on and sun bathe. A tiki looking bar with two drinks already made for us. It must have been enchanted.

Charlotte laughed at me, apparently I was gawking. Then she laughed her famous loud giggle that made the guys at school swoon, and jumped into the pool. I hadn't noticed her taking off her dress but it lay next to me on the ground. Her baby blue bikini looked amazing against her tan skin and black long hair. She had her twins' eyes and the blue made the brown more predominate in her hazel eyes. Her head came up from out of the water, her hair now sleek and her eyes closed.

She looked like she belonged in playboy magazine.

How depressing.

So I stripped and just my green bikini showed now and jumped in with her.

She couldn't get all the fun. I could look pretty damn good too.

So we swam around for a good hour, laughing and joking.

And Charlotte telling me how Potter wouldn't stop talking about me and fate.

Ha. As if.

Fate can't hate me that much right?

After about an hour though we got out and lay out. The sun felt so good on my back. We just laid there and didn't think. Its was nice.

Just then I realized that I didn't have any sun screen on, and that I'm ivory skin toned.

"Hey would you put some sun screen on my back?"

"Sure thing Evans"

Potter. Of course.

Oh god. Here I am laying in his back yard practically in my bra and underwear.

That's just fucking fantastic.

"Oh, um I didn't think you two would be back so soon…." Charlotte said.

"Change of plans. Padfoot got bored."

"How do you get bored in _London_?" I asked.

"Well Evans, seeing as the sun is still up, I got bored. What's London without night clubs?"

"That's right, now that we're all finally 16 we can actually get into them."

"Talk for yourself, Evans, we've been going since last summer." Potter winked at me.

Ugh.

I rolled my eyes and turned around again. Trying not to think.

And what kind of back up was Charlotte? None. I hear her with her perfectly loud giggle over by the tiki bar with Sirius. Hopefully he wouldn't slip something in her drink.

Like he'd need to.

I'll admit, if Sirius was just Sirius and I didn't know him at all, I just saw his body…

I'd fuck him too.

Potter isn't bad either. Very toned, tan, tall, handsome….

It's just those pesky little personalities that just stand in the way.

What a shame.

Anyway, im just laying there when I feel something cold touch my neck. "Here." It was Potters voice. He was handing me sun screen. "You're going to burn if you don't."

I looked up and he was just standing there, looking at me. It was kind of sweet.

"I can't have you burned, I want to see you like this everyday."

There's the Potter I know.

"Charlotte! Stop trying to seduce Sirius and help your friend put on sun screen!" James yelled. He was clearly not pleased about Sirius and Charlotte being together half dressed.

"What, afraid she'll run off screaming in the other direction if you touch her?"

"Naw, I'm afraid she'll melt under my touch."

*end of flashback*

So that's basically what I've been doing for the past week. I'll go over there in the day, swim, drink delicious tropical fruit dinks, and watch as Potter and Black walk around topless thinking they're the shit.

And they are, but we don't tell them that.

Then at night Charlotte comes over here and spends the night. It's nice actually. But now Charlotte wants me to spend the night at her house.

And I am.

Tonight.

God help me.

**Soooooo sorry. That took forever. Im moving too and its not been easy. But I promise to be posting everyday from now on! So expect one tomorrow =)**

**Please review!**

**-Jenna**


	7. New! Entry 7

So I have been neglecting you and this time I have no excuse. I have a reason. But no excuse.

What's my reason, you're probably asking yourself. You are probably going ok Lily just tell me.

Again, I don't know who I'm talking to.

I have a good reason though I swear.

I don't want this to be a Potter book.

And I think you know which Potter I'm talking about.

Because for the last oooh 5 days I can't stop thinking about Potter.

James fucking Potter.

It's just that….that sleep over.

Just…

Oh. My. God.

This sucks.

This is not supposed to be happening.

Maybe if I right it down it will be better….

Here goes nothing.

You're a book you can not judge me.

You can _not_ judge me.

I am sexually attracted to James Fucking Potter.

I just had a dirty thought because James and Fucking were just in the same sentence.

Im loosing my fucking mind.

I wanted to jump that mans bones at that sleepover.

If, you, the book, do not know what that means it means, I will explain. I wanted to shag him. Snogg him, Make love. Get hot and bothered. Get my knickers in a twist. Ravish him. Taste him.

Basically I wanted to fuck Potter.

Purely on a sexual 'Im-15-and-a-horny-virgin-and-he's-fucking-gorgeous-and-walking-around-shirtless'-sense.

Nothing more.

So let's start from the beginning….

Charlotte comes over at around 6 to make sure I had everything (Like I couldn't just run across the street and get it) She made some comment under her breath that I might not come back.

That was a little stressing.

But she's my best friend and if she wanted to torture me and make me spend the night I would.

Though I had suspicions of ulterior motives of why she wanted me over for the night so badly.

So here we go, flashback time….

*5days ago…*

"Come on Lily, its not like you're staying for a week! Though you could if you wanted…" She sang that last part in a teasing manner.

"Yeah, I just desperately want to stay so I can ogle your brother and sneak into his bed at night to shag him senseless."

"Really Evans? Cause that's exactly what I had in mind…" Fucking Potter was standing at my door.

"WHO LET YOU INTO THIS HOUSE?" I reeled around, completely red in the face. Honestly, since you're a book and therefore can NOT judge me, I don't know if it was because I was so angry or so embarrassed he heard me say that.

But for the sake of the story, let's say anger.

He put his hands up in defense and said "Whoa, there Lily Flower. Your mom said it was A-okay for me to come up here. She's a really charming woman. Called me handsome." He winked. "Smart women she is, I see where you get it."

"Oh shut up Prongs, she called _me _handsome. Get your story straight." Sirius came up the stairs, grinning. "We just got invited for dinner Evans. You should have heard her."

Potter looked at me and grinned "Ah, yes, how did she say it?"

Sirius started an amazing impression of my mother, nose wrinkle and all. "You two are the most charming young men I've ever had the pleasure to meet."

Potter then took over, with just as good as an impression. "You two just _must _come over for dinner sometime. Lily has told me so much about you two."

Back to Sirius, "Seems you too really make that school entertaining…"

Potter: "I don't know how you two come up with—"

"ENOUGH!" Charlotte and I screamed.

"Jesus, she'll never spend the night with you two acting like you're mental. It took arm twisting just as it is. "Aw, come on Charlotte, you know you love me." Sirius winked.

"Hey that's my sister!"

"Eh." Sirius said, still looking over Charlotte.

"Packed Lily Flower?"

I nodded over to my bag, about to grab it when I saw a masculine hang grab the straps instead. I looked up to find Potters face inches from mine.

"A man never lets a lady carry her own bag."

His breath smelled minty fresh and he smelled divine. Like a day at the beach. You can't describe it. It was musty and manly yet like pineapples and oak, with a mixture of sunscreen lotion and it was heaven.

NOTE TO SELF: no more smelling Potter. Or talking (like I would ever) so erm writing about his smell. It leads to furthering my mental state into more of a frenzy.

Oh. My. Merlin.

Potter is making my mind go into a frenzy.

In a _good_ way.

GAH! Back to the flashback.

So then we walk over to their house and I see Mr. and Mrs. Potter sitting on two of those comfy arm chairs in the colossal living room I saw earlier.

"Hello Darlings." Mrs. Potter said. "Ah, we have a new guest…Red hair, bright greens eyes, beautiful…"

"Must be Lily Evans" Mr. Potter finished. "We've heard so much about you from—"

"Charlotte." Mrs. Potter said and smiled at her husband as a warning or something.

"Of course." He nodded.

"Well, anyone hungry? We put a pizza in the oven. I think Harold and I are going for a dip in the pool. Then to bed."

"You crazy kids have fun." He winked and walked off laughing at something with his wife.

"James, could you give Lily's bag back we want to go talk for a while in my room."

He smiled and offered to bring it upstairs but I said I could handle it.

We walked up a very long stair case and went down the hall to the left. She opened a door that was filled with pitchers of herself, Charlotte, me, her brother, Sirius, Remus, Her parents, and some muggle friends I didn't know. She led me into her room. It was very pretty; a large iron black canopy took up most of the room. She also had a dresser, a full sized mirror that matched her bed, a red chair, red drapes, a large sound system, and a mural of the beach on her wall. Her color schemes were red black and a pretty teal. It was strange but it was Charlotte. It was the opposite of Melanie's hers was pink and yellow. Mine was purple and green.

It all fit our personalities to a 'T'

I sat down my bag on her bed and she flopped down onto it. I sat on her chair and started to laugh. It was just so weird to think that the next room down Potter slept there. I told Charlotte what I was laughing about and she started laughing too then off handily said "Oh god that's where he jacks off to your name every night!"

My laughter stopped.

It all became real.

And disgusting.

And I wanted to run into her bathroom and never come out.

So I did.

I felt like puking. Like something was seriously wrong with me. She always teased me about things like that. I sat down on the toilet, deciding I needed to pee.

I wondered what was going on with me. With my strange wanting of Potters body, with this emotional weirdness….

I thought about the date and it struck me.

I looked down and saw the culprit.

I was on my period.

Life was good again. I yelled for Charlotte to bum a tampon and we were laughing back to usual in no time.

So glad me wanting Potter's body was only because of my weird 'I need to fool around with someone' syndrome before I have my time of the month.

Or so I thought.

Ugh. Hormones.

So we went downstairs and they had already eaten half the pizza.

"Jeeze glad we come down" I commented.

"we' griffin oozs"

"What was that?" I said laughing at Sirius trying to talk with half a slice shoved into his mouth.

"He said," Potter said before swallowing everything. "We're growing boys."

"How did you know?" Sirius asked before taking a sip of Pepsi. I was putting two slices of pizza on my plate.

"Because that's what I was going to say!" They grinned and high fived.

Then they realized that their 'cool' façade had just crumbled and they mumbled something and Potter ran his hands throw his hair as Sirius rubbed the back of his neck. Charlotte and I busted out laughing at them as we took bites from our pizza and sips from our soda.

We talked and laughed and it was great. Then however we heard their parents coming back inside and we all looked at each other and all at the same time said

"Pool Time."

We all raced upstairs to go change into our swim suites. I put on my string purple bikini and Charlotte put on her black one. We looked damn good.

We ran back downstairs and jumped into the pool.

On top of Sirius and Potter.

Apparently they can change faster.

Let me tell you, landing on Potter was _awkward_…..

But I got past it when he dunked me.

There goes my sexy hair….

He held me under until I kicked him in the shins. He let go and wobbled around cursing.

"Merlin Evans I would have let you up!"

"Yeah but this way I get to watch you limp and scream like a little girl."

"Your harsh Lily, you're harsh." James said still holding his shin.

"God James why do you like her? Think of all the willing women you could be with scoring right now instead of having your shin broken…."

"Eh," Potter said looking at me, in the eyes. Like, he was looking at _me. _Seeing everything I've tried so hard to hide from everyone else. "It's worth it." He let go of his shin and walked over to go down his water slide.

I watched him for a while.

Until Charlotte splashed me.

We all just swam for a while then I said I had a game to play when things were settling down. They agreed after I explained the rules. We had to choose one person to play the shark and the rest were going to be the fish. Potter was the shark. The water fall was the base where we could only stay for 10 seconds. And the stairs was where he had to take us for one of us to become the shark.

We all swam far away from Potter. He went after Sirius and it was big battle. Charlotte and I didn't help.

I think Charlotte had ulterior motives for that too.

Like the fact that she wanted to Sirius to capture her.

Sirius, I think, had ulterior motives as well because he looked like Potter was just carrying him over there.

The next thing I know Sirius is carrying a screaming Charlotte to the stairs as Potter and I sat on the bench under the water fall.

Away from everyone. From everyone's sight.

Isn't that just fucking great?

So then he grabs me and whispers in my ear that Sirius and him had a plan to both be sharks and to take both the girls down.

Uh huh. SURE.

Whatever gets you to sleep at night, Potter.

But I played along because honestly who wouldn't want to feel two very strong arms wrapped around you carrying you in a pool?

Oh. Um. Me. Of course.

Wait, no you are a book, I do NOT need to be ashamed. You can NOT judge me.

So yeah it was pretty great. I giggled and squirmed and screamed 'Potter! Put me down! Potter I'm serious!"

He stopped then pulled me closer and not in the air anymore. My feet still not touching the concrete though.

"I will if you agree to something."

I just knew that he would ask for a kiss.

"Call me James."

He surprised me.

I stuttered for a moment. He hands on my bare waist relaxed some. But still held me.

"I call you Lily, its only fair." He said after a few moments.

"Ok, James."

It felt sooooooooooooo weird saying his name and not be yelling his full name.

He smiled the biggest smile I've ever seen.

"Can I ask you another question?"

"Sure….James." I said it again to get the feel of it. It was a nice name it rolled off the tongue, it was soothing and a consistent name. You could count on someone with the name James.

"Can we Lily?"

I totally missed his question. He better not be asking what it sounded like…

"What?"

"Could we be friends Lily? Please? I promise I won't bug you, and I won't act like so much of a child, and I've been trying not to do that thing with my hair, and all I'm asking for is friendship. Scouts honor." He let his right hand go of me and crossed his heard.

He looked so adorable. And to think my mind had gone to a dirty place.

"Of course."

Say what? Someone took over my body I swear…

He smiled then and Sirius starting clapping and howling. Charlotte was giggling and clapping as well.

"Thank god!" She yelled.

"And Prongs?" Sirius yelled from the bar, "You were never a boy scout."

James looked down and grinned at me.

"Who needs a drink?" Sirius yelled.

James hopped out of the pool and said he that did and Charlotte and I agreed. Then Charlotte came over to me and start gushing. I wasn't really paying attention. I was watching Sirius make drinks. He looked like a professional bartender.

Anyways, I was right basically is what Charlotte was talking about. Sirius and she have been flirting even more than normally and since I was the sensible best friend I told her to be careful and reminded her of how much of a player he was.

"I know that! I thought you would be happy Lily." She huffed.

I knew that she was just mad because I had brought reality upon her once again.

She needed it though.

Too much time in la la land gets you in trouble.

Later that night when we were all inside and dried off we all sat in the arm chairs in the living room. It was a great night. But a little weird since I had packed black shorts and a green tank top. I put on my bra though, at least until bed. Since Sirius and Charlotte were lying on the floor now and James was sitting next to my arm chair.

We were all just chilling talking about nothing then Sirius gets up with new excitement in his eyes.

"We should play a game."

"If you say spin the bottle I'll smack you." I said.

He laughed and said "No, but it's just as cheesy."

"Truth or Dare." The rest of us said.

"Yep." He popped the 'p' with his lips.

"Oh dear." Everything in my body was screaming not to do this.

And what did I do?

What every teenager does.

Ignored it.

"Ok, who first?" Charlotte asked.

"I should ask someone first since I thought of it."

"Alright, but lets make this game quick, Lily and I need to get to my room and have a real _girl_ sleepover."

James laughed "Oh what? Put on facials and talk about the hotties at school and how they rank?"

"As a matter of face, yes." Charlotte said.

"But why talk about them when you could be playing truth or dare with them?" Sirius asked, wiggling his eye brows at Charlotte, "Who knows? Someone might dare you to kiss the hottest guy in school."

"That would be amazing!" Charlotte said, putting her hand to her face.

"But why would you want to kiss your twin, sis?" James joked.

Charlotte looked crestfallen. "But Greg Hemings isn't here!" She turned to look at Sirius and pouted her sexiest, playful pout. "I thought you said the _hottest_ guy in school?"

"_Greg Hemmings?_!" Sirius stood up. His hands in fist. "He is _not_ the hottest guy in school!"

I stood up. "Well there's only one way to settle this out. Truth or dare. Wizard style. If you don't tell the truth when that's what you pick you will have purple pimples for the next 5 weeks. Same if you don't do the dare unless the dare is life threatening, that wouldn't be fair to James. Hahaha, just kidding." I smiled at him.

He looked like someone who just had the best climax of their life.

Christ.

Anyways, I said the spell and the games began.

"Charlotte, who do you think the hottest guy in school is?" Sirius asked.

Charlotte sighed. "To me or our whole year?"

"Both"

"To our years it's either James, Amos, Lucius, Greg or You. It depends on who you are."

"Lucius?" James asked.

"He could be sexy if you were into that."

James made a gagging noise.

"And to you?" Sirius asked.

Charlotte took a deep breath. "You."

Sirius smiled.

"Ok….hmmmm who will be my victim…?" Charlotte pondered. "James truth or dare?"

"Dare."

"Next week I want you to….find a way to get into Lily's house without using the door, anything on the wall, or magic. At 2AM, without getting caught."

"Why?"

"I want Lily to be asleep and talking and have you hear her." She winked.

"I hate you." I said.

"What are you going to be saying huh Evans?"

"Nothing Potter."

"Suuuure."

"Yep," He rolled his eyes at me.

"Alright Lily Flower, truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Do you secretly like it when I call you Lily Flower."

Damnit.

"Yes."

He smiled even more than before.

"Mine turn. Sirius, truth or dare?"

"Hmmmmm truth."

"Have you ever wanted me even though you're best friend has a thing for me?"

"Once in third year, then Prongs told me he had feeling for you, so I never had them again."

Dead. Silence.

I turned to James.

He has liked me since third year?

_Third_ year?

Holy shit.

"Third year?" I barely whispered.

James was looking at Sirius. "Thanks Sirius."

"Sorry."

"James." I touched his forearm and I saw Goosebumps erupt.

James looked up at me.

"I understand if you don't want to try to be friends anymore." He said softly.

"No, I still want to be your friend."

"You're sure?"

"Yes." I kissed his cheek, and got up. Pulling at the hem of my tank top.

"Goodnight James."

I took Charlotte's hand and we went upstairs.

But not before I saw James touch his cheek with his hand.

*end flashback*

This is going to be a Potter book.


	8. New! Entry 8

Entry 8

So I am sitting in the kitchenette room. Why is it called a kitchenette? I'm looking at all the boxes that I have been neglected to unpacked. I'm sipping my tea, and thought I should write in my journal.

Even though I don't want to because I can't stop thinking about how sweet Potter, oh wait James was to me a couple of days ago. He was adorable.

I mean I don't like him, but I think I'm starting to see what everyone else has been seeing.

But if Charlotte says 'hate and love share a fine line' I'm going to pop a cap in her ass.

And then smile.

I might have agreed to be friends with him, but there's no way in _hell _I could ever _love _that little brat.

No. Way.

Period.

It's just not possible.

I feel sorry for all those bimbos that think they are in love with him. All he wants is to get in their pants.

I wonder if he's a virgin…

I bet Sirius isn't.

Then again if I looked like him and I was a bloke I probably wouldn't be either…

How sexist. I just said if I was a bloke I wouldn't be.

Why would that even matter?

But, anyway, Sirius and James are about the same in attractiveness.

Does that mean James isn't a virgin?

Why does that bother me?

Oh my Merlin, Im loosing my mind.

I think that there is some love potion in my tea…

NOT that I'm like in la la land about Potter.

HA.

Funny.

No. Way. In. _Hell_.

I went over to Charlotte's yesterday. It was nice. We watched a movie and had pop corn.

It was very relaxing.

Until Potter and his minion, wait no wrong word. Side kick? Sirius is no side kick…ummm partner in crime?

_Ooh_ good one.

Ok so until _James _(I keep on forgetting to say James instead of Potter) but anyways they come barreling in screaming about something.

Mrs. Potter comes in and asks what's going on and pushes them in the kitchen away from us.

I have to admit I was a little curious about what was going on.

I mean they seemed to actually be angry. And I mean they do get angry but not enough to break a door when they slam it. And the words coming out of their mouths….well it wasn't exactly clean….to say the least. So maybe I can go over to their house to visit Charlotte today and see what was up.

I had a weird thing happen last night. I was laying in my bed and all the sudden I started thinking about all the past guys I liked. I remembered Richard, he had the softest lips. They were just so tender! And I remembered Johnny he was a sweetheart. And I remembered Bobby, he liked to hold my hand really tight. And Jeremy, he had the longest eye lashes! They went all the way to his cheek bones. I was always so jealous.

And when I was thinking about them I was thinking about what happened to them. Richard was always so hot and cold, touching me one day, acting like I was dead the next. Johnny just stopped talking to me. And so did Bobby. And Jeremy.

Richard was a muggle. I had a summer thing with him last summer holiday.

The rest went to Hogwarts.

Hell, Bobby asked me out and I said yes then he never looked at me again.

Charlotte had just said Ravenclaws are bitches and just forget about the fucker.

But now that you mention it….James was seen with each 'crush' right before they stopped talking to me.

Or looking at me.

With no explanation.

Hmmmmm.

Interesting don't cha think?

So I think when I go over there today I'm going to ask him about that.

I don't know how to say it though.

I cant sound too vain.

Going up to him and saying "Hey did you scare away all my future boyfriends because you like me?"

But then I started thinking more and more.

All of the guys at Hogwarts had just seemed to go away.

Since third year.

Fuck.

Are you seeing a pattern here?

I am.

Great, yeah Potter I'll try to be your friend and on our 4 day long friend ship I accuse you out of vanity.

I mean why should I ask, its not like he'd be like "Damn Lily Flower you figured me out. I have been threatening to kill their families if they ever even thought of you again."

Haha, maybe he would say that.

Sarcastically of course.

Or at least I hope.

Oh, god. What if he did?

Noooo he wouldn't.

Its Pot-James we're talking about.

A part of my brain just went "The same James that hexed any guy that 'looked at you like you were meat.'"

My foot is asleep.

And I forgot to whip the green mask off my face last night so I look like an extraterrestrial.

Do you think I just subconsciously changed subjects?

Am I expecting you to answer?

Did you know (again, I'm asking a fucking question) that they sell wizard journals that talk back to you, like give advice and stuff?

I'd be too scared to get one.

Mine would go "You're a fucking basket case. I think they should admit you right now. And you cuss too often." In a very pretentious tone.

"You just said fucking!" I would reply.

"Yeah but my mind didn't just picture a handsome young man by the name of James Potter doing some not so innocent things to myself when I heard that word did it?"

"You don't have a mind!"

I definitely do _not_ need that in my life right now.

Stress that.

Wait don't, I have too much stress as it is for a summer vacation.

Melanie is coming in a week, hell yea!

We're gonna have so much fun!

Oh and get this! Melanie likes this guy named Frank, and Lupin has a thing for Bonny, and Bonny is liking Sirius, but Sirius doesn't know that Lupin has a thing for Bonny, and the rumor is that Bonny shacked up with Sirius, and then when she realized what she'd done and went to Frank and THEY had sex and now she's missed her period and doesn't know who the father is.

D-R-A-M-A.

Now THERE is a summer vacation that is just too much.

OH MY MERLIN! What if that's what James and Sirius was fighting about? That he, SIRIUS BLACK, might be a FATHER!

Now, that I want to see.

Well I mean I don't, because that could totally fuck up his teen years but damn. It would be funny to see Sirius trying to get a 3month old to ride a broom.

Poor Melanie, she's just a wreck about the whole thing. I would be too!

Hmmmm, my cinnamon rolls are done. I'm going to go shove my face full of them.

Hahaha there's one way to get James not to like me.

But then he'd run to Bonny for comfort and I think she's gotten enough action for a while!

-Lily


	9. Entry9Potters Room

Entry 9

So I went over to Potter's today.

That was interesting.

To say the least.

I confronted him.

It didn't go to well.

To say the least.

I need to stop saying that so often.

So I went over to Charlotte's house, acting like I was actually there for her.

Ha ha, sorry Charlotte.

But anyways, I see him in his room when we were going downstairs for some tea. So I told Charlotte I'd see her in a second and I knocked on his door.

"Yea, mate come on in. Im starving."

"Sorry, _mate_, its Lily."

"Oh. Oh I'm sorry Lily, I just assumed… Are you actually in my room???"

He sounds so shocked.

Then again if someone had told me a month ago that I would be standing in James Whatever the hell his middle name is Potter's room of my own free will, I would have thought they had been slipping something into their pumkin juice.

All well.

Moving right along, so I told him that I really liked that we were trying to be friends but I had a question.

"Is it about how I've liked you since 3rd year?"

"Kinda…." He motioned for me to go sit on his bed, he was sitting on the floor leaning against the bed reading some book or something.

I know, I was shocked too.

Anyhoo, I went in and sat on his bed, with another shock that it was made.

Maybe they have a maid….?

"What is it?" He said and sat next to me, away from me though so I didn't feel uncomfortable.

"Well, god your going to think im so vain…"

"I would never think your vain." He was quiet for a moment, I didn't speak though because I knew he needed to say something else. I don't know how I knew. "And even if you were vain…" He looked up at me, looking into my eyes like he did a few nights ago. Straight into my eyes, like he knew my every thought, my every want and need. All my secrets. "No one could fault you for it. Because you have a reason. Because you are so beautiful."

My breath was taken away.

I felt like someone had slapped me.

This couldn't happen.

He wasn't allowed to say things like that.

Oh crap Charlotte is at the door and it looks like she's crying.

I'll write later today.


	10. Entry10Demons

**My apologies! I totally thought I posted this. I had it all written up and everything! My life is just so hectic right its not even funny! Haha, so sorry about that, hopefully im get better about this, I really am sorry.**

**Anyhoo, go on readers, go and read! **

Entry9

Charlotte.

Only Charlotte.

Let me give you –a book- some back ground information here.

Charlotte is fucking beautiful.

I mean that in like if she walks into a room peoples breaths are taken away.

And men's blood typically flow south.

If you catch my drift.

She has long black hair. Its thick and straight and shinny.

She has these hazel brown eyes, like her brothers, which are heart breakingly big and warm. She's 5'11, a perfect body with curves in all the right places.

And soft smooth skin. A balanced, angelic face. Not a blemish for miles. And almost a glow to her skin….

Breathtaking.

She's basically the female version of Sirius.

Except she has males drooling over her, not females.

Except for those occasional few….

Ahem, right, moving right along. And she says no to a lot of guys…

Sirius on the other hand…

I don't think the word 'no' is even in his vocabulary when it comes to women.

Unless he's saying 'no keep going.'

Or 'no don't stop'

Or…well you get it.

So im thinking someone died because she is at my door and she's crying.

Charlotte does not cry.

Unless she's extremely upset or ready to kill someone.

Or a mixture of the two.

But no, today this was the crisis:

A guy, that she had been checking out, in a store in London, _didn't hit on her._

That's it.

That's the reason for all the tears.

That's the reason for all the drama.

…..yeah I know. I wanted to slap her too.

But of course I didn't.

I spent the last hour of my life, that I will never get back, saying "Its ok, he was probably in a serious relationship or something." While stroking her hair.

Yeah I wanted to vomit too.

So anyways. Back to my James story.

Since this is after all a James fucking I really need to find out his middle name Potter book.

I hate that fact.

I really do.

So where did I leave off?

The 'your so beautiful you have a right to be vain?"

Yeah, my heart melted at that too.

Damnit.

Do you know what else I hate?

I blushed when he said it.

I blushed. At something Potter said.

Not in anger.

But in pleasure.

Yes, it is true. The world is coming to an end.

2012 my ass.

I blushed and he gave me a goofy grin and ran the outside of his middle finger across my forearm.

I pulled my arm away quickly.

I couldn't let him see my—

Nothing.

Never mind.

No wait, you are a book and therefore can NOT judge.

You are a book and can not judge me.

I pulled my arm away so he wouldn't see my Goosebumps.

…..I swear it was cold in there.

That's why.

I just didn't want him to think I had them for any other reason.

YOU ARE A BOOK AND CAN NOT JUDGE ME.

Or tell anyone.

Ok, so I'll admit it. I had Goosebumps because Potter was touching me.

His hand, his long strong middle finger was just so warm and soft but rough and cool.

Strong and powerful….

So back to the point, he brought me back to the my question.

"Well I was thinking about all the guys I've liked in my life in my past few years in Hogwarts…."

"Yes?"

"And I thought, you know, why didn't I ever go out with any of them, you know? And then I started to think what had happened with them…and I realized one of them I just had decided was a jerk and never talked to him again, and he was a muggle I'd met in the summer but then I figured out…"

"Yea?"

"That the others just….kinda disappeared. And all the ones that just disappeared went to Hogwarts…and it was all from 3rd year and onward…and I had just heard you'd like me since then…and my mind just kinda…got this theory…that you…" I struggled for words.

"That I had threatened to kill all of their family members if they even thought about you again?"

Wow.

That was spooky.

You didn't happen to see any black cats peeing on anything around his house did you?

Im now implying that my journal can see and remember my reference to any one that read my journal would have that curse happen to them. Because what he said was literally word for word in my journal.

Weird…..

So anyways, I started laughing and he grinned.

"Naw, I didn't do that. I wanted to. But I didn't." He was quiet. "But uh…I am a little guilty for some things…"

"Like?" I said with a smile on my face.

"Well ummm, I did threaten them a little bit…"

"James!" I hit his arm.

"Well, I really liked you! And I only did it to the joker Johnny…."

"Oh sure." I said rolling my eyes.

"Well yeah because that was back in 3rd year so I thought I actually had a chance, then 4th year I didn't threaten them, just kinda stared at the poor guys 24/7. then that bozo Bobby, well Sirius took care of 'em, and lastly that idiot Jeremy, I did sock him in the face, but he totally deserved it!"

I just looked at him for 5 seconds.

Taking in his eye lids fluttering, his mouth, and the angle of this jaw….

I need to stop.

So I started laughing.

Just the weirdness of the whole situation.

Me, on James's bed.

In the summer.

James admitting he threatened guys that liked me.

Me checking him out when he wasn't looking.

Very funny.

At the time.

Now, its…

Disturbing.

Very, disturbing.

To say the least.

So I looked at him, and he looked at me, and then I asked if he could not do that again.

"I don't know Lily Flower, it depends who your next victim will be."

"Victim?"

"Well, your poor men, they will have to deal with me."

And someone just took over my body.

"What if you knew him really well?"

"That's harsh Lily."

It was demons. They just swooped in and that was the end of it.

"What if you knew he wouldn't hurt me." I leaned in really close to James.

"It would make it a little better."

"Yeah?" My hand sifted closer to his hand.

They were really evil demons.

"What if you liked him a lot?"

"Are you having an affair with Sirius?"

I looked at him, he was trying to lighten the mood.

That's not what I wanted.

I looked at him and whispered "I wouldn't do that to you."

He grinned, "He wouldn't either if he wanted to see the next sun raise."

He was still trying.

I –the people possessing my body- pulled his jaw so he was looking directly at me.

"You know him like you know yourself."

Then I got up and walked out the door.

I know.

I know.

Those demons eh?

Really somethin'…..

Oops, forgot to ask what him and Sirius were yelling about.

I guess that will be tomorrow's adventure.

Oh dear.

**Thanks for reading, please review, it makes me smile =)**

**-Jenna**


	11. Entry11Luckiest Man in England

Entry 11

**OMG. Im a terrible person. I have been writing in my own book that I completely ignored this story! I will PROMISE, a real honest to god PROMISE that I will update EVERY Sunday from now on. **

**And if I don't, I'll….hit myself with a frying pan?**

**Too extreme?**

**Yea, well I'll figure something out…**

******Im acting as if this came from the next day in Lily's journal******

**Read on!**

Melanie is coming tomorrow, im so excited! I can't wait to see her, she's so awesome.

And supportive.

Because honestly if I went over to Charlotte's house and told her everything that happened yesterday she would laugh me out of her room.

And then I would have to face James. Between us, I don't think im too ready for that meeting yet.

Here's how that would go:

"Hey there Lily."

Silence. Me staring at him. Then blurting out "I want to have your babies."

Yeah, no.

I don't think that would be too good.

But see I had this dream last night. It was about this little boy. He kept on following me around and I swear to all that is holey AND magical that kid was the production of James' and mine genes. He had the little puff ball of hair in the back of his black hair, that looked like it wouldn't even lay flat if his hair was wet. And he had my exact eyes. Almond shaped and bright green.

It was CREEPY!

I woke up holding my STOMACH! Like my eggo was preggo and I was fondly stroking it through my skin! This even to me sounds really gross. But that's not the point.

I think if I saw him right now I would blurt out that I had a dream about him and our future children.

He would probably sing.

Get Sirius to dance around.

Lupin screaming to grab your broomsticks the world was ending.

Peter somewhere in a too-too prancing around with fairy dust, celebrating.

I can see it all now.

This is why I must avoid the Potter Manor at the moment.

Or for a few days.

Just stay in the clear, that sort of thing.

Well Shit.

There goes that plan. My mother just announced she's inviting James, Sirius and Charlotte for dinner.

In general aren't mothers supposed to steer you _away_ from people like James and Sirius?! Not invite them to dinner!

I'll write to you after dinner, apparently im not dressed for company, let alone mixed company.

Though im pretty damn certain James wouldn't mind my booty shorts.

Or Sirius for that matter.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

So I'm wearing a simple summer dress. It's a pretty green with a yellow wrap under my breasts, and some yellow flats.

Not a big deal right?

FLASHBACK:

The door bell rang and I swung the door open wide, a smile on my face.

"Lily!" Charlotte hugged me like she hadn't seen me in ages, let alone yesterday, and walked in to talk to my mom. Sirius saluted me, then walked to Charlotte and to my mother (kissing her hand, I might add.) Finally James walked through the door.

"You look beautiful." He smiled.

I returned his toothy smile. How can you not?

We sat down and I walked around the table pouring water into the glasses. When I took my seat, James rose his glass.

"To having the best luck in England."

We all drank to it, and my mom asked him what he meant by the toast.

"Well, you should know how I've been trying for Lily for quite some time now."

At least he says quite too.

My mum nodded.

"And she just turns up to be my twins' best friend. Just turns up to be a prefect like myself. And then finally just turns up to move right across the street. I'm just hopping for a bit more luck."

"And what would you want to get with that bit more luck?" She asked.

He grinned at her, "What I need is simple." She looked at him to continue. He didn't. "Yes?" My mum asked him, prodding him along.

"Exactly." He turned to me. "Just a simple, yes." He said 'yes' in such an airy, light voice, yet it was strong. And dependable.

My mother looked smitten.

Bye, dad, see you on the weekends…

My mother was sitting at the head of the table, Sirius on her right, James on her left. I was next to James, and Charlotte was next to Sirius.

Charlotte planned this I swear.

It was all good and cheery while we ate an amazing chicken breast salad mixture, and sipped on home made lemonade. Quite tasty.

"Well, Mrs. Evans, this was an amazing dinner."

"Oh please Sirius, call me Katherine."

James leaned over to me, whispering into my ear. "Make sure you wear something—_covering_ tonight."

I looked at him like he was an escaped lunatic.

"The dare." He whispered.

OH.

Haha, yeah that…holy fucking shit.

He laughed at my surprised face.

"I've been trying to figure out a way to do it, and I think I finally found a good way. Good thing too, because I don't think my face would be too pretty with purple pimples."

"No, can't ruin that pretty boy face you have." I smiled.

"Did you just say I was pretty!?" He feigned excitement.

"Oh darling, haven't you always knew I thought you were pretty? Even, I daresay, _sexy_?"

"JAMES! You finally got her!"

Apparently we had forgotten to whisper for the last few words…awkward….

So after dinner I was collecting dishes for the kitchen and James helped.

He placed some dishes on the counter, and placed a few in the soapy water. Putting his arms around me.

His mouth carefully went to my ear, whispering.

"So Lily Flower, who would you have said the hottest guy in school is?"

"Well, Diggory is a total douche bag. Lucius is the scum of the earth. Sirius is pretty hot. And so it Greg."

"Am I not even on your list of possibles then?"

I was silent for a second, debating my options.

"I thought you would have been able to realize I just shot down all the others on your twins list, except for one."

I could see him mentally going through her list. Making sure. The wheels turned into his head.

"Me."

I smiled and told him to get to get back to work.

He seemed really happy about having to wash dishes.

Im spending the night again.

And for once, im openly excited about it.

And not just for the tiki bar.


	12. Entry12Sucking

Entry 12

**Note: Just want to clarify; Lily was talking about spending the night in general, not actually spending the night **_**that**_** night. And also I know I said that I was going to post very Sunday, but I might post more than that if I'm stoke with the urge. Which I was tonight. So go figure. Haha thanks and read on!**

Emotions suck.

Hormones suck.

My life sucks.

My thoughts, yeah they suck too.

So I'm gonna be straight with you. The most I've ever done with a guy is French kiss.

It was not pleasant.

I have never been decently kissed.

I could count the number of guys I've held hands with.

And only twice has a guy put their arm around me.

And not counting Potter, _one_ guy has walked me to a class before.

Fucking pathetic.

Charlotte just turned 16 in March and she's not even a virgin.

Melanie has given guys well…let's just say not only do my emotions, hormones, life, and thoughts suck.

They've been around the bases, gone to each stop, and I? Well I'm in the back, waiting. Listening to other players' advice. I haven't even held the bat yet.

No pun intended.

I know I should be proud that I'm so virginal and all, but really it _really _sucks when you're trying to remember some happy 'cute couple' moments and the only solid thing in your head is last nights dream.

You start to feel pretty damn lonely.

Especially if its 2am.

And I'm waiting for James Fucking Potter to get here.

Wouldn't that be hilarious if his middle name really was fucking?

Would be fitting wouldn't?

I bet he's done _far_ more than French kiss.

He's probably done more than he's twin sister.

This, between the two of us, is really saying something.

Of course, as I've said, she mostly says no to the guys that ask her out.

But in other cases….in other situations…in other rooms….other clothing options….

She has this weird thing that basically everyone who doesn't live in a cave and attends Hogwarts knows about.

She paints her fingernails red when she's feeling…provocative?

That's how I put it.

But since you are journal and therefore can not judge me, I feel no shame in writing this.

Charlotte paints her nails red when she wants to get some.

I find Sirius Blacks' ass to be delightful.

I just had a 15 minute fantasy about James Potter ravishing me in my kitchen. On the counter tops.

I want Melanie here because I'm loosing my mind.

I'm starting to think Remus is a werewolf.

And, lastly, where the hell was Potter?!

I mean you'd think he would at least try to get here at a reasonable time??

Oh. Shit.

In the dare I had to be asleep for this.

Hehehehe, oops.

Alright, well I'm going to attempt to go to sleep now.

Like I haven't been trying to all night.

Why did he have to tell me he was coming tonight?

None of this would be happening.

And I could have worn my sexy baby doll night gown, instead of my big Elvis t-shirt.

But if I hadn't then I'm pretty sure he would have figured out about the little kitchen scene in my head.

Especially if I just happened to be holding a can of whipped cream….

Ha; ha; as if I could ever the gall to do that.

I'll write tomorrow to tell you if POTTER ever shows.

**Please review! Update will be soon!**

**-Jenna**


	13. Entry13Potter gone Spiderman

Entry 13

**Ok, so I blame the fact that most of these chapters have been written past 2am…um yeah I just realized that they are only 16 and Lily has done magic with the whole 'dare' and purple pimples thing. I really do apologize. So can we just overlook this little factor?? Im sorry! This is like my little 'outlet' story, and the only one that doesn't go along with my other stories, so my bad. Ok read on!**

Holy Fucking Shit.

Holy Fucking Shit.

Holy Fucking Shit.

I felt the need for that to be repeated.

3 times.

Holy Fucking Shit.

That was sooooooooo not what I was expecting.

Do you know what I love about writing in this journal? I don't have to be 'perfect Lily' I don't have to be nice. I don't have to watch my language. I can just be me. All my hatred, all my fantasies, all my wants, my desires, my thoughts freely are written without second thought.

So again I will say:

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!

So, after my last entry, I tucked my little handy journal in between my mattresses and turned around to fall asleep.

Ha. Funny. Like I could fall asleep while I thought about a guy climbing through my window any moment…

Pesky little thoughts of:_ is this really a chase for him, or was he being real? Is James really that bad of a guy? Why aren't I pissed at his behavior? Why haven't I yelled at him lately? Why is he so sexy __and__ sweet, isn't that illegal? It should be._ And of course, _Where is he???_

Very annoying thoughts indeed.

Ok so flashback time…

_Flashback! (cuz im cool like that)_

So anyways, there I was acting like I wasn't obsessing about Potter, and I hear this tapping at my door. I ran up to open my window and there was James. On the tree outside of my room window. "Hey." I said, he whispered back a hello.

"You're not technically in my house you know."

"Yeah, well you weren't technically asleep were you?" I grinned at him. Yes I grinned.

"Cold out there?"

"Not really, especially now that im sitting here looking at you with nothing but a shirt on."

"Oh yes, quite a sight. Messy hair—"

"Sex hair."

"No make-up—"

"Natural beauty."

"Un brushed teeth—"

"Oh I know for a fact you're always fresh." Double meaning much?

"Not to mention the completely _indecent_ pair of underwear im wearing….if you could even all it that…"

Nothing from him this time. Ha.

"Gods, Lily!" I smirked. Well that was fun. See, im good at flirting. (GOD flirting with Potter at 2am while he's on my tree outside my window!)

But anyways, he then told me to put my hand out. I was hesitant about this.

"Oh Honestly, im not going to bite you." He reached out and grabbed it. "Unless of course" He fucking _jumped _unto my window sill, like fucking spider man… "You want me to" He winked at me.

Ass hole.

I think that should be his new nick name.

I personally believe it suites him quite well.

UGH too many quite's!

And since im being honest, I only wrote that because I was thinking about how I wanted him to bite me…

Merlin help, im loosing my marbles…

So anyhozle, he climbed into my room.

"How-how, did you do that?!"

"Shh," he placed his finger over my mouth, "I'm just good like that." He winked at me again.

I would have yelled at him for that, or at the very least rolled my eyes, but I cant scold him for something I found sexy…

Not that I did…

Oh who am I kidding?

Hell ya its sexy.

Then all of the sudden I heard Sirius below us yelling out "Got her naked yet, prongsie?"

James stuck his head out of the window, "Shut up you prat, go away." He closed the window, but I faintly heard Sirius singing "James and Lily sittin' in a tree f-u-c-k-i-n-g…"

"Dolt. Sorry about him." He touched my forearm quickly. His hand was so _warm_ and….UM yeah moving right along….

"So now what?" He murmured, realizing how close we were.

I looked at his face, touching it lightly, tracing my thumbs across his jaw line, my index fingers running along his cheek bones, my pinkies circling near his ears.

"No purple pimples." He barely nodded. Afraid moving would wake me up from my trance of touching him. Memorizing his face.

My hands gently took off his glasses, tugging them until they slide off his handsome face. He closed his eyes to my touch, I stared at his long dark eye lashes, watching them flutter as my hands touched him. His face was so much softer than his hands. His hands were rough from working. Strong and tan. His face was beautiful, he opened his eyes and hazel met emerald once again.

I felt him seeing into my soul again, I felt the heat of his gaze as it wandered from my eyes to my hair, my nose, my rosy cheeks, and finally my lips. I grinned and his eyes shot up to make eye contact once again. I withdrew my hands and he smirked.

"So what exactly Lily Flower was I supposed to hear while you slept?"

Curse Charlotte.

Not an unforgivable curse but at the very least something humiliating.

"Lily?"

"Well, I've been having these strange dreams about mushrooms lately—"

Mushrooms? I don't know where my brain comes up with this shit…

"I'm not buying it."

"Oh? No, really—"

"Nope, you see I think that you've been dreaming of me."

Arrogant, good for nothing, bi-polar, egoistical, seducing, ass hole.

"And what makes you come to that crazy conclusion."

"Its simple really."

"I'm waiting." I crossed my arms in front of me. About to stomp my foot. How dare he?

"Because when I grin at you, you smile back."

"So?"

"when I wink at you, you blush."

Totally not true.

"When you found out I'd like you since 3rd year, you're nose scrunched up, and you bit your bottom lip, meaning you liked it, and wanted to hear more about it. Though you'd never want to talk about it. Or admit it."

If this wasn't so sweet, I'd called him a stalker.

"When I run my finger along your bare forearm," And he did, that one, long strong middle finger, ran across my cool skin. "You get goosebumps."

"And I'm betting that if I touched you're beautiful face, you'd close your eyes at the feeling."

"But I won't. You know I won't. Because we both know there's no rush. Because there's so much time for us. And I'd wait forever just to touch your face. And feel your heart flutter. So when you can tell me, without embarrassment, or pride in the way, that you've been having dreams about me, I'll know you're ready for us."

He turned and jumped back out of the window and onto the tree.

"Goodnight, beautiful Lily."

"Goodnight, James."

_End flashback…_

Yeah, I know.

Holy fucking shit.

**Please review!!**

**Thanks for reading **

**-Jenna**


	14. Entry14Girl Talk

Entry 14

**Its still a Sunday in my time zone =) **

Melanie's here! Woot!

I'm so happy.

Melanie and Charlotte stayed the night at my house last night, and I got up surprisingly early. It is currently 11:56.

My normal waking time is around 1.

I love summer.

Anyways, we had so much fun last night, here's a—you guessed it, FLASHBACK!

&&past&&

(Got tired of writing stars, need to mix things up sometimes, ya know?)

Our blonde bestie finally got out of the car, and was attacked.

By us, of course.

So we took her bag upstairs and she flopped down on my bed. Her blue eyes were bright, and excited.

"Ok spill about last night!" Mel said.

"What?" I looked at the ceiling. "Nothing Happened…"

"Bull shit! Come on we're you're besties!" Charlotte argued.

Yea besties that will give me shit for the rest of my life if I actually tell them what happened.

"Please?" Mel asked.

"Ok, ok, but you guys can't make fun of me at all."

"Oh and after you I have to tell you how I er—_entertained_ Sirius while James was away."

We stared at her.

"You didn't!" I asked, sitting on the edge of my chair.

"I don't know…you'll have to tell me _everything_ that happened last night to find out."

"Meanie."

"Yep."

"Fine, fine. Everything huh? Alright, first I have to ask are you related to spider man??"

"No….?" Charlotte looked at Mel like I was off my rocker.

"Cuz your brother climbed into my damn window last night! Or jumped, or something! It was amazing!"

"Oh damn him."

"What?"

"He got Sirius to use my ability powder!"

"You're what?" Melanie asked.

"Its ability powder. I got it last Christmas, remember? You get someone close to you to put a pinch of it on you and you can jump and climb walls and shit."

"I bet James Bond has some of that."

"Who?" Charlotte looked very puzzled.

"Ok, we need to get to a movie rental right now…"

"Anyways, so what happened Lily!?" Melanie's always on topic, that's why the teachers love her.

"He comes in and I think we both kinda realized how close we were to each other…"

"Oh my Merlin, did you kiss my brother?!"

"Of course not!"

"Sure, sure."

"I didn't!" So I went on about how I touched his face and his little speech and then I ended by falling onto my bed with Melanie beside me as we all started a giggling fit.

"Who-who knew my brother was such a romantic!"

"Who knew I would actually wish I had a James!"

Laughter ended.

I propped myself up and stared at her.

"What do you mean?"

"Just that, I wish I had a guy that loved me that much."

"James does not love me Melanie."

"Oh really?"

"16 year olds do not _love _romantically."

"They do all the time."

I got off from the bed. "All their feeling is puppy love and hormones. Nothing more."

"Touchy on this subject aren't you?" Charlotte chided.

"No, I just think it's insulting to say that he loves me when I'm obliviously a chase to him."

"You don't live with the guy Lily. I'm not so sure Melanie's wrong."

"Oh Jeeze thanks, make it sound like it's so unusual. I normally am right when it comes to this kind of stuff."

Charlotte ignored her, "I mean he's liked you since 3year Lily! You can't just disregard that fact because it doesn't suit your theories about my brothers' feelings!"

"Watch me."

We we're all quiet for a few moments until my mother called us down for dinner. For the rest of the night we had a 'normal girl sleepover.'

Sometime in the middle of painting our toe nails, Charlotte finally got around to telling us how she 'entertained' Sirius.

"Well….lets just say I won't be needing this for a long time." She swung the red nail polish in front of us.

"Why because he was so bad in bed he made you never wanna shag again?" I quipped.

"Or because he left you so satisfied you'll be good for the rest of the year?"

"Neither." I raised my eye brow. "Because now all I have to do is sneak down the hall when I wanna—how do you phrase it Lily? _Get some."_

"No!" We both screamed. Mel and I were sitting on the floor with our toes against the bed with Charlotte laying down on my fluffy pillows blowing her nails.

"Oh, no ladies. _Yes. _All. Night. Long."

Our mouths were on the floor.

"Gotcha!"  
"Charlotte!"

"Haha, I really had ya two goin didn't I?"

"Jerk!" I through some cotton balls at her, while Melanie assaulted her with some chips.

"Hey hey, settle down; settle down, we're not in class. Ok, I'll tell you what really happened though."

I looked out the window and squinted to see my tree, that's where James was just last night.

"we kissed."

"Ooh, how was kissing Black?"

"Hot, sexy, and absolutely mind-blowing. I can't even imagine the way he would fu-"

"CHARLOTTE!"

She looked at us innocently, "What?"

I shook my head, I really worried about her.

We all started laughing, and she mumbled something about just wondering.

About 15 minutes later Charlotte called my name.

"Lils, do you think you could keep him here a little longer next time?" She winked.

"What, do you think James sneaking into my bedroom at 2am is going to be a regular occurrence?"

"Well, lets just say I left some of my ability powder out, and slipped into a conversation with him that you loved that late night visit, and perhaps, hypothetically, I went to Sirius with nothing on but chocolate syrup…"

All of the sudden the window opened and Sirius' head popped in.

"Sounds damn good to me, love."

Oops, they woke up. Gotta go!

-Lily

**Mahaha a cliffy! I'll update quick I promise!**

**Please review! I am not above begging!**

**-Jenna**


	15. Entry15Poor Petunia

Entry 15

**I'm so sorry! I totally forgot it was Sunday yesterday. But its close right??**

Today was great I got to go shop with Mel and Charlotte. I got this really cute bag, and some new tops, a pair of shoes, and a dress. Great day.

I kinda left you hangin' there in my last entry didn't I?

Well lets rectify that situation.

Where was I? Right around the time Charlotte almost died of embarrassment while the rest of us tried not to scream from Sirius' head popping in my window?

Yep, right about there.

Oh, god. Did I just answer myself?

*continued flashback*

"Sounds damn good to me, love."

We all jumped back and tried not to scream. Charlotte, for the first time I've ever seen, and probably for the first time in her life; _blushed._

The world must be ending.

Sirius just laughed then climbed in through my window. Quickly followed by James.

And then Remus.

And then Peter.

Once I settled down from my almost heart attack I realized that all of the marauders were standing in my bedroom somewhere around 1:30 in the morning. With Charlotte blushing and Melanie laughing.

What planet did I land on?

Certainly not Earth.

Did Remus just wink at Melanie?

Most definitely not earth.

Maybe I was in _'the invasion of the body snatchers'_ and didn't realize it?

Everything was topsy terby.

"What the hell are you doing all doing here?!" I whispered angrily.

"Well Lily Flower, we decided that since our group was all together, and your group was all together, we'd have a party!"

"I can only call her Lily flower."

"My apologies, mate." Sirius tipped his hat to where James glared and bowed slightly, for him to take the lead.

"Right. Well, if you really, really, insist on leaving we will." James said, looking wholesome.

Everyone stared at him.

"Then out!" I shoved my hands toward my window.

"On one condition." A grin now spreading on his face.

"What?" I spat.

"You kiss me." I knew that wholesome look was practiced.

Silence.

I went up to him, and touched my chest to his hands, whispering real low. "You really want that?" His adams apple danced as he gulped and nodded. "Well then…" My lips came into mere centimeters from his lips, "You better get comfortable." I pulled back. "Because that is never gonna happen!" Everyone started laughing.

We all sat cross legged in somewhat of a circle. Sirius was on the floor laying out, Charlotte was leaning against the wall, Peter was sitting with his cheek in his hand in the corner, I was on my bed, with James on the floor leaning against it, while Mel was on my bean bag staring at Lupin who sat beside her.

I secretly loved when we were together. Especially like this because it was like I was back at Hogwarts in the common room.

"I never believed she was going to kiss me. I was playing along, of course." James said once the laughter died down.

"You tell 'em prongs!" Sirius half yelled, as the laughter grew alive again.

A half an hour later, Remus and Sirius had found my chocolate frogs and were pigging out. They only tossed us one each and kept the rest of them securely in their laps.

"Sirius! Remus! You're going to eat all of them!"

"Whol et somm oore."

"What was that?"

"We'll get you some more." Lupin translated.

"Yeah Lily! You're birthday is next week, we'll get you some don't worry." Melanie tried to soothe, taking a chunk out of the bewitched chocolate.

"That's right, Lily, I forgot you're birthday was next week…" James added.

"Oh whatever," Sirius laughed, rolling his eyes. "You probably have a count down on your 'babe of the month' calendar."

"_Shut up Padfoot."_

"What? I thought it was a great Christmas present, you're always so picky..."

"I said _shut u_—"

Sirius shoved another chocolate frog in his house and gave a thumbs up to James.

We all began to laugh again.

"Lils, what do you want to do for your birthday party?" Melanie asked.

"You could over and we could have a pool party!" Charlotte suggested.

"Who'd come with _that_ there?" Black joked looking distinctly at Charlotte.

Charlotte slapped him on the arm and yelled "Smart ass." Then she added as an after thought, "Just with all of us, no one else would need to come. Your parents could come and eat cake with us and watch you open gifts and then later we could all spend the night and have a midnight swim."

"That's sounds perfect." I nodded as I spoke. I looked at James and remembered seeing him without a shirt.

This plan had possibilities.

"I really like this group." Remus said thoughtfully, looking around.

"Even with this baboons." Melanie swung her head to Black and Potter. We all laughed.

"So Lily what do you want for your birthday?" Peter asked.

"Hmmm…I don't know…" I was thinking really hard when James put his elbows on my bed and took my hands. Theatrically of course he began, "Oh lily flower! What does thou wanteth for thine brithdayeth? A pony? A castle? A record? The beatles to perform for you? Elvis to jump out of a cake? A owl? A rat?that could easily be arranged…A necklace? A hat that—" As he ticked off possibilities he began to climb on my bed. Growing more energized, his hands start to fly off in random places, leaving my hands to cover my mouth as I giggled.

Yes, _giggled._

But, since this my journal I feel no shame in writing it.

He went on his knees, leaned down in front of me, putting his face close to mine. He wasn't loud any more, but whispering to me as he spoke the last option.

"A kiss?" I leaned in a bit. I don't know who was possessing my body this time, but whoever it was, was strong. And wanted this kiss.

"LILY ELLA EVANS!" Petunia was in the door way wearing a long lace and floral night gown. Hair in rollers, and some green mask on her chin. She apparently had been trying to get our attention for a few minutes but no one heard her because they were focusing on James and I. She looked livid.

I jumped back, falling on my bed.

Sirius jumped up, and kissed her hand, "You should go to bed. I think you need a good year of some beauty sleep." We all began laughing again. But unfortunately we all heard my parents door opening.

"Gotta go love, nice meeting you!" Peter went out the window, as Lupin took hold of Melanies hand, and nodded and he left too. Sirius ran over to Charlotte and kissed her.

Full on the mouth.

It was looked pretty hot and heavy. James laughed when he saw Charlotte put her fingers in Blacks hair, kissing each other hard. He shook his head. Looking at me he said, "Some other time…" Then kissed my cheek.

He _kissed _MY cheek.

GAH!

He disappeared out the dark window.

Sirius just finished kissing Charlotte she was breathless as he pulled away, saluted to us, and put one leg out the window. "Down the rabbit hole…"

As soon as he was out of our sight, my father walked in.

"Alright you crazy kids. Its four in the morning. Bed. Please." He grumpily, walked out of the room.

"But—but father! They had boys in their room!"

My father grunted to her, "Petunia. She is on the second floor. I came as soon as you yelled outrageously loud. I just saw her room with my own eyes. There were no boys. _Good night._"

It was the best night I'd had in a while.

**Please review! Sorry it was late! Thanks for reading!**

**-Jenna**


	16. Entry16Happy 16th Birthday!

The Journal

Entry 16

**I went camping this weekend, (dropped my damn phone in the water which was I was going to use to post yesterday, go me.) Anyways, sorry its Tuesday. Its Close Enough. Enjoy Lily's birthday, I sure did while I wrote it. **

***listen to Crimson and Clover by Tommy James and the shondells while you read it, if you can.**

…you guessed it….**flashback:**

I woke up on the morning of my birthday, and snuggled into my warm pillow a minute longer before deciding to get up. I walked downstairs in a huge white t-shirt that read 'London.' It literally was 3 feet out on my sides and down to my knees. It was soft and cuddly and I loved it. I walked downstairs and my mother was smiling at me.

"Yes?" I asked.

She jumped off the couch and through a threw pillow at me. "Its your Birthday!"

I swear she was more excited than I was. "Now I know, honey, that in the your world 17 is the big birthday and all, but I just—" Her eyes misted over. "My baby is 16! She growing up!" She grabbed me into a death grip.

My mother, if you haven't noticed, is very dramatic.

I loved her, don't get my wrong, but one of these days she's going to puncture my lung with one of my ribs from her hugs.

She brushed her eyes and took hold of my face. She stared at me for a long time. Then, all of the sudden, her mood changed and she was light and happy again.

"Your father said it was going to rain tonight."

My brain attempted to catch up on her mood swing.

"Oh. Erm, that's not good."

"No….so pancakes for breakfast birthday girl?" She gave me her award wining toothy smile.

"Sure mum." I slumped down on the couch, turned on the telly and listened to my mum whistle in the kitchen.

**Later that night, dinner with mum, dad, Charlotte, Melanie, Mrs. Potter, and Mr. Potter. Oh and me of course.**

"Could you pass me the bread?" I looked at Charlotte. As crazy as this sounds it was actually weird being with Charlotte and James absent. The little bugger grows on you. I mean it wasn't really my fault. I'd been hanging out with him all summer. School started next week for Merlin's sake!

"Sure," she said, "But Mrs. Evans—"

"No, no _please_ call me Katherine."

"Right. Er—My infuriating brother, you remember him right?"

"James was his name correct?"

"Yes, well he was wondering if we could open your presents for Lily here, and have her cake and all, and then she could spend the night at my house for a dip on the pool?"

Charlotte was lying. She was planning something. What, I did not know. But I knew that look. It was normally directed at a teacher about why she was late.

"_I'm so sorry Professor, I just remember my poor cat was lost in outside, I don't know how he got there, it wont happen again!"_ Charlotte doesn't even have a cat. She has an owl. But the teacher lets her off, normally smiling. And in reality she had been snogging with some guy. I don't know how she does it. Maybe she's part vela.

That would explain Potter's Fanclub.

"Oh sure, honey, let me go get the gifts."

I wonder what they got me. I hadn't asked for anything.

I got two large boxes shoved in my face, and then two envelopes and a smaller box. I opened the two larger boxes they looked like clothes. I pulled out a silky material. It was a little black dress. It was very pretty.

"I think it will just look beautiful with your hair, honey." My mom commented, fretting I wouldn't like it.

"I love it, thanks mom!" The next box was a few tops folded on each other. The envelopes contained money and a sentimental card from each of my parents. The smaller box was a necklace from my dad, it was Peridot. It was my birthstone, it's a beautiful green that goes perfectly with my hair and eyes. I hug and kissed my dads cheek.

Melanie had gotten me a framed picture of Charlotte, her, and me, all swinging at a park, with big smiles. It was a wizards picture so it we all we laughing and waving while trying not to fall. It was adorable. Charlotte gave me a huge bath room kit. With all the good stuff. Body butter, shower gel, scrub and lotion. All in my sent. I thanked them all and then heard the happy birthday song and got to chow down on my cake. It was chocolate with buttercreem icing. Dee-licious.

Before I knew it, I was being dragged by the arm to the Potters Manor.

"Alright you two, we'll be upstairs all night. Unless we hear screaming like someone is dieing—"

"Or inappropriate noises—"Her father chipped in.

"We're staying upstairs. Have a good time."

Charlotte took my hand, leading me to the back. She opened the doors.

WHAM. Loud music, giggling, screams, splashes.

There had to be 100 people here.

"H—how?" I turned to Charlotte, she grinned and stripped, her bikini was already on.

"Your swimsuit is in those bamboo stalls, number 3."

I went into the stall, and saw my skimpiest bikini. Wonderful…

I excited the stall, and finally got a look around.

Their backyard looked amazing. They had put lights every where, steaming from different imported palm trees, and of course the tiki bar. They had put up changing stalls for those who need to look more put together before heading home. There was even a freaking stage!

Yes a stage.

With a D.J. and a _disco ball._

Good lord.

I saw Sirius and Charlotte talking. "What is all this?! I thought you said a _small_ group of friends?!" Sirius grinned at me.

"What's a party without—"

I interrupted Sirius, "All of Hogwarts?!"

"No, just 80 of your closest friends!"

I suddenly lost the floor at my feet. I was on someones shoulders. I looked down. Black messy hair.

I was on James's shoulders.

Then I was in the pool.

"James Potter!" He jumped in next to me. Splashing me good.

"Yes?" He answered innocently.

"That's it!" I went off on him. I jumped on his back and started splashing him. He began laughing and then stood. Affectively throwing me off his back.

We swam around a bit, and I actually played chicken against Charlotte and Sirius.

James and I won, and I kissed him on the cheek as a reward. Then I realized the silence.

The rest of the school had always thought they could count on this knowledge: Lily hates James; James loved Lily. James had no hope.

And now here I was kissing him on the cheek.

To them, fact was now fiction, and the world had gone crazy.

The D.J. slowed down. Silence.

A very awwwwkard silence.

Because it wasn't completely silent. There were whispers of "am I going crazy?!" "Did Lily just kiss James on the cheek?!" "What madness is this?!"

Then Sirius decided to step in. He stood up in the pool, his voice loud and booming.

"Yes, yes, I did indeed slip Lily a love potion, I was getting sick of hearing Jamesie Poo cry himself to sleep."

Everyone started laughing, good one Sirius.

"You ain't nothing but a hound dog" began to play. Sirius all but ran out the pool. James laughed and pulled my waist toward him. My stomach did this weird thing were it jumped as his thumb slightly, ever so slightly, rub my side. He whispered in my ear that Charlotte had dry clothes for me if I was done swimming, I looked up at him and nodded.

I'm not sure if he whispered this to me for which of these reasons: A. He honestly just wanted to let me know. B. he wanted the crowd to have something more to talk about. Or C, I simply wouldn't have been able to hear him over Sirius screaming the lyrics to a crazed crowd of girls below him. (Five gallons Charlotte would be watching and sulking until she could hex them all.)

I'm guessing a mixture of all three. I got out and walked to stall number 3, and sure enough there was something hanging on the hook on the door. It was a tight, black, strapless, short, 'dress.' It was shorter than my towel. And

By a good few inches.

And I wasn't using a beach towel.

And it had a freaking slit.

God, Charlotte, I'm going to look like a whore.

I timidly came out, looking both ways, as to make sure no one saw me.

Why had I kissed him on the cheek?! It will be everywhere. And now I'm wearing this excuse for clothing.

They're going to think aliens abducted me and an imposter is living in my body.

Charlotte will probably encourage that theory, just for the hell of it.

"Yowser."

James. Of course.

I turned around. "Yea…you can tell Charlotte picked it out…"

"Then she should pick out your whole wardrobe. You look…breathtaking."

I blushed. I mean how could I not? I'm Irish and just got called breathtaking. The odds were against me here.

His hand went under my chin. He stared at me again, the way he always does. Seeing into my soul.

"Alright all you love birds. Its times to cool this party down with a slow song. Crimson and Clover."

"Dance with me." James held out his hand. I took it without hesitation.

We walked over to the dance floor. I saw Sirius hop down to Charlotte, and Remus tensely asked Melanie. Couples were holding each other and swinging. James placed a hand on my back, pushing my closer to his body. He was so _warm_, I shivered against him.

"Cold?" He asked as he held my other hand, his thumb caressing mine. I shook my head no. I looked at him, he was grinning so wide now. He looked like a Chesire Cat imposter.

"Now I don't hardly know her," He started to sing in my ear. His voice was deep and rich. "but I think I could love her, crimson and clover." So soothing. "Ah well if she come walkin' over, now I'll be waiting to show her, crimson and clover." He was calming down my racing heart.

The music began to get more upbeat, the sound building, he swung me down, resting his hand on the small of my back. Dipping me so far back my hair brushed the ground. Then he pulled my back up, this time we were more intimate. My body fully pressed against his. He buried his head in my hair, I felt his grin. Then before I knew what was happening, the music slowed again, and we were spinning, in our own little world. We stared at each other, going faster and faster, laughing, but never tearing our eyes from each other. It seemed like it would never end. I finally tipped my head back, letting out a laugh, and looked up at the sky, the stars had disappeared. It began to rain. It came down hard. I laughed harder. The song started to fade away and James and I broke apart and were thrown onto people from the release.

He grabbed my hand and pulled me to the deck for some protection.

Charlotte came at me minutes later, her eyes bright with excitement. Her hand was in Sirius's, he was smiling widely.

"Ready to call it a night?" James asked. I nodded my head, I was doing non verbal communication with Charlotte to see what had happened between her and Sirius.

James Remus and Sirius went to go tell everyone to go home. Charlotte caught me up.

She began to gush, "He kissed me in the rain! He kissed me in the rain!" Almost every girls fantasy. "And then he looked in my eyes and told me that he really liked me. God it was awesome! What's going on with you and James!? Come on tell me! And did you see Mel and Lupin dancing?! Merlin this party rocked!"

"They're coming, shut up."

"Alright they're all going home, we can go inside and dry off."

We went inside walked upstairs, saying goodbye and goodnight to each other.

Sirius lifted Charlotte on his shoulders, attempting to carry her to his room. I really hoped she would be careful. I knew that she had liked him a long, long time. Though she would never admit it.

"Goodnight, Lily." James said, at Charlotte's door. "I need to go make sure Sirius keeps his paws off my sister." He grinned, turned, and walked away.

I was a bit disappointed he hadn't got my anything. I mean, I know I shouldn't have expected anything, but hell he hadn't even said happy birthday.

Me and my hunched back went into Charlottes' room. I was prepared to hear all about Mels night with Remus (it was her first slow dance after all) and Charlotte's stories with Sirius, at least 4 times, because their guys hadn't forgotten to say happy birthday. I walked in and Melanie was grinning.

"Look on your bed!" She said excitedly.

I curiously walked over to it. There was an envelope, a square box, and a beautiful white rose, lying all on Charlotte's pillow.

Charlotte rushed in, "oh good you haven't opened it yet!" She bounced to her chair, crossing her legs. "Open it!" They both urged.

"Ok, ok." The envelope read "My Lily Flower."

I opened it, and read the blank card, inside was written, very neatly, _Happy 16 Birthday. I really hope you liked your party. And like your gift even more._

_Thank you for giving me a chance, I'm trying._

_Love,_

_James. (A.K.A. toe rag.)_

God, I was a bitch.

I slipped the ribbon off the white box and looked at it. It was a chain bracelet, and one beautiful Lily rest dangling off it. Its not pure silver, but a striking white. It was a Casablanca lily, not a calla lily. It must have been difficult to find. I remembered Sirius saying "_counting down the days to your birthday." _I crawled into bed, holding it and wondering how long James had waited to give it to me.

I spent the next hour listening to my two best friends gush about Sirius and Remus. We were all tucked in and ready to sleep.

"Hey Lils?"

"Yea Mel?

"You know James invited everyone to the party, decorated, picked the D.J, everything The party was his idea."

"Except for your wardrobe, that was my contribution." Charlotte said.

I threw a pillow at her.

**Thanks for reading!**

**I'll be updating next sunday of course and then on Sept. 1, then after that There will be an update every other week. This story will go until June or July. So bear with me =)**

**Please review!**

**-Jenna**


	17. Entry17Thank You

The Journal

Entry 17

*The morning after*

I was the first one up. It was around 8. I seriously had rearranged my sleep schedule before school started or I would have been dead for my first class.

Ugh school.

I don't even want to think about it. I still have 2 weeks. Two glorious weeks. Not that I didn't love Hogwarts, I just really, really, like freedom.

I quietly got up, not wanted to disturb them, and walked downstairs. I wouldn't think anyone would be here. It was Monday morning; I knew that both of Charlottes' parents worked. And I thought that no other teenager in his or her right mind would be up at 8 o'clock the morning after a huge party. So I didn't think twice about walking down the next morning in shorty shorts and a tank top.

With no bra.

Can you see where I'm going with this?

James was sitting on the stool in the kitchen, stirring his spoon that rest in his bowl of cereal. He was reading the Daily Prophet. There was a glass of untouched orange juice next to him. I walked next to him, tip-toeing, and took his O.J. He turned around quickly, startled by my presence. He let out a low whistle.

"You're going to kill me Lily Evans." I wasn't sure if he meant my startling arrive or attire. I was leaning toward my attire.

"No," I said then took a big gulp of his juice, "But I've thought about it _many _a time."

He chuckled. I then took a seat on the bar stool next to him. He spotted my wrist, adorned with his bracelet and he looked so happy the world could end and he wouldn't even know it. He cleared his throat.

"Can I get you anything?"

"Hmmmm…" I debated on just eating that delicious banana in front of me. Then I realized I would be eating a banana, with no bra on, in front of Potter, with no parental supervision, with no one even around.

I began to unpeel it.

Tee hee.

I really needed to stop being such an attention whore.

That's why I would go to our neighborhood pool every summer, to walk around in a bikini and get stares. It was enough.

But being confined to the Potter Manor, I only had 4 attention options. Remus was claimed by Melanie, Charlotte would have my head if I even looked at Sirius, and there was no way in hell I'd let Peter get within 10 feet with me. So it was my limited access to guys, that caused me to eat bananas in front of Potter.

It was all his fault.

Or rather, it was all my families' fault for moving me here.

His eyes honed in on my mouth. It was hilarious.

I took a bite, licking my bottom lip quickly.

"So are the rest of the marauders still asleep?"

"Of course." He laughed, "Sirius wont get up until 12 at the earliest."

Sirius wouldn't get up until very late then. I was fairly certain that I had heard Charlotte sneaking out last night. And I would bet my new red ballet flats that she wasn't getting a glass of water.

"How'd you sleep?" I asked.

"I've had better nights…"

"Really? I slept really great."

"Good dream?" He wiggled his eye brows.

"No…I just had this really annoying prat give me an amazingly thoughtful birthday present."

"Damn, what Sirius get you?"

I laughed, "No you git, I'm talking about you."

"Well I thought that gift was good enough to at least leave out the 'annoying' part of my 'prat' description."

"I added 'amazingly' to the thoughtful description."

"Oh, how charitable of you." We laughed. Then the light conversation slipped away and an intense moment captured us. I couldn't stop looking into his hazel eyes, and he seemed to be enchanted as well. We didn't blink, I could hardly breathe. I could hear his breathing hitch. I finally broke away.

"James." I said, he jumped slightly. "I wanted to talk to you." My hand touched his arm lightly.

"Yes?" He looked down, staring now at my hand.

"Thank you."

We had another immeasurable moment then he shook his head nonchalantly. "So you liked it then?" His fingers danced on my wrist. I nodded. There needed to be a new rule; no skin on skin contact.

I jumped up, walking around the bar to get to the rest of the kitchen. Opening a cabinet for a glass. I needed some water. Some nice _cold_ water. I got my glass and was about to turn around when all of the sudden I felt two hands behind me. Running down my forearms. His hands ran down my arms, his thumb applying pressure against my ivory skin. His hands finally reached mine. Grasping hold on my wrists. I felt his lips brush against my ear. "Why do you need a drink?" He purred into my ear. "You've already had all of my juice." He breathed into my hair. "Stop running away from me." His lips slowly, ever so delicately kissed behind my ear.

Holy Shit.

I dropped the crystal glass I was holding. Splattering it all over the expensive floor. I gasped. He pulled back at the ear shattering sound. My hand flew to over my heart.

"Oh my god, James I'm so sorry." I bent to start picking up all the pieces, but he pulled me up. His hands took my arms, then moved to my shoulders where he began to massage them. Calming me down.

"Don't worry about it." He looked at me, his body far too close for my safety. He stopped massaging my shoulder and took my chin with one of his fingers, pulling my face closer to his. He leaned in further. Further. He lips were so close I could see the tiniest little scar on his top lip. I had never seen it before. I was so caught up in trying to figure out where he could have gotten that scar, and his sent, and his movements, that I almost died of a heart attack when I heard shocked, booming voices.

"My, my, my. What have we interrupted?"

"Tut, tut, fooling around where we poor innocent people are supposed to eat."

"I'm ashamed."

"How dishonorable."

"We call you two are best friends."

"Brothers even." Sirius chimed in again.

"Sister for us." Charlotte turned her head to Sirius, agreeing to his sentiments.

Sirius, Remus, Peter, Charlotte, and Melanie were all around the entry to the kitchen. Hands on hips and shaking their heads.

I hadn't realized how close James and I were. His hands were in my hair, our bodies nearly touching.

Not then of course, we had jumped a good four feet away from each other when we were discovered.

"Damnit Padfoot!"

"Sorry Mate, but you have to admit. It is too fucking early for the world to end. Ha! Lily almost letting James kiss her! I must be dreaming."

"Or maybe, she's sleep walking?" Lupin mused.

"Har. Har." I said.

"Or maybe she's just finally realized what a great bloke I really am."

"Don't get ahead of yourself." I said with a look.

He held his hands up in a retreating manor. "Alright Lily Flower."

I grinned at the pet name.

Damnit.

Silence.

"Well, I'm going back to bed." Sirius announced, yawning.

"I think I'll join you." Charlotte said taking his hand.

"You will not." James said.

"Chill out, brother dearest, I meant my own bed."

She yelled over her shoulder.

"Don't think I wont check!"

"Yeah, yea, we hear ya." Sirius laughed.

Lupin and Peter all stretched and went their separate ways. But before Melanie went back to bed, she grinned at us.

"No more ruckus down here," She leaned toward us, "If you don't want any more intruders." She winked.

That girl has spent too much time around Charlotte.

Then James and I were alone in the kitchen.

He went back to his most likely very soggy cereal and I went back to my discoloring banana.

"We'll be going to get our supplies this weekend, if you'd like to join us." He said softly.

I bit my lip, deciding.

"I'd buy you an ice cream." He offered with a grin.

"Mint with chocolate chips?"

"Sure."

"With a cherry?"

"Of course."

"On a cone?"

"Who'd have it any other way?"

"Deal."

*back to present.*

Oh Christ. Looking back on that, it sounds like….i cant say it.

Wait you are a BOOK and therefore can NOT judge me!

It sounds like a date!

With James whatever the fuck his middle name is Potter!

Remind me, as if a book could do such things, to ask him what his middle name is on our NON-date.

It sounds more like an outing anyway.

Yeah…an outing that involves two people of the opposite sex (that are straight) spending the day together and having, essentially, a male buy the female food.

Christ.

What I get myself into.

**Thanks for reading!**

**I decided that I'm going to add another chapter update. I will post a another chapter next Sunday, then on September 1****st****, as planned. After which I will only update every other Sunday. (I think) I just don't want it to be a billion zillion chapters long, it might scare away potential readers… **

**But think about it. How many entries are in your journal?!**

**A hell of a lot.**

**Thanks for all your reviews!**

**-Jenna**


	18. Entry18Ice Cream

The journal

Entry 18

You know, I bet if I had started writing in this journal every day in all my past years, none of them would have been this exciting. They probably would just be "school. Homework. Study. Friends." Which is probably why I never kept a journal.

Now I'm having all this crazy stuff happen.

My day in Diagon Alley….

I really hope that going back to school in 2 days will put sanity back into my brain.

Because all sanity has left it. It is not official yet. I have not been commit or anything, yet at least. But I'm slowly getting there. Maybe I should ask my mother if there is mental disease is in our family medical history….

Right, erm, _flashback_ time…

It was 8 in the morning. Now I know that I will be waking up at an earlier hour in less than 4—2 now—days until school starts. But this is my point! I should be allowed to sleep in! While I grasped my summer freedom in a death clutch until it would inevitable slip through my fingers.

Anyways, Potter (Charlotte) started jumping on my bed.

Charlotte was not a morning person. So something _seriously_ must have happened.

Haha, I bet that's exactly what it was—Sirius.

I love puns.

Anywhozles, she was singing at the top of her lungs, jumping on my bed, and essentially _me._

"What the hell are you doing?" I mumbled loudly (is this possible? I was half asleep but alarmed so yes this is what I was doing.)

"Time for shopping!" Melanie said coming in. She, thank god, was handing me a cup of steaming caffeinated tea. I took it gratefully. "Bless you."

Charlotte faked a sneeze. We both gave her a 'w.t.f.' look.

She shrugged. "I wanted to be blessed too."

We were all laughing hysterically as they threw me my clothes so we could leave.

We walked to Charlottes house, "How are we going to get there?" Melanie asked.

"Floo power of course." Remus answered as he opened the door for us. See Remus was the best marauder. Not an ass hole like Potter. Or Black.

"Ready?" Sirius asked as we walked into the living room.

I laughed in my head. I remembered thinking this distinct train of thought. _No. No I am not ready for this at all. I want to leave. I want to get the fuck away from Potter. And his fucking smell. Fuck he smells good. Why cant he stink? It would make this so much easier! Make what easier? Its not like I like him. I do not like him._

_Oh my merlin do I like him!?_

_No. No there is no planet in this universe that would ever allow that implausible—_

"Lily?" James asked, placing his extremely NON-masculine hand on my lower back. "Are you going to go?"

I sighed, mentally, yeah I guess I was. I stepped into the fire, and off I was.

I fell, graceful huh? It wasn't pretty, I was covered in soot, I don't know what had made me fall. I realized that James would be coming any moment. I tried to get up quickly. I was on all fours about to stand when _ca-plunk. _James whatever the hell his middle is Potter was on top of me. And not just on top of me. His body was covering mine. Head to toe.

Great way to start the day.

I'll bet that 98% of the female population would have said 'YES!'

The other 2% --Charlotte and I— well you can guess our answer.

He got off me, effectively rubbing his very toned body against mine. Ass hole.

He helped me up and after we all decided that we should split up into our natural groups. Then meet up for us all to be together for some butterbeer. So the boys could go stare longingly at the new broomstick, as we stare longingly at the new clothing lines….

Charlotte, Melanie, and I had so much fun. We tried on almost everything. We stocked our arms full and traveled to the dressing rooms. Coming out for each others opinions, twirling around, and debating.

Charlotte found this _amazing _red dress that hugged her over curve in all the right places. I told her if there was a dance this year, she would have to come here and get it. She instead spent her money on a very cute skirt, and a few tops. Melanie got some new shoes, a blue top that made her eyes just pop. I got red top (redheads can still wear red!) and some new jeans.

Then we made the rounds and got the normal things, some refills on ink, more paper, the books required for this year, new quills (I found a _peacock_ quill! Its so cool! God im a nerd….)

At the time we had arranged we met up with the marauders, thankful they had already ordered a round when we got there. We all sat around talking and laughing for around 20 minutes. Sharing one crazy story to the next.

Remus raised from his seat, "Mel?"

_Mel? _Damn were those two really getting serious?

Sirius winked at me, reading my mind.

"Sirius." James said, or more correctly, growled. Apparently he didn't like his best mate winking at his—

GAH! I almost wrote girl.

Blah, no no no no. His crush. His crush that was NOT returned.

In _any_ way.

None.

Zip.

Notta.

Zilch.

James leaned across the table towards me, "I do believe I promised you an ice cream."

I nodded, unsure if I should really go…Charlotte side kicked me. I'm not certain if this was because she cared for her brother and didn't want me to hurt him anymore, or if she just wanted us, more specifically her over protected brother, to leave her and Sirius alone.

Probably the latter.

"Yes of course." We got up and he led me by taking that damn hand of his to the small of my back.

He should not be able to do that.

"James once we get back to school you cant do that."

He looked confused. "Do what?"

I took his hand and placed it on the small of my back. "That."

"Oh, I'm sorry Lils. Its just, these last few weeks have been so great and I feel so comfortable with you. I didn't even realize it." I'm not sure I completely believe him, but he looked really earnest. "Does it make you feel uncomfortable?"

I nodded. Ha, if you count making me feel a jump in my CHEST, not to be confused, or associated with my heart, my CHEST.

"I really am sorry."

"Its alright."

It was?! No it wasn't. Where the hell was all this tolerance coming from!?

"So…mint cone with a cherry on top?" I licked my lips. An action he didn't miss.

He cleared his throat and ordered from the little ice cream stand out in the street. There were iron black table and chair scattered around. I took my ice cream and took one of those seats. He sat across from me after paying the older balding man.

"Thank you." He grinned.

"What did you get?" I asked, looking at it, it appeared to be chocolate with something on it…

"Chocolate ice cream, obliviously, with red hot pepper sprinkles." That was surprising. I looked at him, my eyes at how his tongue licked ice cream away.

"You like it hot?"

It just popped out I swear.

He choked a bit then started laughing. "You're gonna kill me one of these days Lily Ella Evans."

"Ooh!" I licked some of my ice cream. "That reminds me!"

"What?"

"What is your middle name? I've been meaning to ask for ages!"

"You have?" He sounded incredulous. "Why?"

"Because I was writing in my journal the other day and—" Stupid. stupid Lily, you should have kept your mouth shut!

"You wrote about me in your journal?" Now his voice sounded of a torn between disbelieving and joy.

I back peddled "Yes but I was only cursing you out. And I wanted to do it properly. But I didn't have your—"

"Its Matthew." He cut in, a smirk on his face.

"James Matthew Potter." I mused. "A gentlemen's name." He smirk grew. "Too bad you fail at that."

"Hey! I am taking a beautiful, stunning really, woman out to get ice cream, has liked her for years, takes all her abuse, and I haven't even tried to kiss her." He defended.

"Today." I commented, remembering all the days he had tried to in the past.

He laughed. "Yes, I haven't tried to kiss you _today._" A drop of his chocolate ice cream was running down his cone. His tongue slipped out and licked it up. His eyes turned intense, leaning towards me.

"And I'll guarantee, the next time I try to kiss you, I will exceed." He look another, too long of a lick from his ice cream, letting me watch his tongue in action. It was so damn sexy. My hormones made my thoughts be thrown into a frenzy of fantasies of his tongue licking my body.

"And when we kiss, when we _finally_ have our first kiss, you will indeed enjoy yourself."

He leaned back from me. I was flushed and my eyes were wide.

"Lily?" I mumbled a yes. "your ice cream is melting." I looked down. It had melted down to my hand. A grin spread on his handsome face. "Want me to help?" My brain immediately went to thinking he was asking if I wanted him to lick it off.

"I do not want you to lick me!" I shouted, (entirely too loud.) Many people stared at me. He handed me some napkins.

"Jeeze Lily mind out of the gutter!"

I was mortified. But at least we were back to our old selves. We talked for a while until we check our watches. It was time to meet up with the rest of the gang to Floo back home.

When we walked inside, Melanie, Charlotte and I all sent each other looks of 'I have so much to tell you!"

Sirius went up to James with a very somber look on his face. Then his jaw dropped, and he looked disgusted towards his best friend. Then, in an extremely high and shrill voice he yelled for all of the pub to hear.

"I do not want you to lick me!"

I gasped.

"_You heard that_?!"

Sirius put a hand on my shoulder.

"Love, I think all of England heard that confession."

**Merry Sunday! Woot it is on time!**

**I look forward to your reviews!**

**Love,**

**Jenna**


	19. Entry19First Days Always Suck

Entry 19

So I'm fairly certain that was my worst first day back. Ever.

You know that first day of pre-school? Where you cried about leaving the comfort of your mommy for the first time? That you had to go and sit in some smelly, dirty room and stick your fingers into cheap, ridiculously bright colors and 'paint what you feel?' And you didn't even know what that meant?

Yeah, it was _way _worse than that.

Too the point were I could just cry and click my heels and be in my bed—anyone's bed—to cry and then go to sleep.

But I couldn't.

But perhaps I can after I write about it.

***flashback***

"Mom, its going to be fine. Really."

"I'm going to miss you so much!" She was crying as she patted my head, looking me over one last time before Christmas.

"I'll send you letters."

Her eyes brightened "Every week?"

"Er—sure." I was thinking how to get out of that one later.

"Its ok. I know you will be busy." Her eyes drifted over to wear James stood with his parents. "I know I would be with him so close…"

"Mother!" How appalling!

"Sorry, sorry."

"Just don't let dad hear you…" My father was going to be late. He always was to this.

Just five minutes before the train was about to leave my father came sprinting towards us.

"Oh honey I am so sorry, Paul's wife went into to labor, and he had to go leaving me with Sandy to deal with collecting the insurance money on her poor hus—"

"Dad. Really, its ok. I'll see you at Christmas." I kissed him on the cheek and turned to run towards Charlotte and Melanie.

"Late again huh?" Melanie asked. I nodded and we headed onto the train. We slipped past some first years. "How are we going to find a compartment?" I complained.

"Ooh, I have an idea." Charlotte sang, and then turned to the left.

I knew that compartment.

It was the first one I was ever in.

It was the marauders compartment.

"No. No no no Charlotte. I am _not _going to go in there! I've had enough of them this summer!"

"Too bad." Charlotte said. I looked at Melanie for support.

Mel shrugged. "No, not you too Melanie!"

"I'm sorry, its just Remus has been so sweet….and that night at the party….You know how he said I was beautiful. And that he would like to be with me…and I really like him…"

"Charlotte, please no?"

"No way in hell. I have tasted Black and lets just say…I never wanna go back."

"Oh lord."

The compartment door opened, James stood there looking down at me.

"Are you ladies planning on joining us or standing in the hall discussing it?"

He was such an ass.

I waited for every one to walk in then regrettably followed.

My trunk was back-breakingly heavy and then Ass hole Potter, James that is, just lifts it up like it's a fucking _feather_. He didn't even grunt. Not a sound. He must have cast a spell. No one is that strong.

Damn him and his strong, toned body.

"Lily?" James asked, his eyes searching mine.

"Hmm?" He just grinned.

I sat down next to Melanie and she whispered to me. "Next time you ogle him, don't make it so obvious." I blushed.

Then to make the damn trip more entertaining I fell asleep. That's no big deal, right?

Except for the fact that I fucking sleep talk.

I awoke by being shaken by a flushed Melanie and a hysterically laughing Sirius and Charlotte. I was startled and panting. All three of Peter, Remus, and James had their mouths so far ajar I was surprised they weren't touching the ground.

It all dawned at me at once.

I realized that I must have dreamt of James. I tried to think back to my dream. I was walking in some strange house, I was searching for something. I was searching for James. I couldn't find him. I heard a baby crying. I looked every where. Then I remember him screaming my name. I needed to find him. The crying stopped. Then finally I found him. He was in a room with old ivory hanging on the walls.

He was holding a baby, I rushed toward him.

He fell to the ground.

I knew he was dead.

"Oh gods that was funny Lily!" Charlotte laughed.

"At first it was real quiet you know? I thought I had imagined it." Melanie said.

Sirius was doing a reenactment, "James…James…James…I need…"

"then you mentioned baby and I knew either you were calling him that, or one was on the way." Sirius nudged Charlotte in the ribs, winking and wiggling his eye brows. She pushed him off.

"And then to finish it off you screamed his name!" Lupin exclaimed.

"Yea you better watch it Prongs, she's definitely a screamer. I bet all of the train heard that." Sirius said.

"Not that they aren't used to hear you shouting at him." Remus quipped.

I couldn't control my reaction. That dream was trapped into my mind. I shuddered. My eyes locked on the window, my face turned away from their voices. I just kept replaying seeing his body fall dead, over and over, and over. Why did this affect me so much? He is my friend but its something more than that. James stands for the good. Defending what was good, and to see him fall dead with a dead _baby_ in his arms…

"Lily?" I heard James's voice, he was coming closer to me. Melanie moved away from me to make room for him. Everyone was gawking at us. "Lily?" I still didn't turn. "Its ok." He took a hold of my chin, forcing me to look at him. He saw my tears. He turned toward the others and told them all to shut up and talk about something else for a minute.

He took my hand and pulled me out. "Where are we goi—"

"Just hold on."

He pulled me throughout the train, by the hand I might add (as if the rumors wouldn't be bad enough) until we reached the end of the train that was a good three feet from the closest compartment.

"Lily, what was that dream? Why were you crying?" He hand held my chin so I was forced to look at him.

"Why did you bring me here?"

"I wanted you to feel more comfortable. Now answer one of my questions."

"I don't remember it." He let go of my chin.

"Liar."

I began to cry again. I'm not sure why. "Lily…please." He sounded heartbroken. He took my hand, trying to sooth me.

"Stop it!" I tore my hand away.

"I wont!" He reached for my hand again. Holding it tightly. I looked up at him. My tears running seamlessly down my face.

"Don't. Don't make me."

He pulled on my hand and I came tumbling toward him. He held me so securely in his arms, his sent engulfed me. He whispered in my ear, while he rubbed my back. "That bad?" My body was shaking with sobs. I didn't know where this was coming from me.

"I saw you die! I saw you fall the floor! _I saw you dead!" _I sobbed, again and again.

"Sssh, Lily. I'm right here. I'm solid and right here. I'm alive. Its all alright."

I kept wailing it again and again. "I saw you die, I saw you die."

"Its ok. We are alive. You are alive. And I'm alive."

"What about the baby?"

"What baby?" He oblivious thought I was pregnant by the horrified look on his face.

"You were holding a baby in the dream!" I was still crying and he held me.

"Then the baby is safe because I'm holding her."

"It was a him. And that doesn't mean anything because you died! You died!" I started sobbing all over again. "Our child died!"

Only once I said it did I realize what I did.

It rang in my ears. Like a maddening bell trying to deafen me.

"_Our child."_

He stopped rubbing my back. He stopped moving. He stopped breathing.

A minute passed, and James voice was hoarse in my ears, low against the ringing of my own voice.

"Our?" I now stopped breathing. He took one deep breath. "_Our child?"_

"It—it just, it wasnt. It couldn't have…" I was so stunned by my own mistake that I staggered away from him. I began to walk back to the compartment but there laid a problem.

At the _least _40 people were watching us. Some were just sticking their heads out of the doors because the hall way was too full.

"What is all the commotion about?" The candy lady was attempting to go through the packed hall way. Then she saw James and I, and every persons completely shocked eyes on us. "Oh course. I should have known. A marauder and a pretty girl. Putting on a show young man? Snogging for all to see? Poor first years…"

"No, ma'am." Sirius, of course was in the front row. "It was better than watching snogging."

"That's sick Padfoot."

He grinned at Lupin. I think James was still behind me trying to process.

Then to my absolute mortification McGonagall came sprinting towards us.

"What is this!?" The crowd immediately decreased, though some stayed thinking the show was only getting better.

"Potter, Evans. Of course." Why were we getting this reaction??

"Please go somewhere else to—Evans are you _crying?_"

"No professor. I um well you see I had the allergic—"

"Oh fine. Just everyone, I mean everyone," she shot a look at Sirius, "to go back to their compartment. Thank you."

I stormed to our compartment with James just on my tail. "Lily." I went inside of the compartment.

"What?"

I turned and faced him. My arms were crossed in front of my chest. He reached out to try to touch me.

"Don't."

"Why not?"

"I cant do this any more Potter."

"Oh, back to Potter again?"

"Yes. And I will be back to Evans." I took a breath then said in the firmest voice I had. "We can not be friends."

He looked like his world had fallen apart. "Lily…."

"No, its Evans."

He came at me his hands on my arms, holding me so tight I thought he might leave bruises. "Stop running away from me, _Lily. _Don't you fucking do this. I know that the last 3 months meant something to you! You cant just act like it didn't happen! You cant just fucking dismiss me like a dog! I have feeling too and you cant just toss them away because you slipped and your embarrassed. I get a say in this too." He leaned closer to me. "You. Will. Not. Walk. Away from this." He dropped his hands, and ran them through his hair. "You cant Lily, you cant." He sounded so desperate. So heartbroken. He leaned his forehead onto mine. "Please."

"What am I walking away from?"

He looked into my eyes again, the way he always looked at me now. Seeing into my soul. I shivered under his piercing gaze.

"Me."

I pulled away and sat down.

"Ok James."

I leaned against the window. The cold glass seemed to match my mood. I looked up once and saw many people straining to hear through the open doors.

When we arrived at Hogwarts after a very tense train ride, it was hell. Where ever I went the whispers followed.

"_I wish I had a guy that looked at me like that!"_

"_I cant believe this, I guess one summer really changes people."_

"_I wish they would just get together already!"_

"_They'll never make it."_

The food tasted like cardboard. Though I didn't eat much.

As soon as Dumbledore finished his speech I got up and mumbled something about being tired. I heard the whispered as I left the Great Hall.

"_I'd be tired too if I had a day like hers, did you hear what happened on the train?"_

"_I heard she tried to snogg him."_

"_Think he used a love potion?"_

**&present&**

So I came up here to cry and write in here. What is wrong with me? Why did I have that dream??

Charlotte just came up and shes carrying a plate with some chocolate cake.

"Bless you!" I said shoving the chocolate into my mouth.

She smiled, "Finally!"

**Haha, I love Charlotte, I don't want to end her story! But I will have to soon…**

**I will update next Sunday, the 6****th****, and then it will be every other Sunday, so the after that it will be the 15****th**** I believe. Anyways, what do you think?? Please give me some feedback! **

**Love,**

**Jenna**


	20. Entry20Flirting with the Fan Club

Entry 20

*the 3rd of September.*

My life; I go to my classes, I take notes, I listen, I eat, I sleep, I do homework.

Well except for that little fact of I'm the gossip of the school.

And that I have been taking little night walks around the castle with non other than James Matthew Potter.

Yep.

You heard me correctly. (With your non-existing ears that is.) I'm writing this entry in class, so I'm going to try really, really hard not to smile, or laugh. Or bite my lip. Or twirl my hair. Or –god forbid—_blush_.

I'm leading a double life you see. At school I'm still the same old stuck up, know it all, perfect Lily everyone has come to know and love. Then after school, after I've done all my eating, homework, schoolwork, socializing with my friends, and reviewing; my second life comes into play. I wait up in the common room until everyone has gone to bed. It is normal for me to still be awake and downstairs studying so no one has ever even looked at me strangely. Being a complete study whore really does come in handy. It started on the final day of school last year. I snuck outside to go sit by the lake and think to myself. Away for the castle, away from the hustle and bustle of the students, away from prying eyes, and annoying voices that would try to talk to me. Away from everything. Out there in the moonlight, and the cool breezes I was free to think. That night I gazed at the stars for hours. And I thought about the day before when Severus had called me a mudblood. How James had defended me. How much of a total bitch I was to him. How I didn't deserve his attention.

On my third visit in a row this week to my big rock by the lake, I sat on it and watched the water glisten from what little moonlight there was. I needed to think once again, this time about what I was _feeling_ more than what had happened that day. I laid on my back, and looked to the clouded sky. I remember I was hoping it wouldn't rain on me when I almost died from a heart attack.

"Its supposed to rain tonight."

"James!" I jumped a mile from the unexpected voice to my left.

He chuckled at me, "Yes Lily?"

"What the hell—how did you know—what are you doing out here?!"

"I could ask you the same thing."

"I come out here to think. Your turn."

He sat down on my rock. "I come out here to watch you."

That one threw me. "Stalker much?"

"Not like 'hide behind a bush stalker', I can just see this spot perfectly from my dorm window."

"And you just happen to be looking out?"

"I did our first night back. Then I started checking."

"What made you come out?"

"Its supposed to rain." He handed me one of his large jackets.

"Thoughtful."

He shrugged.

"That's not the only reason you came out tonight." I pulled my arms into the sleeves.

"No, its not."

"You want to talk."

"Yes, I do."

It was silent for a moment. He just starred at the water. "Well?"

He finally looked at me. Then he smiled. "We can talk tomorrow. Tonight lets just…think."

And that's what we did until the rain made us leave.

*the 4th of September*

He sent me a note in class saying he'd see me tonight on my rock today.

"So…tonight we talk?"

He nodded.

"About?"

"Us."

"Can I get sentence for 500?"

He laughed, "Sorry, ok." He slowly turned to me, and shockingly took my hands.

"You're still wearing your bracelet." He almost looked sad.

"Of course." He sighed and then let go of my hands and instead rested them on my shoulders.

"I think we should just be friends right now."

Er—what?

"Had I implied anything to the contrary?"

"Oh no no, I was just saying my beliefs here."

"So…you don't like me anymore?"

"We should just be friends."

"Is that a yes?"

"Yes to what?"

"You don't like me anymore?"

"Lets just try to be friends."

"You don't like me anymore." As much as I hated to admit it, it actually hurt my feelings. I turned my head sharply to look at the lake.

"I wont hold you back Lily. I wont threaten anymore guys. Have your fun."

I wanted to scream at him. Have my fun?! What the fuck did that mean.

You know what that meant, heres a translation for you: I finally fucking won. So now I'm finally going to leave you the fuck alone. Probably because some incredibly hot blonde girl wants to shag me in the supply closet.

"Fine, Potter." I got up and was storming to the castle when I heard him call after me.

I didn't look back in fear of cussing him out until the sun rose. As an alternative, I flipped him off and went straight to my dorm. Wishing it had rained tonight, rain covers many things on your face you know.

I haven't talked to him since. Though its only been a day. Tomorrow I'll have class with him. Wont that be a bundle of fun.

*the 5th of September*

I'm actually writing this in class. If I get caught McGonagall will have my head.

Potter it sitting across the room looking at Severus. Yes, _Severus. _Not just an accidental, side glance. They are full out starring at each other.

I'm such an idiot. I'm still wearing his damn bracelet. I should have burned it. I should have known Potter could never be a true friend. Bastard. Hey look two bastards having a staring contest! The winner gets to torture me first!

Oh shit, McGonagall coming over. I'll write tonight. Humpf. Teachers.

*after diner*

So, my poor journal, you've been spotted. By none other than Charlotte Willow Potter. She seemed exceptionally too happy to find out I had a journal. I have a terrible suspicion that she and Sirius are planning to blackmail me into liking Potter.

Speak of the devil, do you know what he said to me today?

Nothing.

Unless he was seriously ill, I can not remember a day where James Potter hadn't at least said good morning to me.

But he was sure chatty to Jenevieve, Karen, Ella, and Joy. Casually flirting, light touches, soft giggles.

Excuse me while I go throw up.

Charlotte and Melanie were trying to explain to me what the fuck was going on with him and the _best _explanation was he was on the imperious curse.

Peter claimed that Potter was sick waiting and wanted to actually have the girl he fancied to say yes. (not like he didn't have a fan club of girls waiting to serve him.)

Sirius chimed in that Potter probably just wanted to get laid.

Remus offered that I should talk to him.

The only thing I have to say to that pig is fuck you.

Do you think he would consider _that _a yes from a pretty girl he fancies?

I desperately hope so, smacking him and charging him with attempted rape would really make me feel better.

**Uh, oh. Trouble in paradise. Thanks for reading and reviewing! I might update next Sunday so I don't leave you guys hangin, but then again I might be really cruel and not update until the next Sunday….We'll see ;-)**

**Thanks for all the reviews begging me to update next Sunday, and lavishing me with praise at how I'm a wonderful writer…hint, hint. haha**

**Love,**

**Jenna**


	21. Entry21Jenevieve

Entry21

Fuck my fucking life.

What is wrong with me?!

No. No. NO it is not what is wrong with _me _but with fucking Potter.

I seriously hate myself for noticing I just wrote 'fucking Potter' and blushed.

I swear the world is ending. I suddenly have so much empathy for Charlotte; all last semester she had to endure watching 'oh so beautiful' Jenevieve. I used to make fun of Charlotte because she would stare at the girl for so long wondering what she could do better to look more like her. Charlotte and Jenevieve had to be the best looking girls in Hogwarts. And to make matters even more depressing, no matter how much I despised it, she truly was drop dead gorgeous. Her hair was auburn—not 'its so bright it hurts to look at' _red_. She had eyes that changed from the lightest blue to the smokiest gray that even reviled Sirius's eyes. She was 5'11, not skinny or overweight, always had French manicured nails…

UGH. she drove me fucking crazy,

And not because I'm jealous.

That is ludicrous. Absurd. Preposterous. Nonsensical. Comical.

Me? Jealous? Over _Potter?_ And _Jenevieve?_ And their stupid light touches and laughs. For their fucking flirtatious smiles. And his fucking charming grin. And their stupid future beautiful babies

I really want to cry right now.

I am stunned, emotional, mad, angry, and I'll admit even a little…hurt.

But I am _not _jealous.

Being Jealous is for all those stupid girls in his fanclub with something 'his godliness' touched tucked under their pillow.

And all I had under my pillow was this journal. And he's never even seen this damn thing.

And these stupid, water droplets that are running down my blotchy, unattractive, un-_Jenevieve_ face are water droplets of _Anger. _Absolute Hate. Utter Loathing.

**The next day**

I was graced to be talked to by our one and only god Potter.

"Hey Lily." He stood above me after a hideously boring potions class.

I turned the other way, talking to Charlotte like I never heard him.

"Lils?"

How _fucking_ dare he to call me _Lils._

I'm gonna kill him.

"I thought we're friends." My brain was screaming _Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!_

I turned toward him, hiding my rage with seemingly a content smile. "Oh whats that? I think I hear Jenevieve waiting for you to open a door for her. You better run off, she might get scarred without your constant presence."

I walked swiftly from him, proud I had successfully resisted smacking him.

I didn't hear from him the rest of the day.

*the following day at dinner*

What a great fucking night I just had.

My sarcasm is dripping down my chin.

—_Flashback_!—

I walked into the great Hall laughing at Melanie as she swooned over telling us what Remus had recently said to her. "He is so _sexy_. He found me in the Library and sat next to me I didn't even realize he was there until he reached under my chin and I just about jumped outa my seat." I could definitely see that. "But then he leaned in real close and whispered that I was beautiful. Then he just walked out. Just like that. He only went in there, searched for who knows how long, just to tell me that!"

She is so adorable. I really love Melanie. She is just so innocent and pure. Always the first to blush, and last to catch innuendos.

I looked down the Gryffindor table, my eyes searching for the marauders. I was forced to sit with, or at least in the near vicinity of them due to my _super_ friends. Ugh.

Oh_ hell _no_._

I saw Sirius, Remus, Peter and of course Potter.

But Potter was not alone.

Potter was talking to the one and only Jenevieve.

As if this dinner wasn't going to be fucking awkward enough with Jenevieve being one of Sirius's exes.

Was it his goal to get me to snap and kill him this year? Hell, this _semester._

Here's how the table was arranged:

Remus……Peter

Melanie…..James

Me………..Jenevieve

Charlotte…Random 5th year girl

Sirius……..Random 5th year boy.

Yep.

And Jenevieve was not only in my direct line of sight, but very close to Charlottes too.

I tuned everyone out and looked in between the random 5th year girl and Jenevieve, looking nowhere important. I was halfway deciding acceptable amount of time for me to stay and then excuse myself without looking too obvious about it. I ran through some excuses which involved feigning a homework assignment in a class Potter wasn't in with me…

Unfortunately my tuning out skills were not all that grand.

Jenevieve's laugh rang out in my ears as _Potter tried to tickle her._

Did I mention how much I hate his guts?

And I'm 110% sure that I was not the only one thinking that sentence.

They flirted and he ran his middle finger along her forearm.

I sighed and locked my jaw in my palm, noticing for the first time that my target of eye focus was on the Ravenclaw table.

Or more specifically Greg Hemings.

Greg Hemings was easily in the top 10 of hotties in Hogwarts. He was a seventh year—just like _Jenevieve—_he had dirty blonde hair, and electric blue eyes.

Those eyes were currently boring into mine. He had a small smile playing on his lips. Not a mocking smile (that I should be receiving for staring so blatantly) but one of pleasure. Like when you catch your crush staring at you.

A plan started to whip around in my head. This night could be salvaged after all.

I gave him a smile that was known to make men stutter.

I was not disappointed.

His bottom lip slightly dropped and (really laying it on thick) I looked at him through my eye lashes, biting my bottom lip that still was in my smile.

He got up from his chair, never breaking our eye contact.

Charlotte began yelling in the distance and I strained to keep eye contact with Hemings and catch up on the conversation.

Charlotte shrieked in my ear at Potter. "You are such a _prick!_"

Damn I missed a lot.

"You are so obviously using Jenevieve to get Lily jealous its pathetic."

Then Charlotte turned her fury towards Jenevieve. "And you are either such a dumb ass and you honestly don't see the situation or you are just as eager to get someone—"she threw a clear look at Sirius—"jealous."

Just then, when all of our mouths were open, Greg decided to walk up behind me. He tapped my shoulder and I—and everyone else sitting with us, looked up.

"I would love for you to join me in a walk, if you're done eating of course."

I looked back at the table. Everyone had evidently looked down quickly, all determinedly staring at their plates.

Except Potter.

Potter was staring at Greg, he glare unmistakably was warning poor Hemings. Daring him to actually walk out with me on his arm.

I looked up at him. Potters words running threw me.

"_I wont hold you back Lily. I wont threaten anymore guys. Have your fun."_

I smiled at Greg, taking his extended hand. "Yes, I would love to. It sounds quite…_fun._"

I looked at Potter's face, his expression was now showing many emotions. Regret. Anger. Sadness. Longing. Hatred. Pain.

And most of all; Jealously.

_I _was not jealous because of _Potter_.

_Potter_ was jealous because of _me_.

The way it should be.

Then I looked at Greg and smiled.

The walk was actually enjoyable, but it was clear that he was not my type. I played the part though, laughing when I should, smiling, and paying attention. He offered to walk me to my first class tomorrow. I accepted. He wasn't my type, but regardless he was gorgeous and it was annoying Potter. Win, win.

He walked me to the Gryffindor tower, he grabbed my hand for a moment and told me goodnight. He was such a gentleman.

Unlike Potter.

When I walked inside he was sitting on one of the amazingly comfortable armchairs.

"Have fun with Prince Charming?"

I really and truly wanted to say this: Did you have fun with your bimbo?

Or possibly: why jealous much?

Or: whats it to you?

Or: why do you fucking care you ass hole?

But instead I said a simple "Yes." I was on my way to the stairs when I felt his hand grasp my elbow. He looked at me with that intensity that made me squirm. He pulled my hand, making me close the distance between us, pulling our bodies flush together.

"Lily…" I took a breath of air and the smell of him drowned me. I realized that I had missed it. There was something so familiar about it. Something so warm, yet it was so manly.

I pushed him away.

"How _dare_ you!"

"What?!"

"You cant just _do_ that, you ass hole!"

"Do what?!" He yelled.

"You know what I'm talking about!"

"What? I cant treat you the way you've been treating me for 6 years!?" His hands were clenching into fist at his side to release tension.

"I _never_ did what you did." I said in a deathly whisper.

"Oh and what is that Miss. Evans?"

"I never led you on! I never promised friendship only to withdraw it! I never lied to you. I made my intensions clear. And most importantly I was consistent with my emotions!"

"Right because the last 3 years of consistent infatuation and adoration is just _so_ fucking unpredictable!"

"And Jenevieve was just already in the crystal ball!?"

"How should I know, I dropped divination in 3rd year!" I'm laughing looking back at this, but at the time, I seriously wanted to punch him.

"Why are you doing this to me!?" I rounded on him.

"Doing what?!"

"Being what I always knew you were. Why I always rejected you. The reason I made sure you could never touch my heart. Because all you are is a player!"

"You have no idea who I am Evans."

"I'm pretty damn sure I do."

"Then please enlighten me, because you always know everything."

Damn straight.

"You are just another pretty faced play boy, always considering yourself above to rules, because you think you are just _that_ good. You think people below you are people you can tease and abuse for no reason. You pride yourself on the fact that you never study but still receive high marks because to you it confirms you're superior. You are a man that bases his life on his conquests. On how many girls you can get to fall for you. And all I am your one exception. Someone that for once in your life, wont give into you. Someone your charm doesn't work on. It drives you crazy, And you confuse that drive to have everything with 'Infatuation' and 'adoration.'"

Everything was still. James was looking down, while every other pair of eyes stared at us.

James, still with his face down, began to speak. Slowly, and quieter.

"You don't know a damn thing."

"And you think you know me better than I know you?"

"I'm pretty damn sure I do." He said repeating my words. I nodded to him.

"You are so used to getting everything right, you're worst nightmare is to be wrong. It takes you forever to admit you were wrong about something, which is why you never let yourself get close to me. You are so afraid to be hurt you don't live. So frightened of everything and everyone. You allow no risk. I am a risk. And you sized me up that first day on the train, assuming that I was something I am _not._ And to admit to someone, let alone me, let alone _yourself_, that you were wrong about me. You tell yourself I'm the bad guy. I'm the villain to blame for everything wrong in your life. Not one thing you said about me was true, how can you hate me and not know me? Simple, your damn pride. I do everything for you and you don't even ever _see_ me. You say I am confused? Maybe you are confusing your _pride_ with _denial. Y_our assumptions of my feelings with fear of intimacy. Stubbornness with fear. And even possibly your hatred with your love."

His voice had grown in its intensity. He finally looked at me. I realized with shock that there were tears running down my face—and his.

He promptly turned and walked to his dormitory.

I wiped my tears away hastily, but the damage was already done. Dozens of students were staring. Even in the stairways. Girls and boys, mouth agape, staring unabashed.

I quickly ran up to my four poster bed. His words spinning in my head as I try to make sense of them.

**Look how freaking on time I am! It just turned Sunday moments ago! I'm getting better! **

**I will NOT be updating next Sunday. I will be on a weekend trip. I will either update this thursday (17th) or the next sunday (the 27th) **

**Though I feel really twisted that I loved writing this chapter and it was just my favorite couple fighting…**

**What did you think? Why don't you tell me in a nice review? Hint hint**

**Love, **

**Jenna**


	22. Entry22 Fights

_**//Surprise!// **_

Entry 22

—_three days after fight_—

Holy fuck. I have so much work to do its not even funny. I thought N.E.W.T.'s were NEXT year, correct me if I'm wrong.

No correction. They are 7th year.

So then can someone please explain to me why the hell they are pilling so much work on us that I have to run to our dorms to get the things for the next class because 2 classes material wont fit in my bag?!

And its only the 3rd fucking week of school!

Teachers have lost their minds.

Or they are complete sadist.

I'm going for the ladder.

Potter and I haven't talked since the 'fateful night' as Charlotte likes to refer to it.

Not that we talk about it much.

The morning after it, it was all 'Lily are you ok?' 'Lily what happened?' 'damn you were a bitch' 'if you ever need to talk…'

I finally turned on all of them and yelled, "Get the fuck away from me!"

So now everyone is saying I have anger issues and I am a bitch behind my back.

At least they're not bothering me.

Ok yes I realize how completely bitchy I sound but I have a legitimate reason! I have been under so much stress—from school, from these stupid people, from Potter, and most of all from my stupid, bi-polar feelings! I swear yesterday I _almost _apologized to him.

I know. I don't get it.

Maybe its something in the water in my new neighborhood, that would certainly explain Potter.

But not Charlotte…though if it was doused in Love Potion that would explain Charlottes infatuation with Sirius…and vice versa…

Oh! And Melanie and Remus…

You know this crazy theory could actually be true.

Not that I am in _any _way feeling emotions a _love _potion would produce. Ha, that's funny. Like that would ever happen. ever.

Anyways, I don't know what I'm going to do now. My head hurts and I skipped dinner so I'm hungry and grumpy.

I'm going to bed.

_XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Next_ _Day XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX_

Um….I talked to Potter….

Yeah that didn't go so well.

"Hi." I had walked up to him after class.

I'm such an idiot.

He ignored me. I knew I should have expected it, but I didn't because he has never ever, ever ignored me.

"Potter?"

Still nothing. I waited for a moment while he collected his things.

In almost a whisper I slowly spoke, "James?"

His head snapped up. "Oh I'm sorry, I was just trying to count all of my conquests I got this week. Didn't hear you." He slid past me, "Excuse me, I don't want to be late for class. Its against a rule you know." He stopped and looked at me. "Or maybe I can be late, since I'm so _superior_."

Ouch.

I actually flinched and for a moment the James I had come to know this summer was shinning in his hazel eyes piercing straight through me. Then he swiftly turned around and left me in the class room.

I don't know how but something had gotten in both my eyes. I must have allergies or something…they can be very spontaneous I heard…

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX _After_ _dinner_ XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

So I went and sat with Greg at dinner today. He was nice to talk to expect he had heard about the fight between Potter and me as well and wanted asked the normal questions. I answered in a monotone.

"yes I'm ok."

"Its wasn't about anything important"

"Its over."

"I don't care about him."

"It was just a fight."

"I'm fine."

Very boring.

And it didn't help that Potter was staring at us the entire time.

Good thing Greg was too busy staring at my boobs to see him looking.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX _After Dinner _XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I walked out of the Great Hall and Greg was walking me back to the Gryffindor common room when I heard my name called. It was James.

I stopped in my tracks. Greg stared at me until I finally had no choice but to turn my body slowly around, my eyes focused on my feet.

"Yes?"

"May I have a word?"

I nodded and Greg stalked off, apparently he was expecting me to say no.

I walked over to him, taking my time, still not looking him in the eye. I couldn't look him in the eye. I wasn't sure why I wasn't able to do this. I just knew that if I looked him in the eye I wouldn't be able to control what I needed to say.

But hell, I didn't even know what I needed to say.

So looking into those hazel eyes would seriously not help my case.

We stood next to each other for a few moments. His hand itched toward mine for a fleeting seconds but then he cleared his throat. He motioned for us to go outside on a walk. It was cold, dark and late but somehow I didn't think about any of that, I just followed him.

We walked in silence until we reached the black lake and we sat on the big rock.

"Lily?"

"Yes?" I could feel him looking at me. I could hear the water, and feel the breeze. My hair was tousled around us. The moon reflected off the water lighting our surroundings.

"I miss you."

I was quiet for some time. Then the jealous side of me took over.

"Is Jenevieve not doing it for you?"

"You know I don't care about her."

"Then why are you flaunting her around?" I snapped at him.

"Because I'm a child."

"No arguments here but, please, elaborate."

"I thought I could use some reverse psychology and then seal it with getting you jealous... I was so stupid."

"Yes you were."

He chuckled, putting his finger under my chin to bring my eyes to meet his. "I'm sorry."

I gave him a smile, my chin was now captured in his palm. He moved his hand to my cheek, I leaned into his warmth. "You're cold." He murmured and I nodded into his touch. He shook off his jacket and handed it to me.

"James?"

"Yes?" I could smell him and I leaned in closer to the enticing sent, he smelled so good and he looked so good.

"I'm sorry too."

"I have to ask you something Lily, and I don't know if I should."

"You're not asking me to Hogsmeade are you? Because I'm pretty sure that's a no-no in your 'I want to be friends' kick." We laughed.

"No, its not that…its about something you said in our fight."

"Oh. Yeah I said a lot I probably shouldn't have…"

"And I wanted to talk about some of your…opinions on me, but first I have to ask this."

"Ask away."

We both looked toward the water, and he spoke very softly, his deep tone blending into the darkness.

"Do you remember when you said 'The reason why I never let you touch my heart'?"

"Yes…." This was leading into dangerous territory.

He looked toward me and I had no choice but to look back. That was a mistake.

"Have I?" He stared into my eyes, my heart was beating so quickly I thought it would pounce out of my chest.

"Have you what?" My mind wouldn't think, it couldn't.

"Have I touched your heart?" He breathed the words to me and for a moment in time I couldn't breathe.

Then reality slapped me in the face and I drew back from him.

He pulled back too and we sat in silence again. We both knew I wouldn't answer him.

"I wont hurt you."

"You have."

"And so have you."

I know I have hurt him, and I didn't know what to say to him.

"But you know something Lily Flower?"

"What?"

"I'll never break your heart."

"You cant promise that."

"Your right. But I can promise that I'll never be able to break your heart as deeply and devastatingly as you can break mine."

For the second time that night, I couldn't breathe.

My fingers rested on his tan strong hand and he intertwined ours, holding tightly we sat for hours.

It was the strangest thing.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. Melanie and Charlotte think that I am completely insane.

I kinda agree with them.

When I got in tonight they basically pounced on me.

"Where have you been young lady?!" Charlotte just about shrieked.

"I just went on a little walk…"

"A little walk?! I had dessert, a full snogg with Sirius, wrote my essay _and _painted my toe nails and you still hadn't come back!"

"Well it was more like a walk and sit…."

"Well your ass must be asleep for sitting so damn long!"

"Jeeze calm down will you Charlotte, just let Lily tell us what happened with her and James." Melanie was always so calm.

"Nothing happened with James and me!"

Charlotte laughed, "Right. You two were out there for 5 hours talking about the _weather_."

"We were out there for _five hours?!_" Really? Holy fuck.

"Yes Lily! Five hours! I thought you had drowned him in the lake and were trying to cover it up!"

"Honestly Charlotte stop being so melodramatic. Lily, tell us what happened." Melanie said in a sweet voice.

"We made up."

"Any make up sex?"

"Charlotte!" Melanie and I scolded.

"Sorry…."

"No, no make up sex, and we didn't talk about everything we needed to before we can put it all behind us and be try to friends again."

"Friends…riiiiight." Charlotte said.

"Yes, friends."

They both gave me a look.

"But come on, tell me about your guys! I've been in such a bitchy mood I haven't really been there for you, so fill me in!"

"Well….Sirius asked me officially to be a long term girlfriend."

"Oh my Merlin Charlotte, that's amazing! Are you happy?"

"Yes, I am. I am incredibly happy."

I hugged my great friend and smiled at her. "And you Miss. Melanie?"

"Well….Remus almost kissed me the other day…"

"Melanie! Wait—why only almost?"

"We were in class and it was just a _moment_ you know? But then class began and we jumped apart…Sirius has been teasing him for days…"  
"Do you think he'll kiss you soon?"

"I hope so."

"And Lily, have you snogged James yet?"

"Charlotte I told you we were just friends."

"That fight did not look like two friends in a quarrel."

"Oh? Then tell me what did it look like?"

"It looked liked two people with so much passion for each other boiled over until they couldn't stand it anymore and exploded. It looked like two people in love with each other."

"You're insane."

"I speak the truth. Everyone has been saying it."

"Oh yes then, Charlotte it must be true," I rolled my eyes at her.

"No, but it does mean I'm not the only one that saw the fight and came to that conclusion."

Damnit, she had me there.

"All we have ever done, and all will ever do, is hold hands." In retrospect I really should never had told her this.

"You _held his hand?_"

"Yes…?"

"Holy fuck! I cant believe it!"

"Charlotte please get a grip." I desperately pleaded.

"Get a grip!? You held James Potter's hand! _The_ Lily Evans held fucking James Potters hand! The world is ending!"

"Merlin Charlotte, wont you shut the hell up!? People will hear you!"

She stopped dead and looked me straight in the eyes. Poor Melanie looked stunned by her outburst.

I stood completely still. I knew what was coming.

Charlotte ran to window. I was meekly shaking my head no, she wouldn't do this right?

But no, she is Charlotte and god help whoever tells her to shut the hell up.

She opened the window as far as it would go, and screamed at the top of her lunges for all of Hogwarts to hear.

"_Lily Evans held James Potter's hand tonight!"_

**So since I still updated on Sunday even though I am on vacation I think I truly deserve reviews. I even got James and Lily to make up! **

**Thank you for reading(and reviewing), it makes me update even though I am on vacation because I know I have supporters out there!**

**Love,**

**Jenna**


	23. Entry23A walkand a sit

Entry 23

"Do you really think I'm a player?"

"Er—duh James."

"Remus, I'm being serious here."

"I don't Sirius would ask me that."

"You would think after 6 years you two would get tired of using my name as a pun."

"Some things are just too hard to resist."

"Then please explain to me Remus, why are you still virginal?"

"Sirius shut up."

"Because, my friend, there are plenty of girls willing to sleep with you but you seem to resist _that_ just fine."

"Sirius shut up."

"I'm sure that pretty Melanie wouldn't mind too much…"

"That might be a little harder to resist…" Remus admitted in a mumble.

"Oh good, I was fearing you were keeping some information from us."

"What, like I was gay?"

"Why would Lily think I was a player? I mean, haven't I always only liked _her_?"

"No, not that you were gay, I was thinking more along the lines you had a thing for Evans."

"Oh Merlin, I don't think Marauders could handle two Lily stalkers."

"Ha! I don't think the Marauders could handle one of its members being brutally murdered either."

"_Guys_!"

Remus and Sirius looked at James. "What?"

"I need you two to answer!"

"We already did. Yes you are a player. Yes she thinks so. Yes we know you don't think you are. Yes we know you only want her. Yes I think you'll eventually get her."

"Oh. Right. Thanks Remus."

"Of course, Remus always gets the thanks. What am I? The best friend only used for pranks, parties and chicks?"

"I'd been wondering when he'd finally understand his role." James's laughter rang through the door to Melanie's, Charlotte's, and my ears.

"What the hell are we doing here Charlotte?!" I furiously whispered to her.

"We're spying on the marauders!"

"Why??" Melanie looked frantic and flushed (Remus's comment made her almost faint.)

Yes, we were all leaning against the 6th year boys dormitory door.

Why in the world am I friends with Charlotte. Look what she gets me into.

"Ok next issue….Do you think I consider myself superior?"

"Well James, you are superior!"

"Sirius, he _so_ does not need that right now."

"Sorry…"

"James," Remus said in a soft voice, "You are a bit arrogant."

"And conceited." Sirius chimed in.

"And egoistical." Remus added.

"And bigheaded."

"And a slight bit obnoxious."

"A smudge annoying."

"A tiniest bit loud."

"Pompous."

"An ass."

"Show off."

"Vain."

"Supercilious."

"Ooh good one Sirius,"

"Why thank you, I've been working on my vocabulary lately." Charlotte cooked an eye brow at me.

"I could tel—"

"_Enough!"_

"Jeeze James, calm yourself."

"I don't want to calm myself! You just called me one tenth of some of the things Lily calls me and—"

"Oh yea we forgot a toe rag."

Sirius barked a laugh.

Oh my god I'm such a bitch.

"Anyways, what I'm trying to say is I need a plan to help me be better for Lily."

Uber bitch.

"Merlin your whipped."

"Shut up Mr. 'I will do my best to be a long term boyfriend for you.'"

Sirius didn't make a comeback.

"So guys what do you think?"

"Well mate I've been telling you for years just to go for another girl. It looked like Jenevieve would be happy to step in…"

"You know I don't do sloppy seconds."

"You seemed to like her a few days ago."

"That was for my last, completely idiotic, plan. That I thought of all myself—"

"Explains that completely idiotic part."

"Shut up you, anyway you two, Remus in particular, need to help me."

"Hey excuse moi, I'm the only one in this room that actually has a girlfriend."

"Point taken Padfoot. What do you propose?"

"Well, here is my brilliant plan. You two might want to take notes."

"Har, har. Continue."

"Alright, now what I have noticed with woman is that they like _honesty._ That whole turn in your manly card and talk with your heart. Not literally, but what you _feel._ But not about some things. Just your feelings, mostly how you feel about them."

"So you want me to go run to Lily now and tell her I'm madly in love with her?"

Do what? He didn't just say the 'L' word did he??

Oh yes, yes he did.

He said 'madly in love with her.' Her being me. Me being the girl he is in love with. As in _me_.

Holy hell.

Why am I here? Why did I just hear that? I guess its true what they say about eavesdroppers. Why am I here?!

Oh right.

Damn you Charlotte.

"I still cant believe you broke that rule Prongs."

"It was a stupid rule." They must have given him funny looks, "Or at least you two will think so once you finally find a girl that makes you want to jump off a building if it would impress her."

"Maybe Lily's half vela?"

"I swear if I knew she truly didn't give a shit about you mate I would have sworn she slips some love potion in your pumpkin juice every morning."

"Oh nice Padfoot, thanks for telling me yet again that she doesn't give a shit about me."

"Anything to help mate."

"But I think that has changed."

"What are you on about Remus?" Sirius asked.

"Well I saw that fight first hand, that seriously did not look like other fights you two have had before."

"Yea, because that time I really had screwed up."

"No, I mean she was _crying._"

"I know." James sounded so sad.

"But I mean those weren't tears of anger."

Damn you Remus I had tried really hard to convince myself they were.

"I think she has feelings for you."

"Yeah like hatred and loathing."

"No, Prongs, I think she has _good _feelings for you."

"You—you think she likes me?"

Oh shit.

"Well lets look at the facts here, she was very upset about that dream, and she even let you hold her. She cried at a fight, she tried to make you jealous with Hemings," At this James snarled, "she forgave you, and most importantly she held your hand and let you keep holding her hand for hours."

Sirius laughed, "and don't forget she told her friends about that little hold holding."

James laughed with him, "Poor Lily. Sirius you've got a pistol do you know that? My sister is crazy,"

"That's how I like 'em"

All three boys laughed.

"So Remus and Sirius what should my next plan of action to get Lily be?"

"Just be friends for now, and try to hold her hand again. That was really good."

"I was so shocked you have no idea."

Sirius laughed, "I would have had a heart attack."

"Well hopefully then Lily wont be holding your hand any time soon."

"I cant make any promises, I am devilishly handsome."

"All I can say is that your devilishly handsome self better not hurt my little sister."

"I wont James."

"Better not. And Remus? Have you asked Melanie out yet?"

"You know why I cant."

"if _Snivellus _can know about your fury little problem I'm pretty sure that Melanie can."

"But he was ordered not to tell any one."

"I think she's trustworthy, and if she likes you enough…."

"A teenager girl is not going to stick around someone like me because we _like_ each other."

"You never know."

"I still cant believe you did that to Snape, what the hell were you thinking?!" James scolded at Sirius.

"Let it go alright."

"For now." James replied to Sirius in a low tone.

It was quiet for some time and I think all of us were just thinking. Remus broke the silence right before I was going to suggest we leave.

"Where's Peter?"

"No idea." James responded.

"I'll get the map." Sirius said. We all heard the bed spring moan and a trunk unhitch. Followed by the sound of paper unfolding.

Sirius chuckled and then said in a delighted voice "Well gentlemen it seems we have company. Should we invite them in or make a list of all the ways we can blackmail them first?"

**Da, da, da, **_**dah**_**!!!**

**A nice cliffhanger for you =)**

**Just to clear some things up, the staring with James and Snape a few chapters back was the night after that amazing, note sarcasm, prank by Sirius was committed. So that explains that. I thought I could give you some insight to how the boys are thinking.**

**Thanks for taking the time to review, I really appreciate all the reviews I know that all of you will give….you know all those people that have me on an alert that never review…yes I am talking to you. You know who you are. Haha wow I need to stop eating sugar at night…**

**See you next Sunday!**

**Love,**

**Jenna**


	24. Entry24Boy Talk

Entry 24

I have humiliated myself quite a few times. Once on my first day of school I walked into the boys bathroom by mistake. One time I had something black in my teeth for the whole day. Some boy had cast a spell to make my hair blue in first year. Another boy bewitched my hair to turn into carrots. I've even worn a white t shirt in the rain without a bra in front of the marauders.

I've had my moments.

But _nothing _can compare to that moment when Sirius swung the door open and we all came tumbling forward.

I do believe this calls for a _flashback_!

We were frozen. Did he mean us? How did they know??

We were frozen, waiting, not breathing.

Then the door handle turned and the door glided open. We fell forward, Sirius stepped out of our way. We laid there, looking up at James, Remus, and Sirius from the carpet.

"Um…hi."

"Yes hello Charlotte. What did we do to be granted with your glorious presence?"

"Well, um, ya see…."

"Yes?" James said from his bed. And that's when I really looked at him for the first time.

James was sitting on the bed in stripped pajama pants.

And that's it.

I'd seen him shirtless many times over the summer but there was something different about today. Somewhere in my brain told me it was because he was on a bed.

Then I remembered that I was in my pajamas too.

My little skimpy night dress and short bath robe.

I blame Charlotte.

"I was just coming to visit."

"Oh really Charlotte? Because it seems to me that you came up here to eavesdrop on us."

"Oh does it?" Charlotte got up form the ground and took Sirius's hand.

"Maybe we should go on a walk and…discuss this deference of opinion." Charlotte was cozying on up to him, wrapping her arms around him.

"Oh yeah?" Sirius's voice had dropped a notch, his arms circled around her body.

"Yes." She purred in his ear. Then whispered something along the lines of I'll make it worth you're while.

"_Ah hem."_ Poor James. Having to watch his little sister seduce his best friend.

Not that it takes much to seduce Sirius Black.

Now that's funny.

Anyways, Sirius, of course, leads Charlotte outside (grabbing two coats which I noted was thoughtful.) Remus looked at Melanie now.

"How much did you hear?" For the first time in my life I saw Remus blush.

"A lot."

"Anything you might find interesting?"

"Lots."

"Such as?"

I don't know what he was playing at, what else would she be interested in but him saying she would be hard to resist?

"What you said about me…about wanting me." Melanie I believe will be permanently red.

"Oh." Remus looked down, "Right."

"Maybe we should go talk?" She offered. Remus looked up at Melanie, seemed to that idea doable and go up, took her hand, and promptly left James and I alone. In his bed. With both of us half dressed.

Oh. Boy.

"So…" I said awkwardly.

"How about this, I'm the only one that didn't get seduce into forgetting why you are here right now."

"Probably because you know I wouldn't really be seducing you out of want, but just to make you forget."

"To be honest, I wouldn't care."

Silence. Lots and lots of awkward silence.

"But since you are a classier lady, no offense to my sister and Melanie, I am here, relatively boner free, and need some answers."

I burst out laughing.

"Relatively?"

"Well Lily you look damn sexy in that nightie."

I stopped laughing. "I'll remember that." I lightly walked closer to him.

"Seducing me to get out of answers. I thought you were better than that Lily Flower."

"What if I'm not just seducing to get out of answers."

He gulped.

"What if I really want you? What if I really want that toned, tan, muscular, chest pressed against me?"

"Lily…" His voice shook.

Then I stopped walking towards him. "Oh wait, I forgot. That type of thing doesn't work on you. I'll answer your questions now."

"Merlin Lily." He sat down on the bed.

"I'd say that you're quite a bit more that relatively boner free. I'd say that you're bonerastic."

Now it was his turn to burst out laughing.

"I never thought I hear you talking about my dick getting a boner."

"Things change."

"Yeah, like the fact of _you_ stalking _me_."

"I was not stalking."

"Oh, ok my mistake. You were just listening, at my door, to me talking, to gather information."

"It was Charlotte!"

"Sure, sure."

"Humpf. Fine. Whatever. Don't believe. I don't care."

"You're cute when you act like something doesn't affect you."

"I don't look cute."

"Yes you do."

"Do not."

"Do too."

"Do not."

"Lily, you are always cute to me, you will always be cute to me. You are my gorgeous, beautiful, intelligent, feisty, loving, _cute, _Lily Flower."

"_Your_?"

"Yes, mine."

"I'm not yours James."

"But one day, you will be."

"You're very confident about this."

He shrugged, "It keeps my hope alive."

"Right, cant have that die out."

"Oh really?" He seemed very excited about my statement.

"Well yes. If that died the James Potter Fan club members would rape you in your sleep."

"Are you a member?"

I looked at him like he was crazy, "Of course not."

"Damn, cause if so, it would totally be worth it."

"Oh yes, how horrible. Tons of girls coming over in the middle of the night to fuck you."

"I don't know about that. One of those fan club girls is Elle Miller, have you seen here? I definitely don't wanna wake up to find _that_ on top of me…"

"Your such a pig."

"Your such a stalker." He winked at me.

"You're still gonna ask me those questions aren't you?"

"Yep."

"Ok then get on with it."

"Yes ma'am."

"Wait, on one condition."

"I don't think your really in the position to be making any deals right now."

"I'll take off my robe."

"Deal." We laughed. "So lets start with the oblivious, why were you here?"

"To listen."

"What were you wanting to hear?"

"I honestly don't know. Charlotte just suggested it—"

"Oh right. Out of the blue she walked into your dormitory at," he checked his watch, "11 pm and said lets go spy on the marauders?"

"Technically it was more like 10…"

"You stood there and listened for an _hour?"_

"Of course not, it took some time to convince us to actually go."

"Right."

"But when you were being convinced to go, what did she say that would make you wanna come here and listen to us? What did you want to hear?"

"I don't want to tell you."

"Too bad."

"James…" I whined.

"Lily."

"I—I—" I looked at him then hung my head, "its embarrassing."

"What? Where you wanting me to hear about all the things I want to do to your body?" He wiggled his eyebrows at me.

"No!"

"Damn."

I threw a pillow at him.

"Just kidding. But really Lily, please tell me." He did that thing were he looks at me like he were a starving man and I was an all you can eat buffet.

"I wanted to see if you talked about me to your friends like an object, like a player would." I bit my lip, and continued, "Or if you talked to them about me like, like you loved me."

"You didn't need to eavesdrop to know that Lily."

I looked up at him, my eyes wide and drinking in the sight of him. He stood in front of me, looking down at me. I had this urge to run towards him and wrap him in my arms, take him in to me, and breathe in his warmth.

"James." My voice broke. We both knew I wouldn't run to him. We both knew I couldn't. Not yet. Maybe one day I could reach for him. But today was not the right day. He seemed to understand that and put his hand out for me to take. I was glad he did this, I wanted his comfort. I was really confused.

"Whats you're question?" He rubbed circles on palm, his hand was so warm and strong. I loved his hands.

Look at that, I admitted that I loved something about James Potter! Woot.

Erm, anyways, I stared at our hands as I spoke.

"How did you know we were outside the room? What's the map? And while we're on the subject what does Snape know, and what the hell is Lupin's fury little problem?"

"That's more than one question. And some of those aren't mine to answer."

"Ok, but can you tell me what the map is?"

James broke my hold on his hand, walked over to Sirius's four poster bed and picked up a blank piece of paper.

He motioned for me to sit on the bed with him. I did.

"This, Lily Flower is the marauders map."

I looked up at him, my eye brows burrowed together. I nodded, wanting him to continue. He wanted something I could tell. Then he flexed his hand and I understood.

I put my hand on his, and he intertwined his thick long fingers with mine. He looked at me while he spoke, a small smirk on his handsome face.

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

**I'm not happy with this chapter. I wanted to make it longer. And I wanted to add more of Lily's thoughts, and I have a new plot in mind but I didn't know how to get there from here. And it needed to stop here. I didn't know how to get this right for the next chapter I have in mind…**

**I'll 'make it work.' Haha little Project Runway humor…sorry if you don't know what that means.**

**I will NOT be updating this Sunday. **

**I will be updating _this_ Thursday or Friday morning. Aren't you proud!? So proud that you'll review, right? Right?**

**Love,**

**Jenna**


	25. Entry25Womanly Ways

Entry 25

"_I solemnly swear I am up to no good."_

I watched in amazement as the blank piece of paper he held began to have black ink spread across it. The marauders map spread in eloquent print.

"What is thi-"

"PRONGS!"

James and I both jumped a foot as the door slammed against the door and Lupin's voice filled our ears.

"what Remus?!" James yelled back.

Remus waltzed in, his head held high. "I've finally got a girlfriend." He said with a smirk.

James groaned. "Great. Now only Pete and I will be the only losers in the m'rauds."

"Actually Pete's going out with that hufflepuff chickie."

"Abby?"

"Yep."

"Now I really feel pathetic."

"Oh don't feel too bad." Remus looked at me, "it does seem that I've interrupted something."

James looked at me, then frowned. "No, Remus. Nothing at all." I cocked an eyebrow at him. Were we not just holding hands and sitting on his _bed_? Was that _nothing_?

James stood up, tucked the paper in his back pocket and cleared his throat.

"I'm really sorry Lily but I need to do some homework, can we talk tomorrow?"

"Er—"I looked around and stood up, "Sure, James."

He smiled at me, and I left.

That was weird right?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX the next day XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

What the fuck. What the fuck. What the holy fuck above is wrong with James fucking Matthew fucking Potter?! Fuck.

That was a lot of Fucks.

Fuck that.

I don't care if I say Fuck.

So fuck you journal, I don't care if I say fuck.

Because fucking James Potter has a fucking date.

A DATE!!

A date?

Yes, a date.

A very un-friend date.

A very un-friend date with a woman.

A very un-friend date with a woman who is very pretty.

A very un-friend date with a woman who is very pretty whose name happens to be Jenevieve Ducos.

Fuck.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX the next day XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I suppose I should elaborate on my last entry.

You see, again who am I talking to? Anyway I was assigned to be Kara Love's partner, who is the gossiping bimbo of Hogwarts, and was attempted to complete a focusing potion, when she puts her hand on my shoulder.

"How are you holding up?"

I looked at her like she was crazy. "What are you talking about?"

"I mean if I were you, I would be in the bathroom stalls crying. Or maybe since you are _you_," she said rudely, "you might celebrate."

"What are you _talking_ about??"

She gasped. "You _don't know?!"_

"No…."

She hugged me. "Oh Lily! I'm sorry to be the one to tell you." She looked positively delighted. "Well you know Jenevieve Duclos right? The really pretty 7th year?" I nodded, "Well….James asked her to go to Hogsmeade with him."

I stared at her blankly.

James had had girlfriends before of course.

Wait. Hadn't he?

He had gone out with that Rory chick for a while.

Until she broke up with him because she felt used to get a girl jealous, who is in all probability me.

He went on a date with that Sarah girl.

Once.

And there was Kelly.

Once.

And…umm…. Becca was his valentine….in second year.

Holy fuck I'm a bitch.

And I feel no guilt in writing this because you are my journal; I kinda like that he has been waiting for me.

Does that mean hes a virgin?

That is sooo not that point, Lily. Especially now that he has a girlfriend.

Why would he even date her? I'm way prettier than her.

Ha. Yea. Riiight. Prettier than Jenevieve Duclos.

_Charlotte's _self esteem gets taken down a notch when Jenevieve walks in the room.

Anyway, here I am staring at Kara when the potion begins to boil over.

My 3 days of slaving over this damn contraption is dead.

Mr. Slughorn walked over to me and started talking about how I must have just made a mistake and it happens to everyone, blah, blah, blah. Meanwhile I looked over at James. He gave me a smile and mouthed if I was ok.

I looked the other way.

I looked at Greg.

Fuck you Potter.

If you wanna play, I'll play.

I winked at Greg.

But I play dirty.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX The same night, in dormitory XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

It all started in the library. I went in there dinner—which was just _peachy_, I had to ignore Potter all dinner, not that I wanted to talked to him, or miss talking to. Yeah, right, I would never _miss— _

Ok yes I missed talking to him. Moving on. I went to the library to escape Melanie and Charlotte from quizzing me on what was wrong.

When I said Charlotte was like Sirius this included the allergy to the library.

I went to the secluded, tiny, little alcove of ancient greek/roman history, wizard style. It had a very nice table there with comfortable chairs that never squeaked, or was lopsided—yes I'm a nerd. Leave me alone.

Moving right along, I went on to my table and—get this—Potter was sitting there. Chomping on an apple. Looking at me expectantly.

"I knew you'd be here."

I ignored him yet again and took my seat taking out my book.

"Lily talk to me." My book was very interesting.

"Please Lil?"

Nothing.

He took my chin and forced me to look into his hazel eyes.

"What the hell is wrong with you?! Are you mad I kicked you out 2 days ago?" He furiously whispered.

"No!" I spit out.

"Then what Lily. Tell me whats going on. What did I do?" He pleaded desperately.

"Why do you care about _me_? Don't you have somewhere else to be?"

"Like where?" He looked very confused.

I slammed my book shut. "Figure it out."

"I don't want to figure it out damnit!" He yelled, not whispered loudly like we had been, but really yelled. A round of 'sssh's came thrown at us. He grabbed my hand. "Tell me what I did wrong. You cant expect me to just _know_. Please tell me what I did so I can make it better."

"What do you expect from me?!" I whirled on him.

"An answer!"

"So your finally sick of me huh? Finally just want a nice lay to get your mind off your life. Just a nice girl to screw around with. No feelings. No strings attracted. No—"

"_What are you talking about?"_

"What am _I_ talking about? You pompous, complete ass hole, I cant believe you would do this to me! I cant—" My hand went to his body, to smack him, to punch him, I don't honestly know. But my hand was going towards his head.

He grabbed my wrist, stopping my assault. His thumb then moved to the chain that held the lily he gave me. His movements slowed and my breathing stopped. He brought my wrist to his nose, breathing. His mouth graced the chain, his soft lips tracing my skin. It felt like it was lit on fire. My breath I had been holding came out in a rush, my hand began shaking. His plump pink lips kissed the pendant. My palm spread against his cheek, holding it there. His skin was warm to the touch and I leaned in closer to him.

"You still wear it." He breathed against my skin.

"I never take it off."

He pulled back slightly. "Really?" I nodded. "Are you going to tell me whats wrong Lily? Please?"

I withdrew my hand, and crossed my arms in front of my chest.

"Jenevieve Duclos."

"I thought we had gotten over that."

I looked at him with poison on my eyes. "Apparently you hadn't."

He looked at me perplexed.

I looked at him up and down. "I don't know why you'd have to have your best friends leftovers, but hey. Its your dick. Do with it as you please. Do whoever you want. I don't care."

"I never slept with her Lily! I only flirted! What is your problem?"

I slowly sat down. I put my head in my hands, and sighed. I slowly murmured, mostly to myself, "you asked her to Hogsmeade."

I felt the chair next to me move and heard him sit. I felt his hand touch my wrist again. My skin began to tingle, I hate the way his touch affects me.

He began to hold my hand, traced patterns along my sensitive ivory skin.

"I'm not going out with Jenevieve."

"Oh."

"I'm sorry if that hurt you."

I pulled my hand back. "It didn't _hurt_ me!"

He chuckled, "whatever you say."

"I was not affected at all."

"Whatever gets you to sleep at night."

We were silent for a moment, "So…just to clarify, your not going to Hogsmeade with anyone."

"Are you offering?"

"No!"

"how about we compromise?"

"let me here it first."

"Well…lets think here, Sirius and Charlotte, as much as I hate to think about it, will want privacy. Remus and Melanie will want to be alone as well…and that kinda leaves us. So we could grab a butterbeer, or go look around, grab some supplies we're out of. No big deal." I gave him a skeptical look. "Paying separately, of course."

"Just as friends who are stuck together."

"Exactly. What do you say?"

"ok."

"Ok?"

"Yes." He beamed at me.

"Why do you have that look?"

"What? That look of complete and utter bliss?"

"Yes, that look."

"Because—completely out of context of course—you, Lily Ella Evans, just said _yes_ to go to Hogsmeade with me."

"Oh Merlin, what have I done now?"

We both got up and started walking towards to the door. He placed his arm around my shoulders, "Oh nothing, you just made only the best decision of your entire life." He wiggled his eye brows and tightened his arm around me.

I shrugged off his arm, "Don't get ahead of yourself."

"Just give me a minute to save this moment in time forever."

"Your delusional."

"Ssh, Don't ruin the moment."

I sighed as he closed his eyes to 'lock away the memory.' And once I was sure his eyes were securely shut, I grinned.

**I didn't make you wait a till Monday and I –basically—gave you a Lily/James date. What more can you ask for?!**

**(I can hear everyone going "a kiss!" ….not yet, I'm sorry.)**

**Anyways, I'm going to be out of town for the next weekend as well so I suppose I shall update this again Thursday, and if hell freezes over maybe on Wednesday.**

**Please do review. It makes my day. I'm serious. Don't be tricked by all my trips. I need reviews to make my days sunny =)**

**Love,**

**Jenna**


	26. Entry26Grumpy Quills

Entry 26

I'm eating my cereal in my bed.

You know why?

Because I can!

I love cereal. Its so crunchy, yet is soft and tastes so good and…

Yes I'm stalling.

Yes I went to Hogsmeade with him.

Yes I had a nice time. I had an amazing time.

Yes I really did have a late, hot chocolate, night rendezvous with him.

Yes, god damnit I did enjoy it!

….purely on a friend basis.

Of course. What else? Why did I even feel the need to write and clarify that?

Lets start at the beginning before I loose my mind.

*the day of Hogsmeade trip*

"Why does it take forever for girls to get ready?"

"James why are you asking me? Ask Sirius, he spends about an hour in the bathroom every morning."

"Yes, Remus, but he's not really _doing _anything, he's just staring at reflection and telling him self he's pretty." James said with a snicker.

"Damn right I'm pretty." Sirius remarked with pride.

"_eh hem. _We're ready."

James, Remus, and Sirius all turned around to face the stairs. Charlotte came out, she wore a jean skirt with an elbow length purple top and green sweater. Melanie came out in jeans and a yellow top with little flowers with a butterscotch coat. I was following them, sporting light jeans, a white knit top, and a dark blue beautiful scarf.

We looked pretty hot.

And they definitely didn't look too shabby themselves.

Not that I'd ever admit that.

We all walked to Hogsmeade in a happy group then when we got in the town, the couples went their separate ways.

Leaving James and I.

Because, as you know, we're _not_, nor never will be, a couple.

"So…" I began.

"You look very beautiful today."

"Friends, James."

"Friends can be beautiful."

"Well, then, James you look beautiful." I said as a joke.

He smirked. "Really?"

"Can we get quills first? My last good one broke the other day."

"Attempting to change the subject huh? You can run, but you cant escape!"

"Look what I've started. I was joking. Now, quills?"

"Right, right. Lets go get some _beautiful_ quills."

I shot him a look.

"What?" He asked, shrugging, "Quills are my friends too."

"Oh boy."

"And girls." He winked.

We walked over and got some supplies; which consisted of James acting out the voices of said supplies to 'make it easier for me to pick.' Apparently if you get a grumpy quill it will affect your writing.

I offered that they have potions to help his mental stability.

We then walked to the shrieking shack, but there was couple completely making out. I told him I wasn't in a mood to watch any porno's.

He shot back if I was in the mood to participate in one.

Ass hole.

We were walking mindlessly, in a comfortable silence.

"I love that song."

"What?"

"The song you were humming."

"I wasn't humming."

"Yes you were."

"No I wasn't."

"It was crimson and clover."

Damnit, that _had _been stuck in my head for the last couple of days.

"Oh, then yeah, probably."

"That was our fist slow dance." He reminded.

"You say first like there's more to come."

"Of course there will be."

I raised my brow at him. He began to defend. "I know you don't see it Lily. And I don't even know if you'll ever understand it but—"

"Please don't get heavy on me today."

"Alright, I wont. But I do love that song."

I gave him a smile, "me too."

"Before or after out dance?"

I bit my lip…should I lie? Should I tell the truth? He might take the truth badly….

"After."

We were silent again. He began to hum now. "_I don't hardly know her….but I think I could love her…"_

"_Crimson and clover_…" I finished. His hand brushed against mine.

"_Well, if she come walkin over. Now I been waitin to show her."_

_"Crimson and clover_."

"_Over and over."_ His middle and index finger grasped my lily pendant.

Apparently he believed that since he bought it, it was totally ok to kiss it and hold it in public.

"_Well my mind such a sweet thing." _I sang the next line, noticing all warm his hand was.

"_I wanna do everything." _He hand boldly slipped into mine. Intertwining his fingers.

"_What a beautiful feeling."_

He squeezed my hand. I smiled. My stomach was in a knot and I didn't know why. I looked ahead of me.

"Ice cream!"

he laughed, "mint chocolate chip with a cherry?"

I smirked, "no silly, you like chocolate with pepper sprinkles."

We stood in front of the ice cream stand, "you remembered?"

I just grinned and ordered my ice creamed.

The fat little man smiled at us, "chocolate covered waffle cone?"

"why not, he's buying." I winked at James.

"Pff, and here I thought friends bought separately." He placed his odder and we walked to a near by bench to sit, eat and talk.

"Well see I thought that if friends can call each other beautiful then you could pay."

"Hehe, you think I'm beautiful."

"Naw, I just had to say it back or it would have been impolite."

"Its alright. I know you secretly think I'm sexy."

"Yes and I'm also pining for your body." I said sarcastically.

"I knew it." I rolled my eyes at him. "Want some?" For one fleeting moment I thought he was offering me some of his body.

But no, his ice cream cone was tilted toward me.

"I don't think I'll like your pepper sprinkles."

"Oh come on Lils, take a chance."

I leaned in and took a long, deep, satisfying lick of his ice cream. The chocolate was delicious. I licked my lips to savor the taste.

BAM! My tongue was on fire! I couldn't hardly breathe!

"Water! Water!"

"I—I don't have any!"

"UG!" My tongue was out, and I was idiotically fanning it.

"eat your ice cream quick!" I shoved the damn thing on my tongue, the coldness was welcomed. I sighed as the burning sensation disappeared.

He snorted, "that was hilarious."

"ug! You bitch. That was so your fault. You didn't even warn me!"

"Just think about how you wont be cold anymore."

"I never said I was cold."

"Your hand was."

"you warmed it up."

He smiled. "I'm glad." We smiled at each other for a while. Until we had a rude interruption.

"So is _this_ what you dumped me for?"

"Jenevieve!"

I looked up at her, she truly was beautiful. She could be like Marilyn Monroe, starring on cover magazines her first shot. But man she was a bitch.

"What the hell are you talking about, we never even went out."

"You have such a great ass."

It seems that Jenevieve was drunk.

"Jenevieve I really think you should get some coffee."

"I don't want some coffee, baby I want you." It was kinda sad that she could be that toasted and not even slur her words. I'd bet she drank a lot.

"Wow James, I didn't know I'd be competing for your attention…"

"There is no completion. Jenevieve take a walk."

"I remembered how you kissed me. I remember." She said in a grave voice to James.

I raised my eye brow at that. They had just flirted huh?? Should have seen that one coming.

"You will never kiss her with that much passion. I can still taste your lips on mine." She prattled on. I had a violent urge to smack her.

"We never kissed Jenevieve. We never kissed, we never shared passion, my lips never touched your skin."

Somewhere from _deep _inside my brain, on a purely 'I want to be more than this stupid drunk dumb ass fuck' went in an annoying high pitched singing voice;

"His lips has touched my skin and not yours! Ha ha!"

But anyways, back to the story she goes all close to my face, his nose scrunches up and then something seemed to dawn on her.

"You're not pretty enough to be Charlotte!"

I don't care even if she is a drunk, skanky, idiot, that still really hurt.

My jaw dropped and James crunched his expensive chocolate waffle cone in his hand.

"Get. Away. Now."

"Whatever. I'm outa here." She stumbled away, her arms flying in every direction.

My face was still in the 'did she really just say that' pose.

Two large, warm hands took both of my cheeks. "Lily?" His thumb stroked my cheeks apple. "Lily flower you need to listen to me, ok?" I nodded. I realized that my eyes had water in them. I'd always felt like no one ever noticed me if Charlotte was around. Charlotte is so damn beautiful. And Melanie has the blonde hair blue eyes 'American cheerleader' stereotype going for her. What am I? I'm the fire crotch.

"Are you listening? You are so indescribably beautiful. You are so beautiful that when I'm secretly staring at you, sometimes it hurts. It hurts because your so beautiful that I don't know if I'll ever get to receive your love. I don't know why you'd ever choose me." He chuckled, "I guess you never have, so I'm right."

I smiled and leaned into his palm. "I don't know about that." He really perked up at this. "Think about it. I'm at Hogsmeade with you. I'm crying because of an ex. You bought me ice cream."

"I'm comforting you."

"Calling me beautiful."

"Touching you."

"Making me smile."

"Sharing intimate feelings." He smiled as he spoke.

"And am going to go buy me a butterbeer."

"I am?"

"You are. We're supposed to go meet the group in 30 mins, remember?"

"Time flies when your havin fun…"

"I bet it would if we had a bit of what Jenevieve was drinking…"I joked.

"That could be arranged."

"You still are a marauder."

"Always will be."

"Good to know."

"Except for that little rule that was absolutely stupid."

"The never wear tighty whities rule?"

"Oh my merlin! How did you know about that one!?"

"You're not the only one that's sly around here."

"Oh come on! You have to tell me now!"

"No way!"

"Why not!?"

"A girl has got to have her secrets."

"I'm pretty sure I've stalked you long enough to know them all."

"Ha! What ever."

"I'm serious." He said in confidence.

"Hmmm…did you know I've made out with a girl before?"

His mouth hung to the floor.

He gulped.

Readjusted his pants.

"That was, by far, the hottest thing you have ever said."

"Really now?"

He nodded. We walked into the pub.

"Too bad it was a lie."

"What?! That is cruel and unusual."

"I told you I could be sly."

We were the first ones there so I sat at a large booth in the corner.

"What do you want a 'honorary marauder member' button or something?"

"That's a bit over the top, a butter beer will do."

"Yes ma'am."

**Yes, yes I'm a horrible person. But I am tired, and grumpy and still have not yet packed. And I have to be leaving in less than 6 and a half hours. So I couldn't finish the Hogsmeade exposition. You'll just have to wait till next week. =)**

**And if I get more than **_**25 reviews**_** for this chapter alone by the time I get home late Monday Eastern, I will update on…are you ready….**_**TUESDAY**_**! but only if I get more than 25 reviews for this chapter. If I don't, then I'm updating on **_**SUNDAY**_**.**

**You decide, you decide.**

**Thank you so much for reading!!**

**Love,**

**Jenna**


	27. Entry27Who wants some hot chocolate?

Entry 27

So James ran off to go and get us a butterbeer, while I awaited at the table. It was the good table, the one by the fireplace so I was very warm. I tapped my foot as I waited, and watched James.

Yes. I watched James.

And no, not his face.

No, not his back.

No not his hands.

But his butt.

Yep. There I was, twirling my thumbs staring at freaking James Matthew Potters ass.

He has a nice ass. Its round yet firm. Not overly big, but perfect size for squeezing. I idly ran that through my mind…what it would feel like to grasp my hands around those buns…

And then I threw up in my mouth a little.

I seriously needed that butterbeer.

James came over with two glasses, grinning.

"I cant believe you're actually here with me and I'm buying you a drink. I really hope I don't wake up in the morning and realize this was all a dream…."

"See now that's you're problem Prongs. You're just too bloody sappy." Sirius said, clapping his hand on James' shoulder. I think his cheeks turned a little pink.

"Naw, he's just being a gentleman." Melanie defended.

"A gentleman? Never heard of it." Sirius joked.

"Prat!" Charlotte slapped his arm.

Lupin laughed, "He's just using the Potter Charm."

James put up his hands, "I had to change something. Using Padfoot's advice sure hadn't gotten me anywhere."

"I resent that, and in turn am going to buy everyone a drink and not you."

James snorted, "With what? Your good looks?"

"Exactly." He winked and got up from the table.

Once he left Melanie said she had to go to the bathroom.

"And Lily, you need to go too right?"

"No? I don't need—" She shot me a look, "oh right yes, me too." We both got up and walked to the bathroom.

As soon as the door that said 'shelas' was closed I got attacked. "Lily! Lily! Lily!"

"What? What? What?"

"He kissed me! He kissed me! He kissed me!"

I have no idea why were repeating thing three times but it seemed appropriate.

"OH MY GOD!!"

"I KNOW!"

"So…? Come on spill!"

"Well we went into that awfully pink tea store, you know the one that just opened? By the way, do not go in there unless you want to puke."

"Dully noted."

"So…we immediately went back out the door and he was so adorable, he was all nervous, and said that he didn't know where to go now, and I told that I didn't care where we went because I was with him and then he said really and I told him yes and then he took my hand and then he just _kissed_ _me_!"

Talk about a run on sentence…

"wow. Take a breath."

"I know, I'm just soooo excited!!!"

"And I'm so happy for you!"

"So does this mean that, you know, we're official?"

"I don't know, you'll have to ask him."

She blushed, "maybe once we get back to Hogwarts."

"No Mel. He just went and kissed you, on a public street, in front of everyone. I saw you two walking in, and he put his hand on the small of your back…you two are definitely getting serious."

She just about squeeled. "Ok lets go back. Or they'll think we're in here talking…"

"Not after that _subtle_ way you 'reminded' me I had to go to the bathroom."

"Great. They'll all know."

I laughed, "Hey Mel?"

"Yeah?" She said, opening the bathroom door.

"Thanks for choosing me to remind me I had to go the bathroom."

"Well I just imagined telling Charlotte in a public place that I finally had a boyfriend and I knew I had to pick you."  
"Oh jeeze that makes me feel special."

We were laughing when we sat down at the table.

"So?" Lupin said, "Are you two finished talking about me?"

Melanie flushed scarlet, "Um. We weren't…why would you say…um."

All of us at the table busted out laughing. Just then Sirius came back, with what seemed like the last of his butterbeer haul.

"All for free" He said proudly. James spiffed.

"Now you see Lily Flower at least you don't have a date that flirts with the waitress so he doesn't have to pay."

"Good point James, Charlotte if you need to cry tonight, I'll be there for you." I pretended to give comfort.

"Hey, excuse me, I was proving a point." Sirius defended.

"We all know your hot Sirius." Charlotte rolled her eyes.

"No! I'm _pretty. _Remember?"

We all were laughing when Sirius said he had a date to finish. Sirius got up and took Charlotte by the hand and laid his arm around her.

"Sirius, if you hurt her or she comes back to Hogwarts wasted—"

"Don't worry Dad I'll have her home by 11." Sirius called back to James on the way out the door.

"What about it Lily? You wanna leave these two love birds alone?"

"God, why could you and Remus left early Mel! Then James would never wanna leave Sirius alone with his Sister…."

Melanie laughed at me, and nodded to James. "She loves walks at night, I think you two should go on one."

"Is it really sad that I already knew she loved them?" James admitted.

Melanie laughed, "No, it could be thought of as really sweet….If someone didn't think about how much of a stalker you sound like…"

"Come on Lily, lets go."

We started walking towards the woods. I gave him a look.

"Don't you trust me?" He asked.

"Yes." I did? Since when?

"Then…just follow me. And if you could, just remember that we're just friends and I don't expect anything from you and all I want is to make you happy. Just don't get mad ok?"

I nodded at him and he could see from the light from his wand.

"You just want to make me happy?"

"That's all I want." He grabbed my hand, watching my face to make sure it was ok.

"Well…" I squeezed his hand tighter, "you're doing a good job."

He smiled a smile that literally looked like it hurt his cheeks.

We walked a few more minutes, just holding hands and enjoying the silence. I was starting to see some light ahead.

"What's that?"

"I don't know…" He said in a sing song voice, it was clear he knew exactly what it was.

I walked a little faster and he followed behind. In front of me stood a little table and two chairs, candles scattered the floor and table. The table had two plates with food piled a foot high and a vase full of wild flowers.

"James…." My hand went to my mouth, "This is so thoughtful."

He grinned, "I try."

"And entirely too much for a friendship. _But_…It does me exceptionally happy."

"Good then. Lets eat." He went to pull out my chair and waved his wand to get some soft music to play.

We hunkered down to eat and drink some fresh pumpkin juice.

"So Lils, what do you think you're gonna dress up for the marauder Halloween bash?"

"I don't know…Havent really thought about it to tell you the truth."

"Well, I personally think you should be a skanky version of Dorthy from the wizard of oz."

I threw a piece of my food at him. "Ass hole!"

He laughed.

"So what are you going to be James?"

He grinned, "Cant tell you yet."

"That's not cool. You cant just ask someone what they're going to be and then not answer yourself."

"Sure I can. I just did."

"Humpf."

"So did you see the news yesterday?"

"About the muggle attacks?"

"Yes."

"Yes, I did. I don't understand."

"I don't either Lils. I just hope the attacks stop soon."

"I have a feeling they wont."

"Why do you say that?"

"Muggle attacks have been going on for centuries. But never like this. This seems like its centered, like more organized or something."

"Well, lets hope not."

"Yes. Lets hope not."

"I wont let anyone hurt you."

"I know you wouldn't."

We sat in silence for a while, I tried to process his words. Somehow I completely believed him. I knew in my soul that he would protect me or die trying. His promise was definite.

"Well I had dessert too, but you already had ice cream…."

"And you thought I wouldn't want more?"

"I'll get it." He chuckled as he brought out a plate with the most delicious chocolate cake I'd ever seen.

"_yum."_ I said, licking my lips.

He laughed, and we dug in.

"So, when did you sit this thing up?"

He just kept eating his cake.

"Marauder thing?"

"I can not confirm or deny that."

"Totally was."

He grinned at me and I sighed, "We should probably go."

"Yeah we probably should." He half heartily agreed.

"We don't want the candles to burn out…" I offered.

"They're magic."

"Our friends wouldn't care."

"We could, theoretically, stay all night."

"Teachers."

"But I'm a marauder, we could get around that."

"But I'm pretty sure that friends don't have romantic dinner in candle light."

He smirked, "Romantic?"

I chose to ignore that, "Or stay out all night watching the stars."

"Then we'll look at the ground."

"Oh what a party." I said sarcastically.

"We could look at each other."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Oh? Why not?" James's curiosity peaked.

"You'd really seem like a creeper then."

"Its not my fault you're so beautiful."

"Your such a sap."

"your so stubborn."

"So lets leave."

He grabbed my hand, "I don't want to be away from you."

"James…"

"Yes Lily?"

"We need to go."

**Girls Dormitory, Hogwarts (duh) **

So we got back to Hogwarts just fine, and said our goodnights. That consisted of Sirius and Charlotte making out on the couch for a good while, Mel and Remus sneaked off to some broom closet or other blushing the whole way. I kissed James fucking Potter on the cheek.

2012 my ass, the world has already freaking ended.

So I was just in my room the girls had all gushed about their guys for a good hour. I had cleverly diverted their attention back to their night.

Once they were asleep I laid in bed thinking and writing this of course, but I couldn't stop thinking about James. I was so confused, and didn't know what to think about my behavior. I had flirted with James, I had held his hand, I had been with him all day, the majority of it alone. What was wrong with me? Was I leading him on? Was I starting to—wait no. Not even going to write it. Theres not way in hell I'd be able to fancy him.

I decided after almost an hour of attempting sleep I should go to kitchen for a nice hot drink.

I got out of bed and I didn't have enough energy to go look for my robe so I decided to just throw caution to the wind and go in my plaid pants and tank top. And if I get caught, how much could one slap on my wrist affect my perfect record?

I went threw the portrait and she muttered something about people always waking her up.

I was tickling the pear when all the sudden I heard someone behind me.

"Busted."

I turned around quickly.

"James!"

He laughed, "You should have seen your face!"

"Merlin James you scarred me to death!"

"Sorry, I saw you walking down here and thought I'd just say hello…"

"Hello."

"I like your outfit."

I looked down, "Damn it, I should have looked for my robe…" I muttered.

"No, you look good." He said it a little too convincingly so I looked down again.

I also realized that wasn't wearing a bra. "That's it, I'm going back."

'No, no, no. Here, take my hoodie if you feel uncomfortable."

"Thanks…" He shrugged it off and his shirt rode up with it. I saw a glimpse of his boxers.

I tried not to look I swear, but I couldn't. He just looked so damn good.

The only thing that sucked was that he knew it.

"Come on, Lils lets go get some hot chocolate."

"That does sound nice ."

"Yes it does." He went past me, finished tickling the pear and the door swung open. He put his hand out for me to hold, I hesitated for a moment and I didn't know why. I'd held his hand almost all day today.

I took it and we walked inside to the hustle of the house elves

"What may we get Mr. Potter and his lovely?" A squeaky little elf asked.

"Two hot chocolates please."

She ran off to get them and James nodded to a small table by the fire "Come on my lovely."

"Oh god, don't call me."

"Because you'd miss me calling you Lily Flower?"

I didn't say anything.

Our hot chocolate arrived and James smiled, "Lets play a game."

"Uh oh."

"Not an uh oh. The game where I say a word and you say the first thing that pops in your mind."

"Alright…"

"Um…color?"

"Purple."

"Love?"

"Hurt." He gave me a look. I shrugged.

"Music?"

"The Beatles."

"Dancing?"

"Crimson and Clover." He flashed me a big grin. I couldn't help but think how devilishly charming he was.

"Hands?"

"Touching."

"Movies?"

"Marilyn Monroe."

"Your parents?"

"Miss them."

"Sky?"

"Stars"

"Mirrors?"

"Uh…bad hair days?" His eye brow went down.

"Fans?"

"Lights."

"Charlotte?"

"Crazy."

"Melanie?"

"Shy."

"Sirius?"

"Play boy."

"Library?"

"Books."

"Me?"

"Loyal."

"Is that good?"

I nodded, "I just have one word for you James."

"What is it?"

"Me?" I said, looking up at him over my mug of steaming hot coco.

"Forever."

"That's a long time James." I sipped my coco, disbelieving.

He reached over the table to grab my hand, "It isn't long enough."

**For some reason beyond me I was extremely sappy today. I hope you enjoyed it! =)**

**Now last chapter I got about 35 reviews, which is awesome! Thanks so much! *happy dance* Now I thought that if I got over 25 I'd update today of course and then update next Tuesday or so.**

_**But if I get 40 reviews, **_**just a measly 5 more reviews than last chapter…you get an _update on Sunday_ ****as well!**

**Again, its all up to you!**

**Thanks for reading my little baby and see you either Sunday or next Tuesday (oh my goodness that's my birthday!)**

**Love,**

**Jenna**


	28. Entry28Halloween Bash

Entry 28

"Alright listen up all you ladies and gents. The Marauder annual Halloween Bash is moved up to this weekend, so think quick and get that costume cuz I think the Gryffindor tower needs a party!" Sirius's voice rang through the common room, followed by a round of approving clapping. "Spread the word, and remember men; do your _damndest _to get the girls in the 'right' kind of costume. We don't want any half dressed women running around!" He winked, got off the table top and kissed Charlotte.

I don't know how she put up with him.

"So love, have you decided what you're going to wear?" James said, coming up to me and stealing my homework out of my hands.

"Give it back!"

"Not till you tell me!" He taunted, holding it just high enough that I couldn't reach.

"Charlotte, your brothers being a prick!"

She didn't even bother to look over, "So what else is new?"

I sighed. "James." I held out my hand.

He caved and handed it back. "I guess I'll just be surprised then…"

"I guess so. Now go away."

"Jeeze, Miss Grumpy. And to think, I was going to tell you what I was going to be…"

"Like I would care." He walked off, shrugging.

Now I'm about to scream. I'm laying in bed trying not to think about what he's going to be. Why does he do that? Taunt me. Ha. Like I even care. Pff. No way.

***Prepping time before the Bash***

"Lily come out of the damn bathroom! I gotta pee!"

"Charlotte just hold on damnit!" I was freaking out. I looked like a whore.

Have you ever noticed that I always tend to look like whores at parties?

You wanna know why that is?

I let Charlotte pick out my clothing!

Not very smart, but when I see guys eyes glued to me, its all worth it.

Not that they'd look at me with say Charlotte in the room.

Or Jenevieve.

Or Katherine Franks.

Buts Katherine's in Slytherin and Charlottes taken. And everyone knows Jenevieve just a whore. At least anyone who matters.

Leaving _moi_ to soak up all the attention.

I gave myself one last up and down and left the bathroom.

"Wow." Melanie said.

"Damn Lily. Were you _trying_ to look like you want some?"

"Charlotte!" I went to slap her arm, but she dodged it at the last moment.

"Ladies….." Charlotte said and Mel and I nodded. We put our hands together and said our vow.

"_Tonight if you shall get shit faced,_

_In no way shall you be disgraced,_

_I promise to pull you off any men,_

_If you get out of hand._

_No dancing on table tops,_

_or more than 7 shots,_

_Partiers at night_

_Friends for life."_

We all busted out laughing and started to walk out the door.

It was gonna be a good night.

***the party***

_**//flashback//**_

Once we got downstairs McGonagall was already giving her speech.

"Now," Her strict voice carried to us on the stairway, "You've already had your feast, and your celebration, so I want you all to keep the noise level down. If Horus knows that I let you all party like animals—"

"Animals? Minerva, please, I'm not an animal." Sirius said.

"Black if you know what is good for you and your party, you will never refer to me as Minerva again."

"Mini?" He suggested. She turned her head towards him, her lips in a thin tight line.

"Sirius Black I swear—"

"McGonagall…we wont be _too_ loud, we wont party _too_ hard, we wont stay up _too_ late, and we wont drink _too_ much," She gave him a dangerous look so he quickly followed his sentence with a "punch. Drink too much _punch_. Really, don't worry. We're all good little Angels here. Look theres Evans. You know she wont let the party get too out of hand since James is here."

You could tell she was fighting a smile when she left that night, with one last threat to everyone. "200 points if I find out there was an ounce of fire whiskey."

Once the door shut, Sirius stood up on the table again, "At 11 I want all the little kiddies to go to bed. That includes 3th years and down. Sorry. Now lets get this party started!"

At 11, as promised, the 'little kiddies' went to be and the rest were there to start the real party.

"Wish we didn't have to invite those little ones. The party could have started at 11 and then I could have taken a nap…" Tim Jones said, a 5th year.

Sirius walked by, "Buck up, mate. Take a swig of this and you'll be just fine." I looked at Sirius.

"Did you not McGonagall?? You just gave him fire—"

"Punch. I gave the bloke punch. Its my special little recipe."

"Does one of those special ingredients happen to be Fire whiskey?" He grinned and walked away.

I heard a low whistle behind me.

"You're going to kill me one of these days, Lily Flower,"

Despite myself I smirked. This Halloween I was a Vela.

Hear my evil laugh?

I turned around to face him, "You like?"

"I'm about to tell you I secretly rule the world."

"Well I already know you're filthy rich."

"And yet, you still reject me."

"Well, I'm waiting for the guy who rules the world."

"Right, Right."

"Then again, James Bond wouldn't be _that_ bad of a trade off."

He smiled, since this was his costume. "He always gets the girl."

"Well he's never met a vela has he?"

He looked straight at me, his look gave me chills. "Not one like you." He leaned in closer to me, his face buried in my hair, "Not one that made me feel like this." His arms looped around my waist, "One that takes over my world."

I felt light headed, like I could faint right there.

I don't know what's wrong with me. How can he affecting me like this?

_Why _is he affecting me like this?

He pulled back and I wobbled, "Are you alright?" He held my cheek, searching my eyes for the answer.

I mumbled a yes.

He chuckled and put his arm around me, "Lets get something to drink."

I half way smiled, "Shaken, not stirred."

"Exactly."

*****around 1 am*****

I was talking to Melanie about one of the pumpkin pastries. We were discussing if we could fit another one into our stomachs without puking.

It turns out that Sirius hadn't put whiskey into both punch bowls. The other one had a cheerful potion in it.

No wonder he's parties were always a hit.

Sirius once again stood up one the table, with Charlotte.

"Alright everyone. I've decided that by now, everyone is either completely wasted, or extremely happy. Either way, everyone is feelin good. So now its time for _the hat." _

Everyone started whispering possibilities of what the hat could be. Sirius pick up a black hat from the table and started to explain, "Now heres how to play the game. I'm going to pass the hat around and every one is going to write down who they thought had the sexiest costume and pulled it off."

Everyone started writing. Sirius definitely was going to be, at least, a runner up. He came as a vampire. In a red tuxedo with tails (merlin knows where he got that) and a black cape. His hair was crazy and his plump lips were blood red. I'm pretty sure every girl was jealous of Charlotte when she got to kiss them.

James didn't look Shabby either. As James Bond, he wore a classic tuxedo, Italian shoes, and for the first time he's hair was slick back and neat.

He looked fucking hot.

There were a couple other guys of course who looked good, but I just couldn't seem to get my eyes to leave James's ass in those expensive trousers…

Ah hem, anyways, Sirius got back the hat and he announced we'd get back to that later. Now it was time to turn the music up and dance.

I am very ashamed to write that I grinded.

I grinded with James Potter.

I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

We were just normally dancing to the beat, our hands were attached but that was it. Then he twirled me around and pulled me up to him, my back to his front. And something just took me over. I pushed back on him and shook my hips to the left. His arm tightened around my waist "Lily." He said it in almost a warning tone. I didn't really acknowledge him. I just shook my hips to the right with the music. His hands, very hesitantly moved to my hips, but they seemed undecided on whether they were going to pull my hips away or push them done harder. I put my hands on his and chose the ladder. That was the end of his fight. He took my hips and began to move his along with mine and the music. Making a delicious rhythm.

After one song I stopped the madness, but god damn it felt good. I swear I didn't want to stop. Now I know he couldn't be a virgin because no one knows how to move their hips like that and be a virgin. Its impossible. I personally don't know how he wasn't hard as a rock, because even _I_ was turned on.

Once the song was over, I stopped, turned around. Completely horrified at my actions. Looked at him and walked off the little dance floor.

"Lily!"

I went and hid on the stair case to think for a moment.

Why did I do that? Why have I been acting like that lately? I don't like him do I? I couldn't deny that I wasn't physically attracted to him. And I couldn't deny that he had changed. And if I forgot who he was and all our history, I would fancy him. If I looked strictly at his personality. Who he _is_, not who he _was_. Could I let go of my old feelings?

Hadn't I already?

"Lil?" I looked up, and there was James. "Look, I'm really sorry, I should have stopped that, I just, I couldn't—"

I put my hand up on his shoulder. "That one was me James." He looked confused and elated. "And I'm not sorry." I leaned a little closer to him.

"Lily." He whispered, coming in closer to me. I nodded at him. He took my face in my hand. "You didn't have any fire whiskey did you?" I laughed softly and shook my head no.

"I'm completely sober."

He grasped both my cheeks, "Thank god." He leaned in the last inch and our lips brushed together quickly. I heard him sigh in bliss and he came back again. This time harder. Bruising my lips with his force. I couldn't get enough. I wanted more. I twisted my hands in his hair in an attempt to get him closer. His lips moved fast against mine. His tongue begged for the entrance I craved. We both moaned at contact. He searched my mouth, determined to memorize every crevasse. My hands dug into his scalp. His hand on my cheek slid down to my neck. He touch burned my skin. I was on fire. I couldn't think; I didn't want to. All I wanted was him closer. He pulled back and we both took a deep gulp of air, only for me to pull him closer, now entering his mouth. He groaned loudly as I tasted him for the first time. Our tongues dueled for power. My hands were grasping his face, growing hotter by the second.

We finally had to pull away for air. Our foreheads were pressed together as we panted, our chests falling and rising with each breath.

"James." I whispered.

"Wait, not yet." He leaned in and gave three sweat butterfly kisses on my lips. They were soft and gentle, they made my heart ache as my mind went into overdrive. Fantasies of him kissing every part of my body like that had me about to combust.

"Lily, please, please, _please_, don't regret that."

I shook my head, looking into his eyes. Our hands were still grasping each others faces and necks, foreheads together.

"I wont."

"You promise?"

I kissed him, lightly, hesitantly, "Promise."

It was strange to be kissing him. It was weird that was I, if I really thought about it. But right then, when we were close and we were kissing, I'd never felt like anything else in the world was righter.

"You have no idea how happy I am." He confessed, with a smile that lighted up our dark staircase.

I smiled back, "We should get back to the party."

He nodded and helped me up with offering a hand. I took it, and he didn't let go.

"Perfect timing mate! We're about to announce the winners of our sexy costume contest. Though, it looks like you two already got your sexy on…" He winked, and I blushed scarlet. My poor blonde wig, it will probably have to be thrown out.

"So the winner for the men is….." He looked at the tally board. "What?! Theres no way he looks sexier than me!" Everyone laughed, "Fine, fine, let the 'way less sexier' James Bond approach." James looked down at me, kissed me, in front of everyone, and jumped up on the table next to Sirius.

There was a collection of gasps.

Melanie and Charlotte gave me a look that clearly read, "I want details don't you dare miss a second!"

Sirius stared at James. "I was just kidding! You two! Finally! Holy shit! About bloody time!"

"Shut up Sirius. Now what did I win?"

"The sexiest girl costume is…." He looked at the tally. "Oh this wont go over well….Um, the skanky Dorothy from the wizard of Oz…."

None other than Jenevieve walked up.

She went to stand on the table.

She sure got 'skanky' down.

She wore braided pig tails high. Her blue and white dress ended right after her ass ended. Her ruby red shoes were 4 inch stilettos.

What a whore.

She went up to James and cuddled up, "hey sexy." She greeted.

He looked repulsed.

"Um you two get one of this," He pulled out two flasks with pin up girls on them, "And you two get to dance…"

"Sex Machine" By James Brown came on.

"You've got to be joking…" I mumbled.

****around 3 am****

"Alright everyone, this is right when it turns from 'not too late' to 'late' so everyone grab your shit and get to bed." Sirius pronounced.

People laughed and started heading up the staircase, I stayed with James for a moment.

"We'll talk about it tomorrow, alright Lils?"

"Your not going to ask me to Hogsmeade?" I smirked.

He took my hand, "I want to make sure we're both sober and there's no possibility I'm dreaming this."

"You're such a sap." I smiled.

"Yep, but now, I'm _your _sap."

"I thought we were discussing this tomorrow."

"Right." He walked me to the girls staircase, "Well goodnight, Lily Flower."

"Good night James." He leaned in and gave me a chaste good night kiss.

He smirked, "See? James Bond always gets the girl."

"_Scourgify!" _Sirius yelled in the back ground.

"Goodnight Sirus!" I yelled, going up the staircase.

"James, get your ass over here and help me fix this armchair. Some idiot broke it."

I looked back once and James was one his knee looking at the chair. He looked up at me, smiled and winked.

Damn, he was gorgeous.

I smiled and walked into my dormitory.

I expected for the girls to be ready to pounce on me the moment I stepped through the door. But they were sitting on my bed, with serious looks on their faces.

"Lily…."

"What?"

"You have a letter from Petunia."

"Petunia? Like my _sister_ Petunia?"

"And you have a note from Dumbledore. It says that you need to report to his office first thing in the morning. With a close friend." Melanie said softly.

"W-why?"

**And the plot thickens!**

**The kiss? Did you like it? Tell me!**

**Before anyone asks no, they are not together yet.**

**Please review! Come on guys its my birthday!**

**Love,**

**Jenna**


	29. Entry29Why?

Entry 29

"W-why?"

"I-I don't know, but it says to not open any mail or new papers until you speak with Dumbledore."

I sat on the bed. "Something bad has happened, hasn't it?"

Melanie started rubbing my back, "We don't know that for sure…."

Charlotte said that we should all go to bed so we can get up earlier to find out.

The dread in my stomach rose.

**the next day**

It was the worst nights sleep in my entire life. I think I maybe got in an hour of sleep. I kept staring at the letter from Petunia. I wanted to read it. I wanted to know. If only Dumbledore had known about the big Halloween party and that I would have been awake at 3 in the morning, he could have just sent one later.

By 6 am I could not wait any longer. I pulled on jeans and a tee shirt. I had to bring a close friend. I knew that if I attempted to get Charlotte up right now she would attempt to kill me. So I pulled Melanie out of bed. She mumbled a little but then snapped into gear.

I almost sprinted to Dumbledore office.

"Kit Kat." I said for the password.

"Muggle?" Melanie questioned. I could barely nod my head yes. My stomach was churning. I almost couldn't breathe. I stepped into his office, idly wondering if I would have to go and wake him up.

But no, he was sitting at his desk. He looked completely exhausted. His eyes were red, his white hair hurriedly thrown in a long train behind him. He looked at me and gave me a small smile.

"I half expected you to come when I sent the note."

"I um…was asleep."

"Not at the Marauder Ball?" his twinkle was back in his eyes for a moment.

"Oh, um…"

"It's alright, I'm the one who convinces Minerva to let them throw it."

"Why am I here?" I said outright, in a disrespectful tone.

"You should sit down." I sat down, my hands were shaking.

"Lily, last night Voldemort attacked again." I nodded. Why would he make me come up here to tell me that?

"He attacked 23 non magic people." Again, that's horrible, but why would he send me up here to tell me this?

"I fought back with him tonight, before more damage could be done. But he did get away." Why would Petunia write me a letter? Why couldn't I read a newspaper?

"He is becoming stronger as the days pass by, but I have begun to take measures against him…."

You could tell that he was beginning to talk to himself not to us, his exhaustion weighing on him.

"Dumbledore." Melanie said with causation.

"Right, I apologize." He said up a little and reached across the table to my shaking hands.

"Lily, out of those 23 people that died last night, there were many brave ones. Good people who deserved to be honored and always remembered."

My parents.

"Are my parents ok?" I said desperately. Why hadn't I thought of that before?

"Your parents Lily—" His eyes filled with tears. "They were one of the brave last night."

My world fell.

"W-what? No, they…they're….no, no, Dumbledore you got it wrong!"

"I'm so sorry Lily."

"My parents are ok! I saw them 3 months ago! They—they can be. You liar!"

"No, Lily, I'm sorry. Your parents are gone. A death Eater murdered them in front of my own eyes. I tried to stop them, I did. But no one has ever stopped the killing curse…" His rambling swam over me in both our exhaustion. I curled up in a little ball, sobbing hysterically. My thoughts were a whirlwind. They couldn't be dead.

My dad, my dad bought me all my Barbie dolls when I was little. Who worked all his life to let me be able to do anything I wanted. Who took me big girl clothes shopping when I turned 'a whole hand.'

My mum. The woman who nursed me back to health when I was sick, or let me play hooky when I was faking it. Who made me write home about James and always asked if he had charmed yet. Who forced me to go shopping. My mum.

Another sob broke out when I remembered all the times I had yelled at them. Or I wished them to go away. I wanted them to come out of the fireplace and hug me. Tell me if was all some joke. Sobs ripped through me like hurricanes, threatening to take me over.

"Lily…honey…" Melanies' warm hands took mine. "You love your parents. And if you love them, they never truly leave you. Love is all that matters. And Voldemort will pay for what he has done, but right now you must accept what has happened and grieve."

I nodded, still sobbing. I didn't think I would ever stop.

Dumbledore offered, "You may go to the hospital wing if you would like, or go back to your dormitory. Whatever you prefer. You, of course, has as much time off of school as you wish. I believe your Sister has written you. She told me she was going to taking care of all the…funeral….arrangements. You of course can have all the time you need to go back home to attend that, along with friends if you need them, and to go through the home. I truly am sorry Lily."

My sobs never stopped.

I somehow made it back to my dormitory.

***sometime later that night***

I had not gotten from the bed yet. I assume Melanie has told Charlotte. They both brought up breakfast and lunch for me. So I suppose breakfast is not done with yet.

I haven't stopped crying yet. Every time I catch a breath, another memory hits me and I start sobbing all over again. My parents were such good people. How am I going to live? Whose going to pay for Hogwarts? Where will I go on summer holiday? Why them? Why? Why? Why?

***sometime later then the last entry***

I opened fucking Petunias' letter.

Fuck her.

Her I'll copy the fucking thing down for you.

_Dear Lily,_

_I assumed you know by now. Our parents are dead. Do you know why they're dead? Because of you. You and your stupid, filthy, magic. I hate you. I blame you._

_The funeral will be November 3. I expect you to be there, then to come to the house so we can take our half's. Not that you deserve any of there things. After November 3, I never want to see you again. Don't ever talk to me, write to me, look at me._

_I am to go move in with Vermin, he has proposed. I don't care where you go, just don't ever come to me._

_You are no longer my sister, you are just a freak._

_-Petunia._

***sometime during dinner***

I was pacing in my room, folding clothes. I don't know why I was folding clothes. But it was something to do with my hands.

There was a knock on the door. I mumbled a 'come in.'

"I brought you dinner." Said a manly voice.

I turned around quickly, "James! How did you—"

"I'm a marauder Lily." He sat down a tray of what looked like comfort food. I looked like hell, I was surprised he didn't take off running and screaming. But instead he came towards me and enveloped me, squeezing me hard in a hug." His scent burned into me.

"James…"I began to sob again. I couldn't stop. All I did was grab on to him, desperately. And he held back just as tight. This is what I needed. I needed to be held as I sobbed. He rubbed my back and whispered sweet nothings into my ear. When I had finally stopped sobbing, god knows how long he had been holding me, he kissed my forehead. I looked up at him and saw tears running down his face as well. He grabbed both my cheeks in a hard grasp and whispered in a husky tone fill with emotion. "I am so sorry Lily."

I tried hard not to start crying again and sat on the bed, looking at the food. He sat next to me. He saw Petunias letter. "You can read it."

He read while I started to pick at the mashed potatoes. When he was done, his hands turned into fists, and his breathing became elaborated. "Lily look at me."

I looked up at his hazel eyes.

"It was _not _your fault. You are _not _a freak. You do _not _need her. And you will _never _be alone. You are my Lily Flower."

I began crying all over again.

Somehow we ended up laying on my bed, face to face, holding each other.

My head was resting on his arm, his other hand on my waist. My hands rested on his chest. He was so warm and his scent smelt just like home. I was for the first time in 24 hours, resting and peaceful.

"Will you go with me to the…" I couldn't say funeral, so instead, "on November 3rd?" His hand on my waist moved to my face as he answered.

"Of course I will. Do you want Charlotte and Melanie to come too?" I nodded.

"I don't know how I'm supposed to handle this. I-I cant…I just—" Sobs started to choke me again.

"Sshhh, love. Charlotte and Melanie and me will be there to help you as much as we can. If you want the rest of the marauders to come too they will."

I nodded again, snuggling closer.

I noticed he had a watch and for the first time that day I saw what time it was.

"Its nine o'clock!" He smiled and nodded. "But, where is everyone?"

"I told them to let me have some alone time with you."

"How did you get up here?"

"I talked to Dumbledore."

I snuggled in closer. "Thanks."

"For what?" He tucked my head under his chin. It felt so good to be held.

"For being here."

"Of course I'm here." He leaned in closer, kissing my head. "I love you, Lily. You know that, right? Whatever you need, whenever you need it. I'm here. Even if you never love me back. I'm yours."

"I-I cant, right now, I'm—"

"Take as long as you need. Just know that I'm not going anywhere." He took my hand and kissed my palm. "Try to sleep now, love."

"Ok…." My eyes began to shut. I yawned into his shirt. I fell asleep almost immediately.

I vaguely remember, what could have been hours later, him leaving my arms. He tucked me under the comforter and kissed my forehead whispering his love as he stroked my cheek.

"Stay."

"What?"

I reached my hand toward him and he grasped it. "Please?"

He groaned in frustration, "Lily I want to so badly but…"

"You said whatever I need, whenever I need it, and I need you to hold me tonight." I said looking up at him through my eye lashes. Tears threatening to fall once more.

"Lils—"

"You're a marauder you can get away with it."

"Ok, just let me go downstairs and tell Sirius to cover for me, and I'll be back to hold you."

"Alright…" I closed my eyes again, my fatigue drowning me into sleep.

I awoke to feeling two arms wrap around my body. My back was to James, we were spooning.

He butterfly kissed my neck, speaking into my skin, "Goodnight my Lily Flower."

**Thank you for reading! This story is about to take some crazy twists, ones that I've been wanting to write for a while. **

**Review =)**

**Love,**

**Jenna**


	30. Entry30A foggy day

Entry 30

**(songs I suggest listening to while reading: A foggy day by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong. Let it be, by the beatles. And lastly I found a reason by Cat power.)**

_November 1__st_

I don't think I've stopped crying.

I don't know if I can.

_November 2__nd_

I was packing for the trip tomorrow when I heard my door open.

"Yes, Charlotte, I remembered my underwear." I said irritably.

"Good to know." I heard James say under his stifled laughter.

"Oh. Hi."

"Hello." He walked to me, I hadn't seen him in a long time. I realized that I missed him when he touched me. His touch awoke something in me that I didn't even realize I missed. I looked at him, almost meeting his eyes. His hands held my arms, bringing me closer. I broke down again. I couldn't breathe. My hand covered my mouth, sobs over taking my body. "James….I cant—I cant stop thinking of them…" He wrapped his arms around me. "So many memories." I held onto his shirt, gripping it so hard, my knuckles screamed. But the pain was welcomed.

"James—I'm packing for my—" Another sob ripped threw me, and I knew he was struggling to hear me under all the sobs. "I'm packing for my parents _funeral_!" I broke down completely, then. Words no longer able to be voiced.

James just held me, rubbing my back. When I calmed down again he began to speak to me, "Remember all those memories Lily. Embrace them. Don't ever forget them. Hold them close. Later your going to want them. Its alright to talk about them. It will help, I promise."

I looked up at him, tears were streaking down his face. "Tell me about them, love."

"My mom used to sing me asleep every night. Until I came to Hogwarts. She had such a beautiful voice." My voice cracked on the last sentence. I didn't think I could go on. I didn't think I could talk about her without collapsing in sobs again.

But James took my hands and led me to the bed. He held me, and encouraged me to continue.

"My father loved to watch mysteries, and one night I found him in the living room watching a black and white mystery movie. He let me sit on his lap and we watched it together. Mom didn't like him staying up too late so we were real quiet and it was our little secret. After that every Saturday night for years we'd just sit there and watch movies." I watched him smile at me, "And now I'm never going to have another Saturday movie night." I began tearing up again, shaking my head. I was never going to have that again. I was never going to have another chance to hug my dad. To tell him I love him.

"Its alright love, tell me another memory."

And so we sat. I told him every memory of my parents that I could remember; until I fell asleep, curled up next to his warmth.

_November 3_

James, Charlotte and I flooed over to my house. The rest were helping with arrangements and such. I walked out of the fireplace, James was standing in front of me.

"Lily, go back and floo to my house!"

"What? No, I have to come here and talk to Pet—"

"Lily now." I pushed passed him as Charlotte arrived.

I gasped.

The house was completely trashed. Parts of the walls were missing. The furniture was flipped upside down, some pieces utterly ruined.

"Oh my Merlin…" Charlotte said, taking my hand. "Come on Lily, lets go to my house…."

"No. No. I need to, I need to clean this up before Petunia gets here…"

"I'll do it love, don't wor—"

"Lils there's a note for you." Charlotte said.

_Lily,_

_I expect you to clean this, considering it was one of your freaks who did the damage. I have put a post-it-note on everything I want. Fix it and leave it for me. I'm selling the house, so take whatever you want now before its gone. It starts at 3."._

_-Petunia_

"How—How can she still be that cold, when she sees the house like this?" I asked.

"I don't know, Lils, I don't know."

"One of _my freaks!?_ What does she think I did?! Does she think I went and what? Put a hit on my own parents!? Just to spite her?!" I was loosing it. I was so angry. So incredibly pissed off that I could hardly breathe. "She is my big sister! We're supposed to be together, grieving together, trying to hold each other together! Not tear me apart!" I started crying again, "Stupid tears!" I angrily whipped the tears away.

"Lily, honey, you need to calm down ok? We will get through this." Charlotte said.

"Yeah. Lets problem solve." James said smoothly. "Ok, Charlotte can you go get Remus and Sirius, they can . Charlotte take Lily and get her some hot tea or something. Just try to calm her, and I can take care of everything else."

I was leaning against a living room wall, or what was left of it anyway. Charlotte left to go to her home to get Remus and Sirius. James came to me, and hugged me tightly. "it will be ok Lils. You have people all around you who love you and will take care of everything." I held onto him for a moment. I snuggled into his shirt, inhaling his scent. "I love you Lily."

I started to cry again.

"Lils? Are you ready to go to the café?" Charlotte said a few moments later. I pulled back from James.

"Are you sure you two can take care of this?" I looked at Sirius and Remus.

"We don't have the French maids outfit, but we can get the job done." Sirius half way joked.

"Don't worry Lily." Remus said.

"Come on," Charlotte and I walked out the door, I attempted to breathe.

***2:45***

I had just arrived at the funeral home.

I felt a lot better after some hot tea and a pastry. I loved pastries.

"You ready to go in?" Charlotte whispered to me. I nodded and she walked me in. James was lighting candles around the room while Melanie was placing a full vase of flowers next to a framed picture of my parents. It, of course, was a muggle painting so it was still. My fathers arms were wrapped around my mother, a warm smile on both their faces. They were younger in the picture, bright and happy.

Then I saw the caskets. They were just laying there, it looked like they were just asleep. Like when I was little and sneak into their bed at night when a thunder storm had scarred me. Then it hit me all over again. I would never have my parents to run to if I was scarred. I was completely by myself now. I began crying. Charlottes hand grasped mine.

"You are not alone Lily. You have me."

I covered my mouth in an attempt not to cry more, I nodded to her. my body couldn't stop shaking.

"Lils." James said coming to sit next to me. "Look at me." I looked up at him, my emerald eyes swarming with tears. "You are not alone. You have me too."

"And me." Remus stood in front of me.

"And me." Melanie said, squeezing my shoulder.

"You have all of us." Sirius said.

"Here comes Peter with your sister. I told him to bring her side in so he can seat her away from you." Melanie explained.

"And I know you have him too." James said to me, his hand now grasping my other one.

"Thank you." I said to everyone.

James kissed my cheek, taking a tear with his lips, "No need, love, no need."

Guest began to arrive and music began to sit and I told Melanie to go put the record on that I had brought.

It was a Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong record that my parents had used so often you almost had to place a penny on the arm of the record player to get it in the worn down groves.

"A foggy Day" filled the room. People who knew my parents would appreciate this song. It was my parents song. I remember them dancing in the living room to this. Petunia and I would sit on the stairs and watch them laugh and dance through the stair railings. We'd sit there and talk about how we'd always be a family.

Once everyone was seated, Melanie, Charlotte, and the marauders all around me in the front. Friends of my parents littered the audience. Petunia and her pig like husband Vernon –or as I like to call him, Vermin—anyhoo, they sat on the other side of the row.

She didn't have any friends with her.

Shocker.

The priest came out and said some shit, I honestly don't remember what. Probably some hoopla about how my parents were amazing people, and god rest their souls.

I was trying not to loose control of my body and fall into sobs.

"Now we may all say our goodbyes." I watched everyone walk to my parents, waiting until everyone was done. Petunia didn't want to go up there in front of everyone and show emotion. But I could tell by her frown and the way her right eye was held tightly she was about to break down.

I walked slowly to the caskets. I knew James and Charlotte were only 2 feet from me, so I felt a little better. I saw that moms bangs were displaced. So I reached to fix them. She was so cold.

"Hi mum." I barely whispered. Sobs threatened to rip out of me. "Hi daddy."

A sob got loose but I pulled back the rest. "I never told you I loved you enough. I don't know if I ever could. You two were the best parents someone could ever have, and I'll always cherish that. Thank you. I don't know what's going to happen to me now." Tear fell from my face as I started to wobble. I felt like the world was closing in on me. "I'm going to miss you." I stared at my parents. I had my fathers chin. Mom had always said that and I'd never seen it. But I could see it now. The clearly defined jaw and the small, tiny, dimple that never left its mold. I reached out and touched it.

"Goodbye daddy."

I looked at my mother. I had my mothers eyes. The same almond, emerald eyes.

"I love you mommy."

I turned then and knew I couldn't look back.

"Let it be" came on as I walked to the altar to say a few words.

"My parents were good people, great people. They were selfless when it came to my sister and me. I was blessed to have such parents. Now I realize that. I realize all the times I stood there trying to get out of vacuuming, I should have cherished them. My parents are gone, but my memories are not. They will live forever in my memory. I will never forget them. I have my fathers chin, and my mothers eyes. my sister has my fathers stubbornness and reasoning, my mothers smarts. Our parents were taken from us. But they did not die in vain. I wont let them."

****5 o'clock****

I flooed back home, the house was now perfectly put back together. Half of the things gone.

"James?"

"No, its Sev."

"What the hell are you doing here?"

He stepped out of the fireplace, "I just wanted to say my condolences."

"Oh because I haven't heard that word enough today."

"I'm so sorry Lily."

"Or that one."

"Lily!" He grabbed my arm, pulling me towards him. "I miss you."

"James!" I screamed. I idly wondered if he could hear me.

"What, are you dating that prat now?"

"He is here for me more than you ever were."

"Well he's not here now, is he?"

"Severus, please leave."

"I want to be with you."

"Too late."

"Lils—"

"Oh? No 'mudblood' this time?"

"I told you that was a mistake!"

"You bet it was. Today was my parents _funeral_. I don't need this bull shit from you. Please leave."

"No."

"Leave!"

"I wont let you go!" He grabbed my forearms, "I love you!"

Then James grabbed him by his neck and threw him against the wall.

"Get the hell out of here. Now." Severus roughly pushed James off him and stepped into the fireplace.

I collapsed on against the wall.

James came over and held me, "Shhh."

"How did he even get here?"

"Dumbledore has been here since 2. He came by to clean your house and to pay his respects, I guess Snape took his chances and sunk out."

"Today was horrible."

"I know."

I looked at him, tears in my eyes again, "Where am I going to go?"

"When love?" His thumb rubbing my shoulder in a smoothing way.

"when I'm supposed to go home."

"You'll come to my house."

"I cant spend my summer staring at my old house, remembering the last time I saw my parents."

"We'll move."

"You cant just move James."

"We could if you needed us to. Lils, you're a part of my family. Even if nothing ever happens between us, your like my Sirius to Charlotte." It took me a minute but then I understood the analogy.

"And if you didn't want to deal with me, I'm sure you could go to Melanies. But just know, I'll—I mean we'll take care of you."

"I know you would take of me."

He kissed the top of my head, "As long as you'll let me."

He got out his wand and turned on the record player. A smooth piano piece came on with a jazzy voice as a compliment came on.

"I think I'm sitting on something."

James gave me a look. I reached under me and pulled out an envelope.

_Lily,_

_Thank you for cleaning up. I left things that looked more like you. _

_This is moms broach that I know we both loved. I think it would look better on you._

_Thank you for saying what you did at the funeral. _

_Love,_

_Petunia._

I pulled out the broach of my mothers. It was a beautiful white calla lily with a pink petunia wrapped together. I turned it over, and inscribed on the back was written "my beautiful girls."

"She said 'Love, Petunia'."

James and I sat there, his arm around me, my head resting on his shoulder for I don't know how long. We sat there and starred at the few pieces of furniture left, tears streaking my face. My hand grasping onto the two flowers.

**Well I'm going to go eat some ice cream because I'm depressed after writing this.**

**Please tell me what you think, I would really appreciate it.**

**Soooo sorry, it was late. I was just really procrastinating. I really didn't want to write to write this chapter.**

**Love,**

**Jenna**


	31. Entry31Peacocks

Entry 31

I don't know how I got home, but I did. I woke up to light shinning in my eyes. It was an odd feeling. The warmth of the sun, that is. It made me feel alive. I slowly tried to wake up my body. My right arm was asleep, and my left hand was on something. I tried to move my fingers a little. It was on cloth. Ok it was on a pillow, but the pillow was hard. Like _really_ hard, it couldn't have been a pillow. Wait! My head is on the same hard thing, what is that? Am I on a floor? What the hell?

I slowly opened my eyes.

Of course, I was on James.

Literally _on_ him. My right leg was hitched on his hip, my left leg was intangled with his. Most of my torso was on his, my head and my right arm and hand included.

In fact if my left hand hadn't been asleep, I bet it too would have been on him.

"Good morning beautiful."

"Where am I?"

"The boys dormitory."

"How did I get here?"

"I carried you here."

"You carried me here?

He smiled, "Your very light." At which I snorted, "You are, so you should eat. Do you want your favorite strawberry pastry?"

My eyes widened. He laughed and struggled to move to his nightstand from my death hold on him. Which I hadn't released quite yet. I'm blaming my asleep arm.

Yes, I know that had nothing to do with it, but it was an excuse.

I began to eat my pastry, finally detangling from him.

"You can there if your comfortable."

"My arm was asleep." Wow, this excuse comes in handy.

"Right," He poured some pumpkin juice for us, handing me a goblet. "Lily…"

"James we need to talk about this." I waved a hand in between us.

"I know. I'm really sorry I brought you up here but everyone had already left and you had fallen asleep and I didn't want to wake you because I knew you were having trouble sleeping, and I'm not going to lie I wanted to keep an eye on you. I know it was a horrible day for you and I wasn't sure how you were going to react—" He said this a mile a minute.

"James, ssh, that's not what I'm talking about."

"Oh." He laughed, and his hand went to mess up his hair.

I put my hand on his forearm, "I cant do this now. I cant be with you right now."

"As in, right this moment?"

"No I mean, I cant handle being in a relationship right now, you can understand cant you?" He nodded, though he looked crestfallen. "I wont deny I like you." My hand grasped his, "Maybe…even something more. But right now, I cant start this because I don't know if this feelings I'm having is me needing someone or they've always been there."

"That's not true. You had them before this, you kissed me before all of this happened. Merlin please do not say your feelings for me are about them, because we both know they weren't"

"I need to process. My parents are—are not here and I need to grieve and heal and I—I" I started crying. "I just, I cant let myself be so happy right now, because I need to grieve and if I'm with you I'll feel happy and I don't deserve to."

"Its your choice but i don't think you should punish yourself. I think your parents would want you happy."

"And I will be. I will be happy with you one day."

"One day soon?"

"One day soon."

"So, for now, we're just really, really, _really_ good friends?"

"Exactly."

"Are we hand holding friends?"

I lifted our intertwined finders.

"Kissing friends?"

"Occasional, and when no one can see."

He shook his head at me, "You know, this hard to get bit is kinda getting out of hand."

For the first time in a while I laughed.

_The next day_

I went to my classes today, getting behind would definitely not be good right now.

Today was really weird. I don't know exactly how to explain it. I just felt weird. It was as if life had never changed. I went to classes, at lunch I actually ate food, I played a bit of chess in the common room. It was the same, but so very different. Like something was going to happen. I don't know what could be more than what has already happened, but…Maybe I'm just overreacting. Maybe some people just get paranoid in grieve. Is that one of the steps? I don't think it is. I have always been a weirdo so maybe for me it is.

Greeeat.

_A week later._

I had the oddest dream….

Sirius Black came prancing into the dinning hall with a train of peacocks behind him. I don't really know what the peacocks represented, but they were there none the less.

"Lily Evans!" He shouted at me. Standing at attention, saluted at me, as I was sitting down.

"Yes Sirius?"

"I am here to read a message from a Mr…"He looked down at the paper, "a Mr. Potter, do you know of him?"

I giggled, "Yes…?"

"So…hes not a terrorist?"

"No, hes not a terrorist…?"

"Oh…well you see…ah, Mooney!"

Remus came bounding into the dinning hall, a peacock hat on his head that had the entire hall laughing.

"Yes Sir!"

"We got the wrong man."

"Yes sir!" Then Remus ran back out the doors.

"Is this Mr—" Sirius looked at the paper in his hands again, "Mr. Potter, a...lover?"

"No!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"He is very good looking…"

I gave him a look.

"And I do believe he likes you."

"Sirius!"

"Yes, I'm being very serious. Havent you not heard him asking you out for the last….oh six years or so. I don't understand it, you see I like black hair. Like that fine little thang next to ya." He suddenly began to speak in a country accent.

"Sirius what are you doing?!" Charlotte squeaked. Everyone in the hall was watching us. Sirius just winked at her.

"Bring 'im in!"

Remus suddenly came in, dragging James behind him. James was handcuffed and wearing a black and white jump suite.

"Private Mooney!"

"Yes, sir?"

"Are you sure he is not a terrorist?" I nodded, "Private Mooney, release this shoulder." Sirius looked crestfallen. Remus began to unlock the handcuffs. Sirius leaned in closer to me, saying just loud enough for everyone to hear, "You sure he's not a lover? Bet he'd be a good one." Charlotte bonked him on the head.

James sat beside me, "They kidnapped me." He whispered to me.

"Oh like you didn't plan this whole thing." I joked.

"but, sir, who is the terrorist then?"

"I don't know…I don't know…The message said that he had black hair. A specific pack of friends, a white male, 6 foot something, something about Lily Evans….What are we missing?"

"Perhaps sir, you read the message again?"

Sirius leaned over the paper again, mumbling to himself as he read quickly.

"Oh! I've got it!"

"What is it sir?"

"It said black, slimy, greasy, hair!"

"Who could that be?"

"Does anyone know someone who fits this description? It is a matter of the Peacocking Nation!"

That explains the peacocks. Personally I think he chose the name for the second syllable. Sirius just cant resist coc—woah that would really sound wrong if I finished that sentence…moving on.

Everyone was laughing, and some shouting out 'Severus Snape!'

"A Severus Snape you say?" Sirius shouted back. "Where is he?!" Everyone pointed to him. Sirius ran on top of the tables, stepping on a platter of pastries on his way. "Terrorist!" He jumped and tackled Severus to the ground. "Got 'im!"

Sirius stood up, holding severus by the collar of his shirt. "Merlin! Even his shirt is greasy, we definitely got the right man!" Everyone was laughing at him, I was laughing at him. I mean just the image of Sirius diving ontop of Severus Snape screaming "Terrorist!" is enough to make me cry I'm laughing so hard.

Severus was fuming. He looked like he could literally kill someone right now. My eyes met Severus's, his gaze held steady. His dark, black, eyes bearing into me. The intensity making me blush.

Then I woke up. I have no fucking idea what this dreams means.

Maybe no more cake before bed….

_The next day_

This morning I was half way expecting Sirius to come prancing in with peacocks behind him…

No such luck.

James met me at the bottom of the stairs, grinning.

"Good morning…" I said hesitantly.

"Morning beautiful."

"Whats got you so cheerful."

"The big games tonight, Gryffindor vs Slytherin, I'm really excited."

"That's right, good luck!"

"Your coming to watch right?"

"Of course, I'm not that much of a prude."

"Could have fooled me,"

"Jerk!" I playfully hit him on the arm.

"I know."

I grinned at him as he opened the door for me.

I have to admit, I was slightly disappointed to see Sirius, half dead as usual at this time, sitting at our table.

As I sat down I asked, "Hey, Sirius…You don't happen to like peacocks do you?"

_Dinner that night_

"Oh come on Charlotte!"

"What?" She replied innocently.

Melanie rolled her eyes, "I really hope Remus's mum gets better soon…" I could tell she missed him.

The marauders all started eating their food very quickly. I knew his secret, or at least had a theory.

"I'm sure she will Melanie, it just sucks he's missing the game."

"Speaking of which, mate we gotta go." Sirius said, looking at a watch. I always found Sirius wearing a watch odd to me. But he does, none the less.

"Your right." James and Sirius took their last gulps of their drink and stood, charlotte and I stood up.

"We'll walk you out." Charlotte said.

"You just wanna snogg." I teased.

"Don't you?" She whispered back and winked.

We got to the door and I went to hug James and wish him good luck, but he looked both ways and grabbed my head with his large strong hands. He pulled his lips to mine in a powering strength, we moved our lips aggressively, my fingers digging into his head and caressing his neck.

We pulled back, breathing heavy.

"For good luck." He whispered to me. I nodded to him. He pressed his lips against mine once again, this time gentle and sweet, making me melt all over again.

He pulled away and walked to the door, looking back and me once before he left.

I stood there for a moment, trying to get my heart rate at a normal speed.

I turned around swiftly and then stopped dead.

Severus was staring at me. He had the same cold, fuming stare he had in my dream. Except this stare didn't look like he _could_ kill someone, it looked like he would murder someone. Or better yet, longed for it.

**Whew, I finished it in time!**

**Thank you so much for reading! I'm so grateful for all of you, and that I can write this story. It made my crappy day way better! **

**Love,**

**Jenna**


	32. Entry32Snapes slimey tongue

Entry 32

So I stood there staring at Severus as he stared at the door where James had just walked out of.

"You're dating him then?"

"That's none of your business." I sharply replied.

His eyes finally shifted to look at me. "It's disgusting."

"No. Its not." I said, crossing my arms in front of me. "Calling you're best friend a mud blood is disgusting."

He stalked toward me, with a frightening smirk on his face.

"It was a mistake."

"What the hell are you talking about? It wasn't a mistake. You'd bitten back you're tongue for years." I stepped toward him. He didn't scare me. Though I noticed I didn't have much room until I would hit the wall; my eyes searched the hall way to see an escape route if this got ugly.

He laughed, not the laugh he had when we were best friends, but a shrill, hideous laugh.

"One day you'll understand."

Then he promptly turned and walked away.

I stood there for a moment, then hurried back to the great hall. Then I sat back down with Melanie and Charlotte.

"Jeeze, Lil, did you really make out with James that long?" Charlotte teased.

"Whats wrong?" Melanie said, looking at me. "You look really pale—er paler than usual." I have very light skin. I call it 'ivory' much better than 'pale.' Pale sounds like I have some awful disease and I'm about to croak or something. Ivory sounds beautiful and innocent…

ANYWAY, I went on to tell them about what Severus had said and they agreed it was weird, but he was most likely just pissed I was with James and was trying to scare me, or hurt me, like how I had just hurt him.

Long sentence.

Anyhozle, we all just decided to walk down to the game early and watch them warm up. Or as Charlotte put it, to check out their asses.

The game was bloody brilliant. But there was lag, at which I decided to go pee. I really should have gone before, but I was still distracted by stupid Snape.

I went through the awkwardness of going past everyone in the row, to get to the bathroom. It reminded me a lot of being at the muggle movies.

Once I was leaving the loo and was about to start the climb back up to my seat (best in the house due to our early arrival) someone grabbed my arm and pulled me off to the side of the little shed where the bathroom was located.

"God I cant stand seeing you in this." My Gryffindor scarf was ripped off my neck. By Snape.

_Ha ha, I'm wearing a yellow and orange shirt you creeper_! My mind mocked.

"What the fuck Severus?!"

"I needed to talk to you." I really did not like how I was pressed against a wall with him in front of me.

And everyone at Hogwarts yards above me, screaming their heads off.

_Really_ didn't like this at all…

"You cant date him."

"I sure as hell can."

He grabbed my forearms. "You cant!"

"Get off of me!"

The crowd roared above us.

"No!" He took my arms and shoved them against the wall, over my head. "You cant date him Lily!"

"Why not?!" I struggled against his death grip on my wrist now.

"Because I love you damnit!"

I attempted to knee him but I missed.

The crowd began to chant. It was the gyrffindor chant. We had won. Someone would be coming soon….

"_Gryffindor! Gryffindor!"_

He crashed his head forward, forcing his lips on mine.

God please let someone come soon….

I screamed against his lips, but it was hopeless to try. No one could hear me over the celebrations.

"_Gryffindor! Gryffindor!"_

His tongue pushed pass my lips, it violated my entire mouth. My screaming against his skinny, chap, lips never stopped, but he didn't seem to care. I struggled against his grasp on my body.

Then, he was gone.

I turned to the side and attempted to throw up, I felt so unclean.

"James!" I heard Sirius yell. Sirius was apparently my savoir and he wanted reinforcements.

I looked over, I saw that Sirius had Severus on the ground with his wand pointed at his face. It looked like he had put a binding spell over him.

James came barreling through the small crowd that had begun to form. He rushed to my side. "What happened?"

"He—he forced himself—" I was wiping the back of my hand on my lips, it was difficult to talk.

"_He did what?"_

I stopped and said calmly. "He forced himself on me."

James just about pounced on Severus. Then he slugged him, hard, on his chin. Then another, straight on his nose. It began to bleed immediately, a constant stream of blood. Severus's eyes bugged out in pain, it looked like his nose was broken.

Just as James was going to slug him again, Dumbledore showed up.

"That's enough James."

James looked up, stopping his fist mid air. He leaned in close to Snape's face.

"If you ever touch her again, not even Dumbledore will be able to stop me. You got that?"

James gruffly stood, and walked over to me.

"Lily." Dumbledore said, "Are you alright."

"Yes, sir."

"Alright. I'll get Severus to the hospital wing. James you will have one detention."

"But sir—!"

"You broke his nose, Mr. Potter."

James muttered, "Should have broken more than that…"

"And I'm sure you will if he does force himself on Miss Evans again. Don't worry, he'll receive a detention as well."

He then walked away with Severus floating next to him.

Was it me, or was he walking a little slow to draw out the time Severus had the pain?

And he hadn't taken of the binding spell yet.

I love our headmaster.

"You alright Lils?"

I looked up at James, "I'm alright."

His arm tightened around me. His thumbed rubbed my shoulder, soothing me. "Are you alright enough to go to the big party?"

"Definitely."

He smiled at me. "You played amazing."

"Did you see Trevor though? That has to be the best seeker we've had in ages! He caught the snitch in his _mouth_. Can you believe such a thing?"

"Its pretty crazy."

"Ha! Not as crazy as Sirius picking up Trevor and running around the field with him over his shoulders after he caught it."

"Damn! I missed that?!" We had started to walk back to Hogwarts.

"I'm sure someone got a picture of it."

"They should make it the official mascot of the Gryffindor Team."

"Without my pretty face in it? I don't think so…"

"You're not that important. You're only the captain."

"yeah, who needs those?"

"Oh! Do you think Sirius could do a repeat of his victory run at the party?"

"If we bribe him."

"That's perfect! Cuz you see I'm kinda best friends with his girlfriend."

"Oh gross, don't mention crap like that. I'm her brother!"

I kissed his cheek. "Lets go get him."

"Lets wait about 15 minutes."

"Why?"

"We have to give him enough time to successfully snuggle in the fire whiskey."

"James how is going to—"

"It's a marauder thing."

I rolled my eyes.

And grabbed his hand.

"You know, I'm really glad Sirius and I aren't 'hand holding' friends." He said softly, swinging our hands a little.

I laughed.

He made a disgusted face. "Ugh, or 'kissing on occasion friends when no one is looking' friends."

"It'd be better then Snape."

He looked both ways, then leaned down and kissed me softly.

"I think I'm good with just kissing you."

I giggled, and bit my lip. "That's good, we might have a problem if you wanted to kiss Sirius."

"Hmmmm…let me think…" He leaned down and kissed me again. "Nope. This is all the kissing I need."

I laughed and looked up at the castle. I saw someone staring at us from a window, then who ever it was shut the curtain quickly.

"Lets go party!"

I'm sure it was nothing.

I turned to him, "No fire whiskey."

He grinned, "scouts honor."

"You were never a scout James."

He snapped his fingers, "Darn. I guess that means we'll just have to get shit faced."

I shook my head. "What am I going to do with you?"

"Use me as arm candy."

I laughed, "When?"

"When we go to the next Hogsmeade trip together."

"Like a…date?"

**This chapter makes me happy, in an odd sense. **

**Tell me what you think of it!**

**Also, I need an opinion, I intended on ending this story in June, but that would be a hell of a lot of chapters. So I could end it in December. And I'm positive I would write a sequel if I end it in December. **

**So June or December???**

**You decided.**

**In a **_**Review.**_

**Keyword there.**

**Thank you for reading!**

**Love,**

**Jenna**


	33. Entry33Tiggins!

**Did I say thanksgiving break? No I don't think I did… It now clearly states 'the next Hogsmeade trip.'**

**Like I could ever forget there's no thanksgiving in England/Europe in general! Psh!**

**;-)**

**Also, I'm writing this with a migraine (I refuse to have it late!) so any mistakes please excuse due to the fact I just wanna go to sleep and take a large amount of pain killers….**

Entry 33

A lot has happened in the last few days.

I mean A LOT.

Lets start with Melanie slapping Remus in front of everyone in the great hall.

And end with I saw James making out with Kim.

Sound good? Alright.

Alright well, Melanie wanted to go to Hogsmeade with Remus, like any girlfriend would with their boyfriend. He said he didn't feel like going out. So she offered to stay at Hogwarts and just hang out, be with each other.

He said she should just go without him. She refused. Then he told her he had to go out of town, anyway.

Then she stormed away, and –apparently—thought of reasons for his actions all night.

She came to the conclusion that he was cheating on her.

I don't know where she gets these ideas in her head….

So she came barreling to the great hall, in the middle of breakfast, we had all left and let her sleep in a little (setting an alarm for her, mind you, because we are kick ass best friends.)

She sat down with us, in her normal seat, and didn't say a word. Just got her breakfast. Remus asked her what was wrong.

She then burst into tears, and stood. He stood with her, and right before she ran out the door, he grabbed her and forced her to look at him.

"Aren't I good enough for you!?"

_Slap!_

She ran to class. Leaving poor remus completely confused…and hurt…literally.

"Women." Sirius shook his head. "Cant live with their minds, cant live without their bodies…"

_Slap!_

That slap from Charlotte to Sirius, was deserved.

Next on my list is Severus gave me a letter. I will paraphrase it because it does not deserve to take up space in this hideous journal. I really should ask for a new on for Christmas….

Anyway!

It basically said that he loved me, and that he didn't mean to force anything on me the other day, he was just at his wits end and he didn't know what to do, so he thought he could convince me that I loved him too with a kiss.

Kiss my ass! He was going for second base!

Whatever, Severus, you go and be a big mean death eater!

Fucker.

Next!

I was on my….ready? Date! With James, when that second little 'incident' occurred. Here poor james and I were walking down from Hogwarts when some chick named Kim, the president of the James Potter fan club, comes prancing over.

"Hi…" She said, fluttering her eyelashes.

"Er—hello." James continued walking.

"I'm Kim."

"I know."

She looked like she could sequel at any moment from that news.

"Kim, we've all known you since the first day of school. Your in our year, remember?" I said, talking slower than I should have. I was hoping she'd get the hint.

"Well….James…I was wondering…could I speak to you…in private?" Jesus how many pauses can you put in a sentence? What an idiot.

"Well, I'm kinda busy now, you see I'm on _date._"

"With who?" Well that was snarky.

James held up our intertwined hands, "Lily, obliviously…"

"Her??" Ok, now that was downright bitchy.

"Yes, _her._ She is beautiful, and smart, and she doesn't waste my time, like you. So if you could please stop ruining the best day of—"

_Kiss!_

Yes, journal, you read correctly.

She just _kissed _him. Right on the lips. Her hands were grabbing his face like she was trying to eat his face, not kiss it.

And I guess she thought he's mumbled shouts of 'let go of me, you're crazy!' was taken as groans of pleasure…

As if.

Have you noticed that in a small amount of time, we have both been forced to kiss people we don't like? Very strange.

I, calmly, walked to the back of 'Kim' and, calmly again, grabbed a huge chunk of her hair, pulling so hard, a few strains came out. She finally pulled back and screamed in pain.

"You bitch! Cant you tell I'm in the middle of something?!"

"Yes, you're in the middle of me and my date. Now if you could please move your delusional skanky ass out of my way, I would like to continue on my date that he has tried to get for about 3 years."

She 'humpf!' –ed and stomped off to where ever the hell she came from.

"Well…" I said, shuffling my feet.

A finger went under my chin, and lifted my gaze.

"I love you, you know that?"

I grinned, "Come on! I wanna start our date!"

"I never thought I'd hear those words…" I jibed him in the ribs.

"Har har."

He smirked, "I knew you were always pinning after me all these years."

I looked him up and down, "Hmmmm, well maybe for your body."

"Good enough for me."

And so our date began….

We went and shopping around for a while, and he bought me hot chocolate after a while because it had gotten a little chilly outside.

I was wearing a blue skirt with black leggings/tights (they looked like tights but were as warm as leggings so I was lost as of what to call them.) I'll call them my tiggings. With a black v-neck sweater, that if I do say so myself, really made my breast look fabulous.

He wore a green sweater—really made his green in his hazel eyes stand out—with dark jeans that let me tell you made me, _me,_ want to just cop a feel.

We both were wearing black jackets.

We were walking around, holding hands, drinking hot chocolate, talking, when I looked over at a shop that had jewelry in the front window.

I almost unconsciously started walked toward a necklace I saw there.

"See something you like?" James spoke from behind me, so close I could feel his breath on my neck.

I nodded. "Which one?"

I pointed to a beautiful necklace hanging in the display. It was a silver chain necklace with a delicate emerald hanging on it.

"Its beautiful."

He grabbed my hand and I thought he was going to get me walking along again, but instead he was tugging me inside.

A bell sounded as we enter the little jewlry shop.

"Excuse me, miss?"

"Yes?"

"How much is that emerald necklace in the display?"

She walked over to the window and handed the necklace to James, who looked at the price tag.

"We'll take it."

"Sir, are you sure—"

"Where's the cash register?"

"Right over here, sir."

"James!" I hissed, god knows what that cost. Emeralds are rare to find and that one was pristine.

"What?" He said off hand.

"Name?" Said the clerk, "We need it for each purchase of this size."

"James! Merlin! You can't—"

"James Potter."

"That explains it…" The clerk mumbled.

Blimely how rich were they???

James handed the clerk a wad of gold that was in his pocket.

I tried not to look at how many he was giving her.

"Have a good day!" She handed James a bag, and James took it graciously, telling her the same.

Once were inside, he tucked the bag in my coat pocket.

"James! Really…"

"Consider it an early Christmas present."

"This should be the only Christmas present I get from you."

"Are you kidding? It will be our first Christmas as a couple! I plan on spoiling you so even if you go back to hating me, you'll stay for the money."

I rolled my eyes.

His eyes brightened. "Hey! You'll be at my house for Christmas! You know what that means, don't you?"

"What?"

"We can sneak into each other rooms." He sounded postivily delighted.

"Perv!"

"I never said we'd do anything."

"You implied it."

"Well I sure wouldn't tell you no that's for sure…"

"Pig."

"You know you like it."

"Humpf."

"Or, at least, you would if you'd let me."

"You better stop while your ahead."

"Your right…maybe I should have put the necklace in my pocket…"

"I'm not with you because you're rich, you know that right?" I asked honestly.

He smiled the smile I'd seen in a long time from him, "I know that, love."

"Ok, good."

"So are you ready to eat yet?"

So we went to a really nice restaurant and I had a steak, poor guy I'm taking all his money, it was delicious. While we ate, we talked, and the subject of Remus and Melanie came up.

"You know about him don't you?" he said in a serious whisper.

I nodded, "I wont tell anyone."

"I know you wont. I've been trying to get him to tell her for ages now and he just wont do it."

"I know, but I'm afraid that if he doesn't tell her soon, she'll break up with him. Or go crazy."

"Maybe she already has." He mused.

"That was some scene…Where did she get that he was cheating on her?"

"Who knows." He said as we laughed.

The conversation flowed freely and we laughed throughout the night.

All to soon he was walking me to the girls dormitory stairs.

"So, can I get a good night kiss?"

"I don't know…I don't wanna catch whatever that girl had…"

"But don't you want me to have your taste in my mouth as I fall to sleep that night."

"Well I sure as hell don't want hers in your mouth."

He leaned down, his forehead pressed against mine, "Please," He whispered.

I tilted my head toward him and his lips came crashing down on mine. His strong hands gripped my hips, pulling me tighter to his hard body. My tongue began thrusting into his mouth, wanting to taste him. Wanting him to taste me. I want him, more than ever. His scent filled my world, I couldn't get enough of him. My hands twisted in his hair, my body sculpted itself onto him.

I needed him.

"Lily." He moaned, in between gasps of air.

"Lily, we need to…" I bit down on his bottom lip. "Oh merlin, we need to stop."

I pulled back slightly, "then stop me."

I kissed slowly down his jaw line, nuzzling him with my nose. My lips searched until I found his neck, I kissed him open mouthed, licking him in between.

"Lil—" He grasped, his hands tightening on my hips, almost so hard it hurt. But it felt like I couldn't get enough.

I bit the point where his neck met his shoulder, forcefully, then kissed it, swirling my tongue around the darkening area.

"Fuck." He muttered.

I pulled back, kissed him once more on the lips.

"Good night."

Then I left him frozen, mouth gaping, and I think…

Some tented jeans.

I bet that's uncomfortable.

**Thanks for reading! Please review! It might help my migraine!**

**Lots of love,**

**Jenna**


	34. Entry34Empty Classrooms

**I don't know if anyone caught it, but in the last entry Lily wrote that she was hoping to get a new journal for Christmas. Which is in **_**December**_**. Translation: this story will end on Christmas Eve. I figure it wont be as depressing if I end it then because the next day will be Christmas! Meaning, I only have 4 more chapters to write! And then of course the sequel…**

Entry 34

Well, it's official.

I'm having a love affair.

At 16.

I feel like I'm in some melodramatic sex story romance novel of forbidden lovers.

Ok, I may be exaggerating a bit.

But, not a lot.

So James and I are going to be on the "down low" for a while. But we are dating.

Kinda.

When he's not walking me to class, and I see him in the halls, we share these intense staring moments. During class, he sneaks me a wink. When I walk past him in potions, I run my nails against his back, carefully, without anyone the wiser.

Hopefully.

Anyway, it's all very romantic and hot.

I say hot because today, when I was just innocently walking from Advanced Charms to the library for my free block, when I got grabbed from behind.

Into an empty classroom.

Do you see where I'm going with this?

I was pushed against the door, with James Fucking Potter pressed against me. His hot breath tickling the nook of my neck.

"James…" I tried to say disapprovingly, though it sounded more like a breathy moan.

"You're going to kill me Lily Evans." He kissed along my neck. "I finally get to show your mine and you don't let me." He bite my neck playfully, "You're soft little touches are torture you know that right?" I smugly smirked at this. Then moaned as I felt his smooth, gifted tongue lick where he had bitten. "I can barely sleep, I can't stop thinking about the night you marked me."

It was true; he had a huge hickie on his neck.

Hehehehe, I did that.

His hands moved to my hips, his thumbs dug into me, pulling me tighter against him.

"I mean, look at me. I pulled you in here to talk and look what you made me do…"

Oh yeah, I'm sure talking was his intentions…psh.

"James…" Again, I tried to get him to stop. Who knows when someone would need this classroom?

He bit my ear lope, while his strong hands took mine prisoner, holding them above me.

I should have been freaking out, screaming rape at the top of my lunges.

Instead, I moaned louder.

"Lily…" He whispered in my ear. The sound of him saying my name like that made me buck my hips against him.

Then he was gone.

"James...?"

"Fuck, fuck, fuck…." He chanted, pacing in the room.

"James?" I walked over to him.

He cleared his throat. "That was really out of line Lily, I'm sorry. You've just been driving me crazy. I promise I'll behave. Can we just talk? Like I planned to do?"

This was new. Most guys would have just gone with the flow…

"I wasn't complaining."

He walked over to me, and I being a 16 year old hormonal girl took a peak at his pants.

_Damn._

The rumors had to be true then…

He took my hands, rubbing his calloused thumb against my palm.

"I don't want to rush anything with you. I want this relationship to last a long time Lily. I don't want to pressure you into anything, or rush anything." He released one hand and put it on my cheek, "And the way I see it, we have a long time for hot little moments like that."

Merlin I hope so. I was still ready to jump his bones.

I cleared my throat as well.

"Right, well, um…"

"Sorry, this was all a little awkward…" He ran his hands through his hair nervous.

"No, I just need to calm down…"

"Calm down?" He said, raising his eyebrows. "You liked that?" He moved in front of me, his tall built frame filling my view.

I could barely nod.

"You liked feeling that I had all the power?" I nodded, a little embarrassed. "Never would have guessed that…" I slapped his chest. He chuckled. I was just about pressed against a wall, I wanted more of him.

I tentatively ran a hand down his chest, my nails dragging harder against him when I reached his abdomen.

He shuttered.

"Merlin, I don't know how I'm supposed to resist you…"

I was backed again the wall again, his forehead was leaning against the wall, his breathing was ragged, though he was trying to breathe deeply.

When my hand reached the end of his shirt, my hand slowly slipped under it, just barely touching his warm tan skin.

He gasped, "Lily, no." My finger just slightly skimmed his belly button when he pulled back.

He chuckled, his voice huskier than before.

"Erm, right then. No more empty class rooms for us…"

I smirked. "I don't know about you, but I thought it was pretty exciting."

He smirked again, "Oh I'm pretty sure you know exactly how exciting I found this."

I smirked wider.

"Ready to go?" I asked.

"I might need a few minutes."

"Right."

And so we sat on the teachers' desk, talking about nothing in particular.

He made me laugh at something, I can't remember what, and I put my hand on his knee.

"That's not exactly helping, Lils."

I laughed, "So if I were to do that in a class per say?"

"Oh Merlin help me,"

I grinned, "You ready to go?"

He nodded, "As long as you promise not to keep your hands to yourself."

"Excuse me; I believe it was _your_ hands that pulled me in here."

"Touché."

I was reading in a book for an essay I'm writing and it talked about this man named Harry something or other. I really like that name. Think about it, it just looks for good. It's a strong name. Like James. James is a strong name.

To go with a strong body James has…

I'm freaking out a bit, considering all through class I've stare at his bum whenever he stood.

He really does have a nice ass.

Not as good as Sirius's but a damn close second.

I'm sorry I've been neglecting you a bit this week Journal. Exams are coming up and I have to balance James, friends, and studying.

Unfortunately, not in that order.

James has been bugging me about when we can tell people we're dating. I said we could after Christmas break.

And then I got this fabulous idea. You see Charlotte hasn't told her parents about her and Sirius so they won't watch them like a hawk. (Though I don't know why they wouldn't anyhow, because lets face it, Sirius is fucking sexy and Charlotte's naturally going to want some of him.)

Anyhoo, I was thinking that maybe we wouldn't have to tell his parents until after Christmas break…

That way we could have more alone time….

Maybe that's not a good idea…

Scratch that, it is _definitely _not a good idea.

But it's ok, because I'm a teenager and the whole point of being a teenager is doing things that aren't such a good idea.

Goodness I'm giddy!

Wow. I just realized that I have my first boyfriend. Weird thought huh?

Melanie finally started talking to Remus again. He said that he's going to tell her tonight what he really is.

That should be interesting…

They should be coming back pretty soon.

I think they went to the room of requirements…haha I bet when he walked in the room had a big banner saying "I'm an idiot for not telling you this to begin with. I'm sorry."

Well that is what he really needs…

Ooh, Melanie just got in! Gotta go!

Well……..this is weird.

She got into bed. Didn't say a word to us. And closed her curtain.

And won't open it. And I think there's a silencing charm on it because I really think she crying.

Poor Melanie.

Poor Remus.

Melanie didn't go to her classes today. And Remus didn't say a word all day.

I'm dieing to know what happened, I really hope they didn't break up or anything.

I brought some food up for Mel; I know she must be starving. I wish she'd let us help. Or at least let us know if she's still behind those curtains…

Oh and one other thing…since you are my journal I feel no shame writing this. I just had a major snogg with James in a broom closet!

While we were supposed to be on prefect duty.

I feel like I should be wearing one of those naughty private school skirts…

Oh wait, I am.

**Alright folks, this is the last chapter that will be written at Hogwarts for this story. The next chapter is going to be in James Point of View. **

**The next and last chapter will be held at James house and a few other select places.**

**And then there will a Sequel!**

**Please review!**

**Lots of Love,**

**Jenna**


	35. Entry35Dating a Slytherin

Entry 35

_December 18,_

Exams are over!! Halleluiah Jesus! I want to sing to the world. No more studying for at least 3 weeks!

_December 20,_

I'm currently on the train back to James's. I'm really depressed about this whole thing. I don't know if I can look out to the window and see my old house, where my parents last few days were. I don't know if I can do it.

I'm leaning against the window; James is next to me with his hand on my knee and its making me want to scream, because he is rubbing it in circles, tantalizing me. Lupin is next to him. Charlotte and Melanie are across of us, talking in whispers. We're about half way into our journey. Sirius is on an exposition to find some grub.

Oh and Peter is lying on the floor.

"So Pete, I saw that hufflepuff girl checking you out." James said, giving him a kick.

"Who?"

"Lisa Bones, I think she's pretty cute. You should go for it."

"I kinda like someone else though…"

"Oh really who?" Melanie said, finally finishing her conversation with Charlotte.

"You wouldn't understand."

"Oh what, do you want a Slytherin?"

He was silent. "You do!?" Charlotte said, in horror.

"They're not all bad. If I do recall you dated one last year."

Silence.

Charlotte flushed a rarity for her.

"Who dated a Slytherin?" Sirius said in the doorway, a bundle of food in his arms.

Wow, bad timing.

Melanie recovered first. "You—you dated a Slytherin?"

She nodded.

I gasped.

"Why didn't you tell us??" I asked, the hand on my knee was stilled, the fingers tightened.

"It was Josh. It was only like a few dates."

"That's not how I heard it." Peter said in a snide voice.

"I think you've said enough." Charlotte said in a snarl.

"I didn't think you'd understand." She said turning to us.

"I don't." James said in a tight voice.

"Look, it was just a few dates, and then we broke it off. We knew it would never work, and we didn't have hardly anything in common."

"They way he told it you two were together for ages."

Charlotte turned to Peter, fire in her eyes. "He told it wrong. And why would you be talking to him anyway? Are you part of the death eater wanna be club now too?"

"Why do you say it like it's a bad thing? You dated one."

"Before I understood everything!"

"Just think—one of his friends, or even him, could have killed your best friends' parents!"

She slapped him.

She walked out of the compartment, past Sirius who was stilled stunned at against the door. Peter left moments later, slamming the door and stalking off in the opposite direction. Sirius came in and sat next to Melanie, still looking dazed.

We were all silent for a moment.

"I'm going to go find her."

Sirius left, leaving us looking around the room.

"Is anyone else a little nervous that Peter knew this information…from the other side?" I murmured. We all just sat here for a few moments, while I wrote it all in this journal, until we knew Sirius had found Charlotte.

"How could you do this?!"

"It was like 3 dates Sirius, get over it!"

"He's best friends with my brother!"

"So??"

"I knew you had a lot of guys in the past—"

"Oh that's rich! Coming from _Sirius Black!_ Didn't you loose your virginity at some ridiculous age of 12?!"

"It looks like you were just born a whore! Get out of my sight."

"Fine Sirius! Fine. Just go find some stupid blonde bitch to fuck away your problems!"

"Fuck you."

I saw Charlotte zip past our compartment, her face smeared with black make-up, her black shinny hair whipping past her, flying in all directions.

"I'll go find her…" Melanie said, excusing herself away. She didn't like sitting her with Remus either, they still hadn't made up.

"I'll erm, go find Sirius." James said, giving my knee one last squeeze.

I looked at Lupin for a moment. "Did you tell her?" I had to know if he told he was a werewolf or not.

"You know?"

"Of course."

He sighed, and put his tired face in his hands. "I royally fucked up."

I chuckled, "looks like a lot of that is going around."

"I couldn't tell her."

"Why not Remus?"

"I—I stood there, and she was looking at me with this big blue eyes, they trusted me. Trusting me to tell her the truth and save the relationship, but I couldn't, I couldn't do it."

"Did you ask for more time?"

"No. I didn't think of that. I just said that it wasn't her right to know."

"Remus…" That was the worst thing he could have said…

"I know, I know. I told you I royally fucked up."

"You need to talk to her." He nodded, "Tell her the truth Remus."

"She won't want me."

"She doesn't want you now."

He chuckled, "No, she doesn't. But, the rejection right now is accepted. But if she were to reject me for who I am, what makes me, me, I don't know if I could handle it. I—think it would…."He trailed off. I scouted closer to him, and put a hand on his and squeezed it.

"Remus, I'm going to tell you something and I want you to hear me. Do you understand?" He nodded at me, "Being a werewolf is a part of you. But it is, in no way, what makes you, _you._ You are an amazing human being. You are special. You would still be this wonderful if you were a mermaid. You deserve a girl that will love you no matter what you are, what you do, or anything you choose to do. Having this part of you is something that happened to you, it has _changed _you yes, but it did not make you. You have a beautiful soul, and no full moon could ever change that."

He smiled, "Thank you." His face looked less strained and more relaxed than I'd see it in quite some time.

"You are so loved Remus, by every one. Just let them in every once and a while, ok?"

* * *

James returned with Sirius later, Charlotte and Melanie apparently went and sat with Alice and Mary.

I wanted to go join them but James and I had prefect duties. We caught _first years_ in a compartment completely making out.

In my day, when you were eleven you thought boys were icky.

Ok, maybe not, but we _certainly _weren't doing _that_ with them….

"So Lily?"

"Yes,"

"No one is looking."

"Ok…?"

He leaned down and kissed me quickly, his taste lingered on my lips after they had left.

"I've wanted to do that for ages."

I giggled, yes giggled, and shook my head.

"I have a surprise for you."

"James, it's almost Christmas, can't you just wait until then? I feel quilt enough with this hanging on my neck." The emerald really did look beautiful against my pale skin and red hair.

"It looks beautiful."

"So what's this surprise?"

"Well, it's about where we're going actually…"

"What do you mean?"

"I mentioned to mom and dad about how hard it would be for you to see your old house—"

"Oh my god, you didn't actually move did you?!"

"No, no," He laughed, "I just suggested that we go to a vacation house."

"Oh."

"I don't know exactly where we are going, I just hope there are a lot of things to do there…I don't exactly want to be in a log cabin with those two 'couples' back there."

"I don't think it'd really matter." His eye browns rose, "Well, I don't plan on spending much time with them, do you?" He grinned.

"Did tell you parents we were together?"

"I didn't think I was supposed to…"

"You weren't."

"Lily….Are you…are you implying what I think you're implying…?"

"Sash, come on I think I hear some suspicious activity in that compartment."

"Suspicious behavior…a lot of that around here…"

I jibed him in the ribs.

A Shafer picked us up.

He was wearing a hat and everything. Even had a sign on it that read "Potters"

He wouldn't tell us where we were going, it was very frustrating.

The car was magically enhanced so we all fit comfortably. James and I sat as buffers with the unhappy couples.

"So…" I attempted a conversation.

It died.

A very awkward, very slow death.

It was a long car ride.

We pulled up to a long drive way about two hours later. I sat up straighter in my chair; my curiosity had been eating me alive.

It was a castle.

No, a mansion.

I thought their house had been a manor.

This damn thing had tower bedrooms.

I called one of those.

Not that I'd be in there very often if things went according to plan.

"Love?"

"What?" I answered James.

"This is the Potter Manor."

"But—But—What??"

"Well, everyone in the family gets to use this. But my family owns it."

"Thank god they didn't take us to our cabin up north, boring as hell." Charlotte said.

"Wait, when you said you didn't know where we were going…"

"I didn't know which house they chose."

I stared at him in awe.

We got out and his parents were waiting for us, smiles on their warm faces.

"Welcome home, darlings!" Mrs. Potter said.

They ushered us inside, giving us a tour of the _west_ wing.

I didn't even wanna know what the other wings looked like. The west wing was almost as big as their house back on Joy Lane.

And that is really saying something.

James showed me a room, saying he wanted me to stay here. There was a huge fireplace and a balcony; it was painted a soothing green with all white linens. There was an attached bathroom was a creamy yellow.

Then he showed me that the next room over was his.

"This room always reminded me of you. It's so calming, yet beautiful. It's so…happy and fresh."

I walked up to him, toying with the collar of his shirt. "And just think how close you'll be when I'm in the shower, completely naked, the water running down my body…"

"Let's go join the others!" He grabbed my hand and dragged me downstairs.

There had to be a 12 foot tree in the living room. The house was so beautifully decorated.

Remus, Sirius, Charlotte and Melanie all sat on different chairs, staring at the chairs.

"Melanie, Remus, it's so nice you could join us for Christmas this year,"

"Yeah, maybe they'll have a right to know about you; maybe they'll be good enough for you." Melanie said in the most disdainful tone I'd ever heard her use.

"So when is the rest of the family coming over?"

"I don't know if they can handle this party…." Mr. Potter said sarcastically.

Well, it was the Holidays.

**See you next Sunday! In James POV!**

**Lots of Love,**

**Jenna**


	36. Entry36Jimmy

Entry 36

**(this will be written NOT like an entry, but just in the mind of James…ahh what a place it was…)**

**James POV**

_December 23_

I flopped down on my bed after getting ready for the day, my head was resting on the most comfortable pillow imaginable. It was just so perfect. Not too hard or soft, molding to my big head perfectly.

Did I really just say big head? Man, Lily would find that hilarious.

Lily.

Merlin I love her. Just her name makes my heart beat a little faster.

She's in my home, right next to my room, _willingly._

I really, really hope that she implied what I thought she implied. Was she really going to come in here? Come in here, in my room, _my_ _bed_.

I hear the shower turn on, oh Merlin's toe nails, she's next to my room _naked._

"_And just think how close you'll be when I'm in the shower, completely naked, the water running down my body…"_

And let the fantasies begin…

I could see her now, in a white teddy, she's leaning over me, a soft smiles on her lips…I took her hips and pin her under me.

Her legs are wrapped around me, she begging for me, her moans bounce around the room, her body rubs against mine for any kind of friction.

I can clearly hear her voice, "James, please…James…" I rock against her—

"_James!"_

I nearly jumped out of my skin. Lily is calling from the bathroom, "James, you didn't bring any towels in here!"

I didn't?

Hmmmm…I must have forgotten.

I smirked.

I grabbed the towels on the big chair in front of the door to the bathroom.

"I'm sorry Lils, I forgot." She opened the door halfway. She's fucking naked. Naked in front of me. Wet in front of me.

"Yea, I'm sure." She said sarcastically.

"I did." I put the picture of innocence on my face while my brain was furiously working to make get my boner to go away.

She grinned. "And here I was planning on coming by tonight but now that your so innocent..."

Oh sweet, sweet, merlin its never going to go away. She is wet, naked, and just said coming. I should just combust right here….

"you could just come right now." I said with a grin.

I swear I could…I shook my head a little, Calm down James, calm down…

"Hand me a towel." I handed them over, turning around, intending to go into my room.

And wank off…

"James?" I turned around slowly, "Where are you going?"

.

She stood in front of me, her hand on my chest.

In a towel.

Just a towel.

Still wet.

In my bedroom.

I let a slow breath out through my teeth.

"Lily…" I said in a husky voice.

She bit down on that sweet, juicy, pink bottom lip, holding back a grin.

"Your trying to kill me."

"Then you better live it up before I do."

I shook my head, "yes ma'am." I took her head in between my hands, my stare intently on her bottom lip. I drew our lips together with gentle force, her mouth immediately opening to mine. My tongue darted its way into her, memorized by her taste, by the way she moaned; moaned because of me. I groaned as I tasted her, she would never be enough. My hand moved from her face to her hip, pulling her close to me. I needed her closer, I needed her. She whimpered as my hand moved to her thigh, caressing it, kneading it. She leaned against me more, feeling the erection I had been desperate to rid myself of. She seemed a bit shocked, her mouth stopped moving for a moment. I was about to pull away and apologize a million times, and prepared for a big slap, but instead she pushed against it more.

At first I thought she was pushing me away, but then she did it more forcefully, wrapping her leg around my hip.

I gasped as she grinded her body against me, "Lily…" I pulled back from her mouth, my eyes just about to roll to the back of my head. "Lily…w-what ar—" I gasped again as her mouth started to nibbled on my neck. I grabbed her hips and grinded them harder against me. Swearing to whatever god I could come up with.

Then she licked me.

Licked my adams apple.

"Holy fuck…" My hips bucked against her. She moaned at this movement.

I turned us around and pushed her toward my bed, I needed more leverage.

We fell on the bed, her wet red hair was everywhere, she was everywhere. I could hardly breathe. Her hand traveled to the hem of my shirt, slipping under it, tracing over my abs.

I gasped as her little hand trailed her nails all over my chest; my shirt was soon rising over my head.

Then I realized that her towel had fallen a bit on our tumble to the bed. She was practically naked under me. Under my bear chest.

Holy Fuck Holy Fuck Holy Fuck

My hand, trembling slightly, moved forward to touch her bare chest. My face was a face of awe. It was so surreal. Lily was here, here with me. We were finally together. It all just hit me that this was really happening. It wasn't a fantasy.

My fingertips made contact with her breast, she grasped at the feeling.

My erection grew harder, though I seriously don't know how that was possible.

My thumb ran over her nipple and she arched into my touch.

This whole experience was going in my wank bank.

I ran over her nipple again and she moaned, biting that delicious bottom lip again, I swear she practiced it just to drive me crazy. I dipped my head to find out exactly why she kept biting it, to have her taste in my memory forever. My hand fully cupped her breast in my hand, our bare chests met for the first time, we both moaned at the contact.

"Your sister is fucking crazy!"

No no no no no no no, this can not be happening!

"I mean what the fuck is wrong with her, did someone drop her as a baby or something?! She is just—_whoa!_" He finally realized the scene before him.

"Sirius get the fuck out!" I said, turning to him, blocking his view of my precious Lily.

"Right—um—_damn,_ go prongs!" He winked and then exited.

I turned back to Lily, "I'm so sorry…" Oh damnit, she had already covered herself up again.

She laughed, "Its alright, kinda good he did barge in, no telling where that would have gone…"

_I think I know exactly where it was going! Fuck, we probably could shagged!_

That was Jimmy, my other head, in a very frustrated tone.

_**But that would have probably fucked up our relationship**_, I argued.

"Yes it is, we don't want to rush things."

_We don't?! Um I'm pretty sure I want to rush things!_

Jimmy shut up.

"James…thank you."

I smiled at her, leaned down once more and kissed her lightly. "You must be cold."

She nodded a bit, "Yeah, now I am."

My hand placed itself on her knee, circling it, my fingers skimming upward. "I can think of a way to warm you up."

She laughed at me, "Oh, I know you can." She shuffled to the end of the bed.

My hand reached to caress her shoulder, "Will you come visit me tonight?"

She gave me a look that clearly stated, 'wasn't that enough for one day?'

"I just want to hold you."

She leaned her head down on my hand, giving it a quick kiss. "Alright then."

She walked back to our adjoining yellow bathroom, she gave me one last sultry look and closed the door.

Merlin, that had to be the best morning I'd ever had.

I finally made it downstairs to get some breakfast.

"Hello darling, would you like some pancakes?" I nodded and took a sit at the bar in the kitchen.

"You look happy." My father said from his coffee mug.

"Oh I bet James is _real_ happy." Sirius said smugly from the kitchenette table.

I shot him a look.

"Why is James happy?" Lupin asked standing on the stairs, coming down apparently after just waking up. He looked like hell.

"Why are you not?" I asked him.

"Didn't sleep well."

"Melanie?" I asked him as he sat next to me with his own stack of pancakes.

He nodded, "you need to tell her, mate."

"That's what Lily said." Mooney said.

"Speaking of Lily, how is she James?" Sirius asked again.

"How should I know, I haven't seen her yet, its morning."

Sirius smirked.

Git.

"Hmmm, that's funny because I could have sworn you two—"

"Oh hey Charlotte, what did you do to piss Sirius off so bad?"

"I didn't do anything! The git is being a complete and utter arse—"

"Language Charlotte!" mum scolded.

"Sorry…"

"When did you say Peter was coming dear?" Mum asked me.

"Today around three, but he has to leave tonight."

"Perfect that's when the rest of the family is coming over, we're all going shopping today, so Remus dear, you better go get ready."

"Sirius could you please go get my shopping lists in the library? And James could you go and get the girls?"

I nodded and went to Melanie's room, no one was there. I went to Lily's and they were both on the bed. Melanie was crying.

I stopped at the cracked door and listened.

I was a marauder.

"I just want to go home Lily!"

"I think you need to confront him about it. He wants to tell you, he just froze up."

"How do you know??" She said in between a sob.

"Well he told me so on the train. He said he wanted to tell you so badly but he was afraid that you wouldn't accept him."

"What the hell does he have to tell me?!"

"I don't know, but it must be something very important."

Poor Lily, she has to lie to her best friend. That is hard to do especially when their crying over it.

Another reason I love her.

"Listen, just stay for one more day, and then if you need to, go. Just give him one more say to be a man about it." I heard a sniffle and assumed she nodded.

I lightly tapped on the door. "Girls? We need to go shopping soon so if you could come downstairs soon…" I took a step inside. Lily was still in that damn towel. The white towel made her skin look so creamy and beautiful, it exemplified every freckle on that porcelain skin….Fuck, I wanted her. I wanted that skin under my lips…

I cleared my throat.

"Oh no!" Lily jumped up and started scrambling to her suite case to find clothes.

Bending over in front of me.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck….Jimmy, down boy, down boy…

Melanie started walking out with me, whipping her face clean of her tears.

"I'll talk to him, don't worry, he'd be an idiot to throw this away." I whispered to her. She gave me a light smile and nodded.

"Listen, listen, we are going to meet here at 2 o'clock, that's 4 hours to shop! And then Peter and the rest of the Potters will be showing up, so be here on time!" Mum shouted at us like we were a bunch of 10 year olds.

Which is how she probably still thought of us.

Sirius, Remus and I decided to go shopping on with each other while the girls went with each other.

Lily sent me a wink before we went different paths.

This woman is going to kill me.

"So things are going good with her, eh?" Sirius asked.

"Hell yes."

"Well that makes one of us…" Remus said gloomy.

"Oh shut the fuck up Remus, your problem is all you. You could easily fix it." Sirius snapped at him.

"Yeah, did you know I found her crying on Lily this morning? You're acting like a real prick, just tell her."

"Whatever, you don't know what its like telling people things like that! It took me three years just to tell you guys!"

Good point….

"It's the holidays, lets just have fun, ok marauders?" I said trying to make the peace.

We walked all over, trying to find gifts for everyone.

I finally found Lily's gift, it was perfect. The own of the store carved leather with his wand and he had placed leather articles in a glass box and you could ask him to carve anything on it you wished. So I picked out a brown leather journal for her, and told him all the details I wished for it to show.

I had about an hour to kill after that so I went off to stare at different broom models.

Someone's ice cold hands covered my eyes while I was staring at the jayjayflame 70.

"Guess who?"

"A snowman?"

"Snow woman thank you ever much!" We laughed and I turned around to face my Lily.

That's right, my Lily.

"What are you doing in here?" I asked.

"Well you see I happened to have this bigheaded boyfriend who loves flying…"

"Oh how annoying." I teased back.

"Yes he is very annoying."

"Hmmm I didn't know you were dating Sirius,"

She slapped my arm. "No it's the prat I'm looking at right now."

I grinned, "So what cha get me?"

"I'm not telling!" She closed her bag, slapping my hands away from it.

I pouted. "Fine…" She leaned up and kissed me.

"You know someone could have seen that."

She shrugged, "I was under the impression that only _friends_ had that rule."

Did that mean we we're friends anymore??? What?!

"What did I do???"

She looked at me confused, "Aren't we more than friends?"

Oh. Duh. I'm a dumb ass.

I chuckled, "Yes, yes, we are."

She looked relieved, "You had me worried there for a second."

I took her hand and we walked from the store, "Worried? Aren't I the one that's been trying to date you for what? Three years?"

She smiled and leaned her head against my shoulder. "James!" She perked up with an excited face.

"What!?"

"Its snowing!" I looked up and sure enough huge fluffy white snowflakes were coming down.

I wrapped my arm around her, and pulled her against me, kissing her head. "This is going to be the best Christmas." We looked up and saw Charlotte and Sirius having a screaming match with each other.

"Well…it will be for us anyway." She said.

After a day of cider, 15 relatives coming here (staying in the east wing) playing charades, watching Sirius and Charlotte fight and scream, watching Remus and Melanie avoid each other, and holding hands with Lily and sneaking kisses through the movie I was ready I was flop down on to my bed again and lay on that godly pillow.

I walked upstairs and passed Charlottes room, her music was blasting. Then I walked by Sirius's room, his door was wide open, he was throwing a bouncy blue ball against the wall. I walked passed Remus's room next which was empty. Which was very weird considering he 'went to bed' an hour ago. Melanies room was next, of which I heard I great big "oh Remus!" in Melanies voice.

Go Remus.

Lily's door was cracked and I knocked it open a bit.

She wasn't there either.

My eye brows went down in confusion, maybe she was in the bathroom…

I got to my room finally, I took my shirt off and flung it on the chair with all the towels, and took off my pants, and was about to put on my flannel pj pants when I looked at my bed.

Lily.

Lily in that same damn white nightgown she wore in my fantasy.

"Took you long enough." She said with a smile.

I grinned, "Well, if I'd known what was waiting for me…"

At which point I, respectably, pounced on the bed and began kissing her.

**I personally love this chapter! Let me know if you agree!**

**So…the JPOV, how did I do?? Did I do him justice?? **

**THANK YOU for reading!**

**The NEXT chapter is the LAST chapter! *tear* It will be posted on Christmas Eve! (December 24, a-duh)**

**Lots of Love,**

**Jenna**


	37. Entry37Sex Dreams Suck

Entry 37

**(I recommend re-reading chapter 13 before reading this)**

Never in my life have I ever wanted to fuck someone so badly in my entire life, until now. Until today. Until I had James's hands all over me, touching every part of me, touching me, in me, everywhere. His mouth, his tongue, his soft kisses, gracing every inch of my body. I needed more. I got more. He was finally inside me. Finally pleasuring me.

And then I woke up.

Fuck.

I hate sex dreams. I get all worked up and I feel so alive and I can't believe its all actually happening, the pleasure pulsing through I'm blood.

And then I wake up.

Completely unsatisfied.

It's a bitch.

Especially when the guy I was having said sex dream with is laying right next to me.

Its Christmas Eve Morning. The sun is brightly streaming in through the window and I'm laying on my stomach in my bed, my legs intertwined with James's legs.

He is so fucking hot.

Merlin do I sound like a hormonal teenage girl.

Well, I've got news for you ugly journal, I AM a hormonal teenage girl!

You really are quite hideous. I hope someone gets me a new journal, I've been moaning about it for weeks with Charlotte I hope she bought me one.

I'm sorry journal, but you really are. I still love you though!

Last night was amazing. He almost attacked me last night! I do believe this calls for a **FLASHBACK!**

"Took you long enough," I said sitting on his bed. He made some comment but I couldn't remember, I just wanted him on me. He finally pounced on the bed, kissing me the way I wanted him to. We went at each other like never before. Our hands wantonly grabbing, searching, my hands violent against his body.

"Lily…." His arched into my offending nails digging into his back. "Fuck." I tried to get his hips to move down on top of mine but he wouldn't let me. He pulled back slowly, his breathing rapid and shallow.

"You like it rough?" I bite my lip and nodded to his question. "Fuck." He groaned, "Fuck, you have no idea how hard it is trying to be a gentleman…"

My hand danced on the ban of his plaid boxers, "I think I have an idea…" He chuckled lightly, taking my hand in his. He pulled me back next to him, his other hand running through my hair.

"So what did you get me for Christmas?" He asked.

"Are you really just….stopping?"

He nodded, his head dipped down to my neck, pulling my back against his stomach into the spoon position. "Why?" I asked.

"Because I don't want to fuck this up." I ran my hand up and down his arm that held me in place.

"You wont."

"I don't want to chance it." My other hand ran up to his face, carrasing it.

"James…please."

"please what love?" He asked, nuzzling in my neck.

"Touch me."

He bucked against me and groaned.

I smirked.

"Lily, I, oh merlin, I want you…"

I turned around against him. I started to kiss his neck and traced the muscles on his bare chest, scratching my nails against him softy, making him shudder.

"I want you too."

"Never thought I'd hear you say that," He said against my hungry lips.

I laughed softly. I hitched my leg on his hip and straddled him.

A grumble of curse words flew from his mouth. I grinded my hips against his and took a hold of his hands bringing them to the headboard.

"Keep them there."

He nodded, "Kinky…"

"Bet you never thought I'd—"

A knock sounded at the door.

I froze. "I swear if that's Sirius—"

"James, its me," It was Mr. Potter.

"Shit." I jumped off him and run towards our bathroom, closing the door gently behind me. Later that night he came back in my room, I was fast asleep and awoke when he slipped under the covers.

"Sshh, good night angel."

I nodded and yawned, falling back asleep. Somewhere in the middle of the night we ended up facing each other and kissing.

Or I was dreaming that…ever have the feel journal? When something happens in the night then you wake up and honestly don't know if it really happened or if you were just dreaming it?

It's a very trippy experience.

Oh he's just woke up.

"What do you have there?" James said looking at me with half shut eyes.

"My journal."

"You keep one of those things?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Anything about me in there?"

I laughed, "You'll never know."

"Do you write about how annoying I am?"

"Of course."

"About how much I drive you crazy?"

I bit my lip, "all the time."

"About how much you want me?"

I winked and stood up, "We need to get ready…"

"You so do!"

I shook my head, "Come on, get out before someone sees you in here."

He got out of the bed, only in his plaid boxers mind you, and come waltzing over to me. He rubbed his toned tan (how the hell does he have a tan that good!? Its winter and we live in ENGLAND!! I want to know his secret!) body against me, pushing me against the doors frame. His tongue licked my neck and bit it gently, grinding against me with force that made me weak at the knees. My hands danced around his strong wide shoulders.

Then he walked away chuckling.

"That will give you something to write about…" He closed the door, whistling.

I grinned despite myself.

_Christmas Day,_

I woke up with a journal laying on my stomach. It was a small little thing and I when I opened it, it read _property of James Matthew Potter _in young handwriting.

The first entry read:

_September 1,_

_Mom bought me a stupid journal. How girly is that!? She said it would be good to write down everything that happens in my first year at Hogwarts to remember everything._

_I know I wanna remember that red head. She was crazy today. Her name is Lily. She likes this ugly guy that my new friend Sirius called "Snivellus." Isn't that funny?? You can see why we're friends. I'm glad both of those are in my house. _

_I'm a Gryffindor! I knew I was brave. I wonder if I'd be brave enough to ask that red head out. I'm only 11 though, I don't know if that would be a good idea. _

_Enough about the girly stuff, today Sirius and I…._

Tears were in my eyes.

He really had noticed me for that long.

He really could have liked me before 3rd year.

He'd liked me all along.

Under his entry was James's hand writing, neater and in a different ink.

"_Its always been you."_

Holy fuck.

What a way to start out Christmas Day.

I went down stairs and sat on the counter digging into pancakes.

"Merry Christmas everyone!" Melanie said, smiling a loopy grin.

"Merry Christmas darling, everyone is so happy you all are here to share the Christmas with us! Its so nice to be surrounded by boys!" Mrs. Potter said joyfully.

We all eat quickly and then rushed to the tree to open gifts. I sat next to James, who smelled heavenly, and leaned against him.

"Who is going to be the Santa??" Mrs. Potter asked. Charlotte volunteered, though she looked like the opposite of what a Santa elf filled with Christmas cheer would be…

She passed out all the gifts and then flopped down on the love seat next to Melanie and Remus who looked very cozy as they held hands.

"Me first!" Sirius said, ripping apart a beautifully wrapped gift. One by one we went, while the Christmas music played and the wrapping paper pile in the corner grew rapidly.

I got an exquisite bag filled to the brink with bathroom smelly-goods from Charlotte. Body lotion, polisher, gel, spray, perfume, a light glitter, soap, shampoo, a sponge, a scrunchy thing that washes you that I cant remember the name of. All was in my favorite scent "Sunset Lilies." It was based on vanilla, with a light touch of iris and lilies, along with a dash of cinnamon. It was perfect. She also gave me some potions that could change my hair color into either purple, blue, black, or blonde.

I had gotten James a picture of us, in a neutral black and silver frame. The picture was of James and me at the big Gryffindor after party after the huge game after the Snape kissing me fiasco. He was smiling widely and I kept on kissing his cheek laughing and giggling, every time I kissed his cheek picture James's eye would widen in shock. His arm was around me soundly, his eyes were alight and welcoming.

I think I'm starting to fall for him.

Fuck, I need to banish that thought quickly!

But why?

Gah! Back to the story…

He opened it and got all quite for a moment.

"Lily…." I was starting to get a little worried but then he gave a smile, "thank you."

I nodded and it was Melanie next. She gave me a butterfly clip that I had wanted for ages, it had all kinds of jewels on it and was expensive. I put it in my hair immediately.

Mrs. Potter gave me a bunch of chocolate, a calendar (which she gave to everyone, people always need one at this time of year) new earrings, and a set of nail polishes that polished your nails itself and dries automatically.

Mr. Potter got me (he said it pissed him off how it was just assumed the wife would do all the shopping and he wanted to get people things too and he wasn't a pig. I really like Mr. Potter) 20 train tickets that all lead to angels on earth, the cemetery where my parents where buried. He said that he wanted me to be able to visit them whenever I like and when I ran out he wanted me to promise I would ask for more from him.

Sirius got me a quill that blew up if you wrote more than 1000 words at one time, he said it would help pull me back from being a total nerd. He also mentioned that if your in class and your quill suddenly combust, especially if you're the Lily Evans I'd get some lee way with the assignment.

Remus got me a picture of my parents and I, we were hugging and smiling, a very rare thing for my father. I was smaller, maybe around 13 or 14.

"Where did you get this?"

"I snooped, sorry."

"Thank you." I said with tears in my eyes. This was the first Christmas without my parents, it had been very hard.

I saved James for last, opening one of his gifts which was a record album of "Crimson and Clover," it really had become our song. He also got me a leather journal, carved on the cover was the Hogwarts castle with the great black lake in front of it. In each window that was draw a little larger than scale was a nail polish bottle, a mouse and a big dog. A large full moon was in the corner. There was a quaffle zooming across the bottom over the black lake, on top of an oversized lily flower on the shore of the lake.

"James…."

"Open it."

I did as he requested, and saw that he had written a small entry.

_December 24,_

_Lily, I love you. I will think of you every day, for the rest of my days. I will never forget you, and I hope I never will have to. I hope to have you next to me everyday to remind me exactly what I don't deserve and to be grateful to Merlin above that the Potter Charm finally worked. Haha, just kiddin. Though I bet Sirius could use some of that right about now couldn't he? _

For the rest of the morning we all just hung around, played some board games and drank hot chocolate. Santa didn't eat the cookies we left out of for him last night, and his reindeers didn't get to the carrots. They must have just gotten too full on all the other peoples cookies.

It began to snow and I just about jumped out of my skin with excitement.

"Guys! Its snowing! Its snowing!"

"Merlin James, go take her on a walk or something…too much sugar for this one…"

"Oh James will you?? I love walking in the snow!"

He smiled at me, "of course."

So I gathered my blue hat and scarf, my coat, my scarf, my boots and started to head out.

"So, Lily, are you having a good Christmas?"

"Yes," I beamed at him, "Thank you for your gifts."

"Thank you for mine, I love that I can always have that."

I smiled back and then began to catch snowflakes on my tongue, swirling around. Unfortunately, there was a lot of ice and I fell on my face.

"Lily!" James came forward and flipped me over. I was laughing my ass off.

"Ow."

James laughed as well.

"I had a dream about you last night."

"Was it a _good_ dream?" He wiggled his eye brows at me.

"Do you remember when you where dared to sneak into my room that night in the summer?"

"Of course."

"Do you remember what you said to me?" A look of comprehension washed over him.

He grinned at me, and I smiled back at him. He ran his forefinger against my forearm, under my coat, it gave me goosebumps. Then finally, after trailing his hand along my body to my face his cupped the apple of my cheek. I leaned into his warm hand and closed me eyes.

"Once I could admit that I dreamt of you, you'd know I was ready."

"What are you ready for Lily Flower?"

I pulled down from the back of his neck and I kissed him. Hard on the lips. My tongue pushed past his lips. Searching for his taste. His hands tangled in my hair, crushing mouth to me groaning as our tongues met. Battling for dominance. I never wanted to let his mouth leave mine, never wanted to have to leave his warm arms.

"Lily—I love you." He said as our lips broke contact for a moment.

"I know, James."

He put his arm around me , a new spring in his step as we kept walking to no where in the falling snow. "So, Sirius for the best man right? Oh wait." He stopped walking. I looked up at him grinning like a fool. "You love me too right?"

"Of course James, I love you too." And I truly did.

Who would have guess it?

Well, this is my last page of you journal. I really did enjoy having you this last 6 or so months. It really did help with everything that was going on in my life. I don't know if I could have made it from hating James with all my life to loving him with all my heart without having someplace to write fuck every other word if I wished it.

And so, with one last moment of freedom I leave you with, have a fucking merry Christmas!

-Lily

**My baby!!! Waaaa!! My baby is done!!**

**Thank god for sequels!**

**By the way, the random things in the journal carving represent Charlotte, Melanie, James, Lily (a-duh), Sirius, and Lupin.**

**THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! **

**Have a merry Christmas and I'll see you on Sunday with the sequel!**

**The sequel is now up it is called "Leather Bound" **

**Thank you again, I truly have never loved writing a story of fanfic more!**

**Lots of Love,**

**Jenna **


	38. Chapter 38

Hello!

I'm rewriting, editing, deleting, adding, revising, redoing, etc. the journal!

I missed it so much, but I want to be happy with the whole thing so keep checking in and I'll put New! On the updated chapters. The farther along I go, the more drastic the changes will become. But read it, seriously. Its like watching a movie again with deleted scenes added!

I'm not sure how Leather bound will fit into this whole thing, but I might just end up deleting the whole thing and starting from scratch on that one.

Thank you, missed you, and look forward to rewriting!

Love,

Jenna


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